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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the age gap is a bit odd

247 replies

NameC123 · 27/09/2018 23:38

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 28/09/2018 10:09

I think the age gap isn't the problem in itself it's the fact that she's still a child..

If she was let's say 25 he would be 37 doesn't sound as bad.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 10:12

Sometimes girls are mature for their ages and men can be immature for theirs so I don't really see why they would have nothing in common.

Sorry, but this is an old cliche which is used to excuse grown men shagging girls young enough to be their daughters.

What exactly does 'maturity' mean? There is no evidence, despite all the stereotypes, that women mature more quickly than men. We're talking here about a man who has children, has presumably worked for a living, lived away from home, been through at least one long-term relationship etc. On the other hand, we have a 17 year old child who wears a school uniform and lives with mum and dad. I don't care how 'mature' she may think she is, her life experiences are vastly different from his.

Could you have imagined yourself dating a "mature" 17 year old boy at this man's age? What would you have had in common with him?

Samcro · 28/09/2018 10:12

thats all kinds of weird. very odd man.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2018 10:43

There is no way a relationship between a 17 yo and a 29 yo is balanced. I would assume he was looking for a partner he had power over, and would be very suspicious.

Dobbythesockelf · 28/09/2018 10:53

I'm 29 and my niece is 17. I can't imagine having anything at all in common with any of her friends. I have kids, bills, responsibilities etc and in my experience 17 year olds have no idea about any of this. The gap itself isn't huge it's the fact that they are at completely different life stages which make it odd. It might work out it might not but honestly I would be silently judging him.

hmcAsWas · 28/09/2018 11:17

My DD is 16 (and fairly mature) - I most certainly would not want her going out with an older man with dc. Anyone older than 20 would concern me

ALovelyWoman · 28/09/2018 11:27

my 17 yo is NOT an adult. She is mature for her age and has a boyfriend (her own age) but she is not an adult. This age gap is not right.

ferrier · 28/09/2018 12:04

Jeez. I must have been a completely different 17 year old and now know completely different 17 year olds to the majority of people here.
Stop writing the whole lot off as immature and adolescent still.
At 17 I went on a hiking holiday with my sister.
At 17 I had several hobbies which I still have 30 odd years later and which I'd happily chatter away about and enjoy together with people 50 or 60 years older.
At 17 I enjoyed going to the cinema, reading, eating out.
About the only thing that might have been awkward would be the children. But that could be the case at any age.
So yes, stop judging all 17 year olds by some unproven standard.

Skyejuly · 28/09/2018 12:05

My ex (32) is currently dating a 19yr old and that's bad enough.

Jayne35 · 28/09/2018 12:09

Could you have imagined yourself dating a "mature" 17 year old boy at this man's age? What would you have had in common with him?

No, because all the boys my age when I was a teen were silly little idiots mainly. I suppose I see this differently because I was working full time from 16 (and with a 24 year old until I was 18 - my only regret was ending it for the local 'bad boy'). It's a lot different now with education lasting longer - though it isn't policed as many 16 year olds on our estate just stop going to school after year 11 ends.

I didn't actually state I think it's great that OPs friend is dating a teenager, I just hate the stereotype that all men who date younger women are abusive perverts as it's not always true. Life is not that black & white. And if it was my DD what could I do anyway - forbid it? Yea that'll work Hmm

By all means OP voice your concerns to your friend, end the friendship if you like but at the end of the day they will do what they want, despite what people think.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 12:11

Stop writing the whole lot off as immature and adolescent still.

A 17 year old IS an adolescent!

They can't vote. They can't order a drink. They can't do all sorts of things without the consent of their parents.

At 17 I had several hobbies which I still have 30 odd years later and which I'd happily chatter away about and enjoy together with people 50 or 60 years older.

So what? My 8 year old nephew can 'chatter away' with me about all sorts of stuff, doesn't mean he's an adult.

At 17 I enjoyed going to the cinema, reading, eating out.

That's great. Presumably none of those films were X-rated, because as a 17 year old you would not have been legally allowed to see them. And presumably you didn't order any wine with your meals, because as a 17 year old the restaurant would have been breaking the law in serving it to you.

A 17 year old IS an adult and IS a legal minor. Are you saying you'd see no issue in dating a 17 year old boy yourself, and introducing him to all your friends?

Hideandgo · 28/09/2018 12:12

I onto think he’s with her for her life experience and conversation. She may well be nice but that is not the basis of relationships with this kind of set up. He’s after a fantasy and an accessory. Hopefully he treats her well though if she’s lucky.

The power balance is all wrong but nothing new for women here.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 12:18

No, because all the boys my age when I was a teen were silly little idiots mainly.

But let me guess - all the 17 year old girls were oh so 'mature' and sophisticated, the perfect match for almost 30 year old dads?

I just hate the stereotype that all men who date younger women are abusive perverts as it's not always true.

I don't know about 'abusive perverts' but yes, I would think there is something deeply 'off' about a 29 year old dad who dates a legal minor. As I and others have said, it's not so much the age difference itself, it's the fact hat a 17 year old is legally a child. Why can't he find a woman his own age, with similar life experiences? Maybe because none will have him, and so he has to seek out teenagers who buy his flattery about how 'mature' they are, even though they're still at school and living with mum and dad?

neddle · 28/09/2018 12:22

I started dating my husband when I was 18 and he was 35.
I still lived at home and he’d had a child who’d died as a baby.
We married 4 years later and 17 years on we have five children.

It’s not always creepy.

TheDarkPassenger · 28/09/2018 12:31

It’s creepy tbh. I wouldn’t say anything but I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same way. I’m 30 and most of my friends are too, I couldn’t imagine any of them being remotely interested in even speaking to a 17 year old girl let alone shagging one!

If it was our daughter (obviously when she is 17) I wouldn’t be happy at all, and my oh would probably castrate him

Jayne35 · 28/09/2018 12:38

But let me guess - all the 17 year old girls were oh so 'mature' and sophisticated, the perfect match for almost 30 year old dads?

Well in the 5th year at school I certainly wasn't pulling chairs out, flicking elastic bands at classmates and throwing tampons round stolen from a girls bag! So yes I was more mature than they were, as were most of the girls - I'll accept the sophisticated comment as sarcasm.

And as for the maturity question, generally girls DO start puberty earlier than boys which makes a difference imo.

So we will just have to agree to disagree IcedPurple.

Hideandgo · 28/09/2018 12:41

Jayne, do you honestly think that’s why he choose her???

Oblomov18 · 28/09/2018 12:46

No. This is not ok. 12 year age gap, from 17, to 29 is huge. Even is she was very nature. Maybe not when you are older, but at this age, they can't surely have that much in common?

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 12:49

Well in the 5th year at school I certainly wasn't pulling chairs out, flicking elastic bands at classmates and throwing tampons round stolen from a girls bag! So yes I was more mature than they were, as were most of the girls - I'll accept the sophisticated comment as sarcasm.

So you were more 'mature' than a couple of bratty boys? Did that put you on the same level as a 29 year old father?

And as for the maturity question, generally girls DO start puberty earlier than boys which makes a difference imo.

Girls do start to physically mature slightly earlier than boys, but there's no evidence that that makes them psychologially more 'mature' (whatever that really means) especially several years after the onset of puberty. Any small difference in 'maturity' most certainly does not eliminate the difference created by a decade plus of life as an adult - holding down a job, paying rent, being responsible for children etc.

If we're talking about stereotypes that we hate, then I hate the one that says that life experience is insignificant for women/girls, and that men are perpetual adolescents. I can see how this would appeal to those men who like not having to be held responsible for their actions and like having 'partners' they can dominate. What I don't understand is why women should promote it.

If a nearly 30 year old man is a match 'maturity' wise for a teenaged girl then there is something profoundly wrong with him and with their 'relationship'.

bunintheoven88 · 28/09/2018 12:49

I went out with a guy for around a year when I was 18 and he was 29. It didn't seem a big deal at the time, however looking back I'm surprised my parents allowed it! I wouldn't be happy with my daughter dating someone ten years plus her senior when she was 18 Hmm

hamabr86 · 28/09/2018 12:50

When I was 21 I had a boyfriend that was 34. The gap was way too big, he had far more life experience than me so on the one hand I felt especially childish but on the other hand i started to realise how immature he was too. Age gaps are fine but only once you are in your mid to late twenties imo.

PhilomenaButterfly · 28/09/2018 12:50

Meh. My DH is 13 years older than me.

pandarific · 28/09/2018 12:57

It's weird and creepy and you should tell him so.

MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 13:45

@IcedPurple coming from a “grown woman” who was with a 17/18 year old and are still together years later, noone honestly batted an eyelid

It depends on the individual, everyone on this thread is assuming she’s in school but my partner at that age had a really well-paying job with good qualifications and had left school 2 years previous (I don’t know many people that stayed for A Levels although I live very rurally)

And I’m far more immature, unless we tell people our ages they have absolutely no inkling about the 8 year gap. I’ve been called a cougar at worst and I can live with that haha

MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 13:53

Also when I was a17/18 year old girl I had a 30+ hour a week job with the government, my own rented property where I lived along and a car Blush Id have been really annoyed if someone tried to claim I wasn’t an adult by that point