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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the age gap is a bit odd

247 replies

NameC123 · 27/09/2018 23:38

A male friend of mine (29) has started dating a 17 year old, he's being perfectly respectful toward her but AIBU to think the age gap makes it a weird.

He has children and she still lives with her parents.

I haven't said anything as it's frankly none of my business because she's legal but was wondering what others think and whether I'm BU and a bit judgemental?

OP posts:
stellabird · 28/09/2018 01:52

People said that when I started dating my DH. I was 17 and he was 28. I certainly wasn't a child - we worked together and he was ( and is) the nicest and most decent man I've ever known. I suppose it depends on the person involved - many of my friends married men who were the same age and ended up miserable . Mine is still going strong and nobody comments on our 11 year age gap any more.

Jellyjumpers · 28/09/2018 02:06

I also feel the age gaps matter when older particurly given male life expectancies there is alot of difference between a 57 year old and a 69 year old.

MrsHoodwink · 28/09/2018 02:17

Me and my DP had this. He was 17 (2 days off turning 18) when we met, I was 25.

I actually thought he was 21 and he though I was 19 Blush He’s mature/I’m very immature.

I have been with men age 28-30 and this is the most “adult” and mature relationship I’ve ever had, he’s also the most responsible and dedicated man I’ve ever been with.

I could always understand people viewing him as a child, but I’d had a kid with my ex when we were 18 and so to me 18 definitely felt like an adult.

Our only age-related issue has been the things him/his friends find amusing are immature but I know in time that will all change.

We’ve been together for years Smile

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/09/2018 05:57

29 and 41 fine
17 and 29 creepy. Yes I know they're legal. However at the same time a 17 year old is still basically a kid.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2018 06:08

There's definitely an imbalance of power. It makes the relationship more likely to be abusive in some respect or another. Maybe it isn't but I wouldn't be that happy if it was my 17 year old daughter. Is she realistically going to be a stepmother to those children? He's not making very smart choices at the moment.

AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 07:22

YANBU. How can this ever be a relationship of equals? However respectful he is, his age makes the relationship an automtic abuse of power.

29 year olds should know better - however mature or sensible this girl is, he should be adult enough to realise their relationship can never be appropriate.

puzzledlady · 28/09/2018 07:37

There is a 13 year age difference between my and my husband - there is no power imbalance and if anything - I make more of the decisions. Be careful OP, you came on here to vent (sorry if this is the wrong word) on an anonymous forum so you wouldn’t have to tell the concerned parties how you really felt and wouldn’t hurt them or offend them - you might just hurt or offend someone on this thread. Not me - becasue I’ve heard this all before twice over (and yes I am still with my husband and we have 2 children together) but someone who might be newish to their relationship with a similar age gap.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 28/09/2018 07:44

I had a year-long relationship with a man of 28 when I was 17. We talked about books, music, politics, pretty much the same things I talk to DH about now, only I was much better-informed and more interesting company when my life was focused on reading and learning than now, when it's mostly about wiping sticky stuff off a small child. It ended quite naturally when I went to university. Nothing creepy about it at all.

TuathaDeDanann · 28/09/2018 07:47

Awful! She is 17 😦

dinosaurkisses · 28/09/2018 07:47

If every Op worried about offending another poster then AIBU would be empty, @puzzledlady.

Although your own relationship might have worked out, most people would have alarm bells ringing when they heard about such a large age gap where one of the individuals wasn’t even an adult yet.

I’m the same age as the guy in this scenario, and there’s no way I’d have enough in common to base a healthy romantic relationship on with someone who hadn’t finished their a levels.

southnownorth · 28/09/2018 07:47

I was 18 and my DH was 28 when we met that was over 18 years ago.

I guess the difference was I officially an adult. Although I didn't start to be more grown up the minute I turned 18.

OoohAyyye · 28/09/2018 07:49

YANBU.

BigGreenOlives · 28/09/2018 08:02

I’ve got a daughter who’s 17 and nephews in their late 20s. I’d be horrified if she started dating one of their friends, she’s still at school getting ready to do her A levels. They are old enough to have PhDs, completed gap years and bought homes.

IABURQO · 28/09/2018 08:12

The age gap isn't a problem, the issue is that she's a child and he's a man. I would tell him that I felt uncomfortable with his choice for that reason. The power dynamic is all wrong and he should seek counselling for why he wants to date a child.

Iloveacurry · 28/09/2018 08:18

If that was my 17 year old daughter, I wouldn’t be happy. She’s too young, and he’s almost 30 with kids.

TeddybearBaby · 28/09/2018 08:22

I’d be gutted if she was my daughter.

longwayoff · 28/09/2018 08:46

In the bed next to me in the maternity ward was a 16 year old new mum, chatting excitedly about her new baby and soon to arrive husband. Here he is, the 50+ golf professional from the local club. I nearly fainted with horror. I find those vast age gaps very difficult to understand. And the little I do understand makes me dislike them intensely.

CoughLaughFart · 28/09/2018 08:59

What are your general thoughts on this man, OP? You’ve been friends a long time. Do you have genuine concerns that he might not have grasped that this girl may not be ready for the relationship? Or is it a general feeling of ‘29 + 17 = wrong’?

tictac86 · 28/09/2018 09:03

12 years between me and my husband and im nearer his adults kids ages. Works just lovely

DinosApple · 28/09/2018 09:30

At 17 I was asked out by my friend's 30yo brother. He was good looking, but I thought it would be weird (and we had nothing in common apart from his sister).

Anyhow, 8 years later I went on to marry a man 18 years older, so what do I know Grin.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 09:33

It's not so much the age gap as the fact that the girl - and yes she is just a girl - is only 17. Grown men should not be dating teenagers. Reverse the genders and imagine a 17 year old boy with a grown woman and think of how many people would approve.

IcedPurple · 28/09/2018 09:44

you might just hurt or offend someone on this thread

Why would someone be 'hurt' or 'offended' by people saying that there's something 'off' with a grown father dating a teenager who wears a school uniform?

The fact that some age gap relationships might work out - though very many don't, especially when the younger partner (almost always female, strange huh?) is a teenager - doesn't make it OK for adult men to date 17 year olds. If someone is 'offended' by that, best they don't click on the discussion.

LemonysSnicket · 28/09/2018 09:49

That's disgusting. I know it's legal, but it's wierd. A 17 yo is a child and has vastly different life experiences and maturity than a 30 yo man.
I'm only 23 but I'd feel like a bloody predator if I started going out with a 17yo boy! I'd even find 18 odd tbh!

LemonysSnicket · 28/09/2018 09:58

@Wannabeyorkshirelass they're not both adults though... 17 isn't an adult.

Why are you so upset? Are YOU 17?

Jayne35 · 28/09/2018 09:59

15 Years between my parents, they met when my Mum was 16. Everyone was shocked/horrified etc but it worked out for them, Mum has however become a fairly young widow. SIL and BIL have an 11 year age gap - and she is the older one. They have been married 15 years and seem to be very happy.

Sometimes girls are mature for their ages and men can be immature for theirs so I don't really see why they would have nothing in common.

However, despite my positive experiences in age gap relationships I'm not sure I would be happy if DD21 started dating a hugely older man, but only because I would worry she would end up hurt.