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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP and shaving legs

380 replies

LegHair · 27/09/2018 21:26

Am long time lurker and first time poster.

Was having a bath this evening, with DP sat in the bathroom chatting. Somehow ended up in a row about me not shaving my legs “because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other”.

Haven’t shaved legs in some time, because quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and rarely wear shorts or dresses that show off my legs. Always shave on holiday or when wearing dresses etc.

My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

So mumsnet jury - who IBU?

OP posts:
anitagreen · 27/09/2018 23:01

I Couldn't ever have hairy legs it makes me feel so unattractive and just horrible , to me I love getting into bed with fresh sheets on and smooth legs , the sight of hairy legs male or female is just grim

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 27/09/2018 23:01

What’s interesting is...
Men - can fully choose whether or not to shave anywhere. They can be in public with beards and no one would recoil, say it’s vile or unmanly.

Men & women - are considered a bit repulsive if they are unclean, not washed or brushed their teeth.

Women - are judged harshly if they exert any choice over having any body hair, including parts that are not seen in public. We are told they are unfeminine, gross, lazy, unsexy.

So you can’t really equate this to beards, there is no male equivalent. It’s really not a preference thing, it’s conditioning.

bridgetoc · 27/09/2018 23:02

Is he asking you politely or telling you rudely?

HelenaDove · 27/09/2018 23:04

Unvalued? Dont be so fucking ridiculous. DH has been rocking a beard for quite some years now.

What would make me feel unvalued is if he had a shitty misogynistic attitude towards women like expecting me to be constantly in the kitchen But unvalued because he grows a beard Dont be so fucking stupid.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2018 23:06

It isn't wrong for him to have a preference. However, it is wrong for him to order OP to do something she's not keen on, just to please him, if he never puts himself out for her benefit. For them to be rowing about it suggest that he's another of these men who thinks that 'making and effort for your partner' is the responsibility of women, not men - or that grabbing a bunch of reduced-price roses in the supermarket entitles him to a week or so of gratitude blobjobs.

MadhousMom59 · 27/09/2018 23:07

If you are in a sexual relationship. Then you should make an effort.

anitagreen · 27/09/2018 23:09

I also agree on making an effort too. If you did it at the start why stop it now I understand people just can't be arsed but still i don't see the appeal of leg hair

WelcomeToShootingStars · 27/09/2018 23:10

I have to say, I find it really strange that anyone would refuse to shave their legs for their partner, knowing its their preference but would shave them to wear a skirt and presumably appease strangers who may see your legs.

chestylarue52 · 27/09/2018 23:10

Make an effort what? To not have hair in a place where Hair grows? Why are hairy legs ‘not making an effort’ but eyebrows, arm hair, head hair are fine? It’s just nonsense.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/09/2018 23:13

Equating non shaved legs to unbrushed teeth or a cheesy bellend is just complete illogical nonsense
^^ this

Lots of posters on here (women?) Who have been conditioned to think leg hair is unpleasant when in fact it's natural on a woman just as it is on a man. What if your partner found it sexy for you to be bald? Would you shave your head? Can't you at least make an effort to be bald for your husband? I mean how do you expect him to be sexually attracted to you if you have all that hair growing on your head? No wonder he's sleeping with other women, you make no effort.

chestylarue52 · 27/09/2018 23:14

You know this thread makes me so sad. That there are women out there that think my legs are vile, disgusting and slovenly.

JaniceBattersby · 27/09/2018 23:15

Problem is that our generation have been socialised form an extremely young age to think that anything but totally smooth legs is grim.

I recognise that my own shuddery feelings towards hairy legs are a product of conditioning, as are those of my husband. I know I should grow my leg hair as long as I damn well want to and my husband should have no thoughts either way but it’s really difficult to shake off decades of conditioning so I just shave my legs and fight the patriarchy in many other ways,

HelenaDove · 27/09/2018 23:15

And some of them work in the NHS.

chestylarue52 · 27/09/2018 23:15

I wonder if they catch a glimpse of my legs on the bus and think, ugh that disgusting vile woman with her gross leg hair, gip. Her poor boyfriend. Why won’t she make an effort for him.

Collaborate · 27/09/2018 23:18

Only on MN will a man be castigated for having an opinion on what looks sexy on a woman. As if it isn't a matter of individual preference.

EK36 · 27/09/2018 23:18

You do what you want to do. I like to shave once a week to keep tidy. In exchange my husband also has to shave off his stubble once a week too..as I don't like it!

DamnWhyAreAllTheUsernamesTaken · 27/09/2018 23:19

You are within your rights to tell him to F off.. however... I would do this for my partner because it’s minimal effort and wouldn’t make that much difference to me. My view is that when you love someone you do things that you know will make them happy (provided it isn’t something that makes you uncomfortable) and they do the same for you. Whether that’s cooking them a nice meal, giving a surprise gift or shaving your legs..

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/09/2018 23:19

For fuck's sake. A thread, in 2018, with posters saying that women who don't remove their body hair to appear more acceptable/attractive to others are vile, unhygienic, grim, disgusting etc. etc.

Do what you want. What YOU want. I don't care if you don't have a hair on your body or plait it at the weekend. Just DON'T call other women 'vile' for not aligning themselves with societal expectations of the way that they 'should' look.

Seriously, if you are posting on this thread and calling women names for refusing to pander to some expectation of what they should do with their own bodies, then have a bloody word with yourself.

sourpatchkid · 27/09/2018 23:20

Here's the key point though - would you have shaved them for him when you first starting dating? Would you shave for a new partner? I suspect you would because you said you do for holidays etc. It's not that you don't care about shaved legs.

I just don't think it's so awful to have a preference for your partners appearance- especially if that's how it was when you met. I once casually mentioned to DH that I love his stubble, he grows it out whenever he's not in formal meetings just because he knows I find it attractive even though everyone else tells him he looks like a scruffy old man - I find that quite nice, like after all these years he still wants to be handsome for me.

Whipsmart · 27/09/2018 23:21

Helena was that me you were referring to as "fucking stupid"? If so try reading my post again, I don't actually have anything against beards ShockGrin

NotUmbongoUnchained · 27/09/2018 23:25

Making an effort for each other is important in my marriage at least. I hate body hair, so my husband removes it. He doesn’t really care either way but I remove it because I want to. He does however really love it when I smell good, so I always squirt a bit of his fave perfume on through out the day. It’s just the little things that keeps the attraction going.

tolerable · 27/09/2018 23:25

to be honest...its your legs. im so relieved you didnt walk in on dp shaving his..title ould have misled.that said-thats cos in my view-men dont.are you dark hairy jaggy legs. does it really not alter the view of them?do you feel better when take the thre mins to defuzz and wear dresses.?i hate hair on me,but we are all different.thing is-you missed an opportunity to barter...possibly for sexual favours...

OhHelpNooo · 27/09/2018 23:26

Why are we all assuming the partner is male???

Smallhorse · 27/09/2018 23:28

He fancies you less with hairy legs. That s a fact.
Do what you want with that fact

FermatsTheorem · 27/09/2018 23:28

I get that completely about wanting to look attractive for your partner sourpatch. But it's the way round the issue is framed - "I find you really attractive when you do X" versus "I find you less attractive when you fail to do X."

The first would indeed make me think "wayhey, he still fancies me, preen" then "phwoarr". The second would make me feel judged and unattractive and as though he found me wanting. Add to this the fact that leg-shaving, like it or not, is a feminist issue (for precisely the reasons on this thread - it's not just aesthetics, it's a whole bunch of shitty beliefs about "unhygienic", "like not cleaning your teeth" which men do not face over the clean shave/beard issue), so this has an added layer of social disapproval and gendered expectations to it, which for me would make me particularly uncomfortable about my husband saying "I find you less attractive when you don't shave."