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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP and shaving legs

380 replies

LegHair · 27/09/2018 21:26

Am long time lurker and first time poster.

Was having a bath this evening, with DP sat in the bathroom chatting. Somehow ended up in a row about me not shaving my legs “because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other”.

Haven’t shaved legs in some time, because quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and rarely wear shorts or dresses that show off my legs. Always shave on holiday or when wearing dresses etc.

My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

So mumsnet jury - who IBU?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/09/2018 03:50

It is one thing to have a preference. It is another thing altogether to tell your partner about it in a tone and using words that imply you feel hard done by, or entitled to the sort of experience of someone else's body that people get when they buy sex.

He is not a customer, and your body is not a product that has not delivered the specs he ordered.

OP, has your H been watching porn lately?

This is the sort of comment I would expect to hear from someone who does not feel an emotional connection during sex.

TheBeastinMsRooneysRoom
It's all about how this was framed. It reads like you're enemies and he's trying to defeat you with a mean criticism, instead of partners who want to make each other happy and appear attractive to one another. Of course you aren't obliged to shave your legs

It also reads like he has decided your body is a commodity.

I wouldn't let this comment of his go, OP.

I would try to get to the bottom of it, and figure out what exactly he thinks sex is all about.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2018 06:02

He should love you anyway and it's your hair so it's your choice if you want to shave it regularly or not. I don't shave my legs very often but my fiance doesn't care if I have or not.

What effort does he make for you op?

kettleonplease · 28/09/2018 06:05

I'm frequently telling my husband to shave his face so guess it's the same thing, though mostly it's said in jest.

reallyanotherone · 28/09/2018 06:18

f we're going to pretend most people don't generally prefer smooth hair free legs, then ok, but it's just how it is

So why don’t men shave their legs?

If “most people” prefer smooth hair free legs, why do less than 50% of the population shave them?

Personally, i find the inbetween bit the issue. Hair free, fine. But i also like the feel of fully grown leg hair. It is also smooth. The rough bits are the stubble until the hair has grown enough to not be blunt at the ends. Much like mens, in fact.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2018 06:46

Your dh is right. You should make an effort for eachother. My dh doesn’t care if I have hairy legs or tbh not but I like him to shave his face. It doesn’t have to be every day. He isn’t working atm but still shaving every 2 or 3 days max. I complained when he left it for a week so he hasn’t done it again. It’s just about listening to your partner.

EdisonLightBulb · 28/09/2018 06:52

For people saying hairy legs are vile I wonder how hairy you actually are? I am very fair, you can't even see the hairs on my legs as they are blonde and fair. No one has ever noticed I don't shave my legs. I do shave my pits because they are not fine and blonde.

Anyway it's a personal choice and the OP shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of how nature intended her to be be, or have to shave her legs for a man.

madcatladyforever · 28/09/2018 06:54

I haven't shaved my legs for 6 monthas but if I had a DP I probably would. My ex DP used to shave them for me in the bath.
However, it should NOT be the subject of a row. That's not on. It should never be anything more than a pleasant request.
I am totally turned off my underarm hair on men and ex DP would never shave it, it used to turn my stomach but I never said anything.

ltk · 28/09/2018 06:54

How far is it acceptable for him to ask her to change her body? Shaving legs is easy enough, true.
What if he said he found hair on the lady garden unattractive? Slightly more work, maybe a little painful.
What if he wanted her to wear skirts/dresses instead of trousers?
What if he wanted her to lose weight?
What if he wanted her to have bigger/smaller breasts? A smaller nose?
Is it ok to ask your partner to make a change to their body to suit your preference? If so, how far is acceptable?

Sallystyle · 28/09/2018 07:02

My husband doesn't mind my hairy legs and he finds It quite sexy when I haven't shaved my armpits for a while. We all have preferences though and I prefer my husband with facial hair and he does keep it that way because he knows I love it.

BusterGonad · 28/09/2018 07:08

If the Ops partner doesn't find her leg hair attractive there isn't much she can do about it to change his mind, if she's not prepared to shave her legs for her partner then I think they have a bigger problem than leg hair.
My husband wouldn't grow a big beard because he knows that I would find that repulsive, I'd obviously still love him but wouldn't really feel like kissing him, if I cut my hair short and dyed it platinum blond he wouldn't much be impressed, if I decided to draw on scouse brows he'd be embarrassed to be seen with me, but he'd still love me. The thing is when you are not prepared to do things or look the way your partner finds attractive then you've got to wonder if you do love each other. I'm not talking about medical issues preventing you from doing these things, I mean you blatantly have hairy legs knowing your partner doesn't like it. I'm not saying having hairy legs is wrong, it isn't.

StripySocksAndDocs · 28/09/2018 07:12

Reading the OP how the partner phrased it makes it sound like it's more the lack of effort that bothers him or her more. No so much about demanding woman much be hair free as such.

As much as the OP wants her partner to make her feel special and sexy, the partner also wants the OP to make him or her feel special.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/09/2018 07:31

Never, in 36 years of marriage has my dh stropped about what I choose to do with my body. (And I haven't him, btw)
That's cos I'm not married to a twat.

MeganBacon · 28/09/2018 07:32

Of course you should be free to do with your body whatever you want, and certainly if you were single I'd say definitely don't bow to social pressure. But he's not going to start liking hairy legs soon either. And don't most people make small compromises to oil the wheels of their marriage? I would think it's a very small effort and one worth making.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2018 07:36

He's not being unreasonable to express his preference. You can choose not to do it...but accept that he may not find you quite as attractive.

I'm sure you could find the time to do it if you wanted to.

Making an effort helps keeps marriages alive.

Luxembourgmama · 28/09/2018 07:40

Does he make an effort to look good for you and wear what you find him attractive in keep fit etc I'd so then maybe you should too? For myself and my DH we both make a fairly big effort to keep fit/slim and for me that includes shaving my legs and for him keeping his beard and hair as I like it. I guess if I'm the beginning you shaved and suddenly stopped he's a reason to wonder why

Luxembourgmama · 28/09/2018 07:41

ETA I find shaving a pain in the hole time wise so I got mine lasered

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/09/2018 07:42

The thing is when you are not prepared to do things or look the way your partner finds attractive then you've got to wonder if you do love each other. bollox. Weirdly enough, what my dh finds attractive is a happy, comfortable in her own skin, confident woman. Ive had the "I don't like women in jeans, if you loved me you'd; let your hair grow, wear dresses, not wear make up, shave your legs" boyfriend. That wasn't fun, or loving. Yes, I wasn't keen on Dh's beard, and it's nice on the occasions when he's in his best gear and smelling of my favourite cologne. But, never would I tell him that not doing those things meant I didn't love him. I'm sure he feels the same.

MemoryOfSleep · 28/09/2018 07:44

Seriously, if you are posting on this thread and calling women names for refusing to pander to some expectation of what they should do with their own bodies, then have a bloody word with yourself.

This. With bells on.

TonnoEMaionese · 28/09/2018 07:45

If we're going to pretend most people don't generally prefer smooth hair free legs, then ok, but it's just how it is. Irrespective of the odd one or two who prefer it au natural

about 50% of the population seem to have no problem with it on themselves, and their partners seem to cope.

Don't see why women should be expected to have no problem with men's hairy legs, but it's eyebrow raising that women should expect the same in return.

I haven't shaved my legs in many years. DP (unshaven face in case that matters) has commented. I've said that I will go back to shaving legs and pits if he does it for a month. Just one month of daily pit and leg shaving, which I had previously been doing for years - I made this offer 3 years ago. He has yet to shave once. If he can't be bothered, then I don't see why I should.

Snowymountainsalways · 28/09/2018 07:55

I want to say to you not to bother, but honestly I think we all have things we find unattractive (nasal hair etc) if it is a turn off for him then I would shave your legs, because we all have to compromise. Beards make me feel sick, dh suddenly grew one (and he has from time to time not shaved) I could not even kiss him. It really makes me feel icky.

We all have preferences, and if you are in a good relationship then it is better to respect and honor those preferences, however it def works both ways.

Juells · 28/09/2018 07:58

HRTFT but a suggestion early in the thread to ask him to shave his legs made me laugh, because I then imagined a scenario in which you persuaded him it would be very very sexy to wax his legs, describing the warm sexy wax being spread on, how delightful it would feel blah blah blah, then leaving him with the wax all over his legs for him to get off by himself Grin

Branleuse · 28/09/2018 08:02

Its not as if you have a political objection, as you shave them yourself when other people who are not your husband will see, so I dont see it as a massive ask to occasionally do it if he prefers it, and its personally important to you that he finds you attractive. Its a pretty conventional request.

I guess its up to you. My dp doesnt ask this of me. I think if he did then i would do it, as I certainly had an opinion when he grew his beard long

LittleMissMarker · 28/09/2018 08:05

I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

OK, so what extra efforts does (s)he make to be nice and attractive for you? Beyond what (s)he would do everyday to go out in public, that is. This sentence sounds as if you are willing to put up with whatever your partner finds acceptable for himself/herself whereas (s)he expects you to make an extra effort for him/her. If s/he would be willing to make an effort in return then you have different priorities. If not then s/he is a selfish twat.

blueskiesandforests · 28/09/2018 08:12

Ain'tnothing are you seriously arguing that not removing all body hair your partner doesn't find appealing makes a person "an animal" ?

That is frankly bizzare, as are the illogical attempts to claim that a woman not removing body hair is exactly the same as a man not showering! A woman not showering is the same as a man not showering.

A woman not removing leg hair is perhaps culturally similar to an adult man not removing hair from a hairy back or chest, because that area is usually covered in winter and a matter of personal variation and preference.

The beard/ stubble parallel is closer than the nonsensical showering one, but as faces are on display all the time and unkept facial hair might cause problems with work, which should not be possible with hair not visible under clothing.

WorldWideWomble · 28/09/2018 08:12

72 days of your life wasted on shaving

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/average-time-spent-shaving-legs_n_3063127

I mean that can fuck off to the far side of fuck really.

Where do we draw the line, leg shaving, bit of make up, spending ages on hair in the morning? Women literally waste their lives to look pretty for their partners and the male equivalent is putting on deodorant.