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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP and shaving legs

380 replies

LegHair · 27/09/2018 21:26

Am long time lurker and first time poster.

Was having a bath this evening, with DP sat in the bathroom chatting. Somehow ended up in a row about me not shaving my legs “because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other”.

Haven’t shaved legs in some time, because quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and rarely wear shorts or dresses that show off my legs. Always shave on holiday or when wearing dresses etc.

My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

So mumsnet jury - who IBU?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 29/09/2018 10:11

Good luck with unpicking this misogynistic shit. The debate about depilation was running when I first became politically aware in the early 1970s. The prejudice against and disgust for women who don't adhere to the perceived norm is worse now. Back then women were expected to have some body hair (pubes), now it seems that a high proportion of both sexes think it's dirty or disgusting. We've actually gone backwards.

Bluntness, you're arguing against yourself. You claim to abhor intolerance then make spiteful remarks about women who choose not to dye their hair, wear makeup or high heels.

I wear a face full of make up every day but I don't dye my hair because I like my natural silver and dyed hair aged me, I don't wear high heels because trainers and brogues suit my look, high heels would look ridiculous with my casual wardrobe. But you've written me off as some kind of dowdy, colourless frump. Cheers, sister.

CantankerousCamel · 29/09/2018 10:14

Bluntness has displayed difficulty assessing arguments that have been put to her. I very much doubt she’s deliberately attacking people, I just think she is reacting to perceived slights with the added distress of not really understanding what they are.

Juells · 29/09/2018 10:22

I don't dye my hair because I like my natural silver and dyed hair aged me

Apologies in advance for going off at a tangent. I went grey very early (mid-twenties) and for years got streaks or bleach or dye. Hated it, because my roots showed so quickly, and it looked so harsh against my skin tone. Just in the last few months my hairdresser told me about a dye that has no ammonia nor nuthin' in it, you don't need a skin test, and it fades gradually over a few weeks, you never see the roots. I love it. That's all I know about it unfortunately. Hair is in great condition, the colour is very soft, and you can't see re-growth. Also much cheaper than getting streaks, less than half the price.

Bluelady · 29/09/2018 10:31

I didn't interpret it as a personal attack, Camel, after all she has no clue what I look like! I just want Bluntness to recognise that while condemning judgement and intolerance she's displaying both.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/09/2018 11:05

Sorry derail - @juells what is that dye?!

Juells · 29/09/2018 11:53

He didn't tell me the name - it's one he mixes up. There's a transparent base, then he adds various percentages of warm or cool browns. It's over six weeks now since I had it done (I get it done when hair cut) and it's all faded smoothly so my hair isn't grey any more, it looks a very natural dark blonde. The underlying streakiness of your own hair shows through, so it looks 'right', it isn't a flat all-over colour. I love it, best colour I've ever had. I'll PM you so I have your posting name in my sent folder, I'm getting it done next week and will ask.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/09/2018 13:58

Thanks! I’ve been looking for a more natural dye, it gets bleached at the hairdressers way too often.

Holidaycountdown · 29/09/2018 15:36

My DH dared to comment on about 3 days worth of stubble once...told him to come back when he has a six-pack and we’d discuss it 😂

littlechocolatechippies · 29/09/2018 16:21

I suppose it's a matter of preference. To be fair where I'm from, Italy, most of men my age wax their chest and back, pluck a bit their eyebrows and during the summer even do their lower legs.

My beautician had as many men on her clients listnas women.

You can always ask him to do the same for you OP, if he persists Grin I'm sure he will change his mind.

Bestseller · 29/09/2018 16:27

I'm conflicted about this. I k ow it's my right to do as a please with my leg hair and I don't shave that often. I would be furious if DH critised me for it, which he doesnt

However, I do "remind" him that he needs a shave on a fairly regular basis as I hate how unkempt he looks when he doesn't and, yes, I think he should make a bit of effort when he's with me.

Is one OK and not the other or are both wrong?

Frazzled2207 · 29/09/2018 16:42

My dh prefers it when I shave my legs but I admit I don't often bother in winter.
He has said to me that although he'd prefer it if he did he doesn't think it's his place to tell me to do it.

ScarlettPimpernell123 · 29/09/2018 16:44

I think it's nice to make an effort for your partner - If you feel this comment makes you feel less sexy and loved, may be work on your self confidence?

Strongmummy · 29/09/2018 17:42

I can’t be arsed to shave my legs but I wouldn’t expect my husband to find me incredibly sexy with unshaven legs as I know he doesn’t like it. Just as i don’t find it sexy when my husband grows stubble on his face. He still does it. Being in a relationship is about feeling comfortable with yourself and each other. However, if you want to be sexy in your relationship you do need to do
Stuff that your partner finds sexy!!!

Alice786 · 29/09/2018 17:51

Honestly how it should be and how it is are two totally different things. Yes people should not be superficial but the reality of life is that attraction for a lot of people is based on superficial things like looks and the truth is people can't help the way they feel or what they are into. You can be a feminist if you choose but if your partner feels like you can't br bothered to make the effort for him, he may slowly drift away and possibly find someone who does make more of an effort. Unfortunately that is the tough reality of life. I know its really hard and at some points in our life impossible to even make time fo such things but i feel this is one of the reasons people get disenchanted with each other when they stop making the effort for each other and it should be a two way thing. See it as doing something nice for your DP. The choice is yours to make...

Leapfrog44 · 29/09/2018 17:53

Yes shaved legs are maybe male-defined version of femininity but personally I'd want to do it to please my husband if he liked it.

I want him to enjoy my body and he wants me to enjoy his. It's not about being 'told what to do with' your body, it's about making an effort for each other.

He may feel comfortable not showering but rather than demanding I find him sexy no matter how much he smells, he chooses to wash. Extreme example I know but the principle is the same

AlisonOrdnung · 29/09/2018 18:09

Hmmm. What do you want from him that requires some unnecessary effort? I shave my legs when they’re on show - I’m not against leg shaving. I might do invest the 90 seconds it takes through the winter months if... I got two hours in the bath on a Sunday morning... He stuck a box of really nice chocs in the weekly shop... He paid for a massage and leg waxing session (leg waxing first obvs). If you’re not completely against it for moral reasons, you could do a swap. Otherwise ask him if it’s you he loves or your prepubescent legs. Pow

PandorasBag · 29/09/2018 18:13

You can be a feminist if you choose but if your partner feels like you can't br bothered to make the effort for him, he may slowly drift away

I'll be a feminist thanks. And only hang out with men who respect feminism.

AlisonOrdnung · 29/09/2018 18:21

Or... tell him that what you really like is when a man cleans the bathroom. Like really cleans it. In an apron. And nothing else. See if this ‘making the effort’ thing cuts both ways and if not LTB

AdoreTheBeach · 29/09/2018 18:23

It’s not a big ask particularly if it’s something your husband feels is sexy. Both of you making an effort goes a long way in a relationship. Whereas causing an argument because you just can’t be asked says a lot.

You’d be so surprised how doing a small thing your husband likes, goes a long way towards fostering appreciation.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/09/2018 18:25

You can be a feminist if you choose but if your partner feels like you can't br bothered to make the effort for him, he may slowly drift away

I missed this. Is there a straight choice? Feminism OR making an effort in a relationship?

My DH is a feminist. I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

Strongmummy · 29/09/2018 18:31

Since when does feminism mean you don’t make an effort. I’m an ardent feminist and I love wearing make up, doing my hair, wearing clothes that show off my curves. To me feminism is little to do with what women WANT to wear or do with their bodies and everything to do with how they’re treated.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 29/09/2018 18:33

To me feminism is little to do with what women WANT to wear or do with their bodies and everything to do with how they’re treated.
In which case women don’t wear make up or share because they are making an effort (en effort to who and to confirm to whose expectations?) but because they feel like it.

Blueink · 29/09/2018 18:39

Him. I’d find it controlling.

Bluelady · 29/09/2018 18:40

I'm with you all the way, Strongmummy. That's my definition of feminism too. And there are more important issues to most feminists than whether or not they shave their legs.

Mummyof0ne · 29/09/2018 18:40

Hmmm but hairy legs aren’t really sexy (in my opinion)

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