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Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
Singlebutmarried · 27/09/2018 14:11

Who organised the hen night?

Usually the organiser would say how the costs work.

Mookatron · 27/09/2018 14:11

Aw, it's not the money, is it? I don't think she's being a cf. I'd just give her a hug and say 'aw, we didn't think, of course we'll pay, because we love you.'

keely79 · 27/09/2018 14:11

I think it's quite normal for the group to put in a bit extra and pay for the hen.

Fatted · 27/09/2018 14:11

Who has been organising the hen do? Surely they would have sorted this? Why is she blaming you?

SneakyGremlins · 27/09/2018 14:12

Do the hens normally pay for the whole thing? Confused

spudlet7 · 27/09/2018 14:12

I think it's the norm to pay for the hen, especially for such a small amount - it sounds like it's the gesture she cares about, not the money itself. So yes, I think you should have paid. That said, it's hardly the crime of the century and she's reading an awful lot into what is really just some innocent thoughtlessness. She's not being a CF but she is being a bit silly. Just talk to her and explain there was nothing meant behind it and you just didn't think.

AuntBeastie · 27/09/2018 14:13

In my experience it’s the usual practice for the bride’s costs to be split among the hens. That combined with it being what you do for birthdays probably means she thought it would be done.

She is rude to sulk about it though! In her shoes I would just have paid and not made a fuss.

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:13

singlebutmarried she organised it herself. I was doing it and sorting out the arrangements but passed it over to her to phone the theatre and book the tickets.
She just said "total cost is £300, because there's 10 of us in total"

OP posts:
CluedoAddict · 27/09/2018 14:13

Yes it's normal to pay for the hen.

dreamyflower · 27/09/2018 14:13

All the hens I've been to, including the one I organised and my own the bride hasn't paid. I don't think she's being cf I think it's standard to expect to be treated on hen.

Armchairanarchist · 27/09/2018 14:17

It's normal here that the hen would not pay anything for drinks, food, tickets, transport, etc.

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:17

auntbeastie she isn't sulking as such, she just seems very reluctant to talk about the hen do and not particularly excited. I know her well enough to know she was upset about something, other people wouldn't necessarily have realised something was wrong.

OP posts:
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:19

Thinking back I didn't pay anything towards my own hen do, we had a cocktail making class and everyone else covered my costs. Blush
Oh I feel a bit shit now. I just sort of thought oh she's dealing with her own so haven't really thought about it much tbh

OP posts:
TakeAChanseyOnMe · 27/09/2018 14:20

Be honest with her and say it completely slipped your mind and of course you’ll chip in for her. Are there plans for dinner or drinks with the theatre?

The only hen I’ve been on, the bride didn’t let us pay for her accommodation (as she earned more than most of us) but we paid for the surprise entertainment we’d organised.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 14:21

I think she's just feeling insecure. I doubt she's trying to score a free theatre ticket just be acknowledged in the same way she sees other people being acknowledged. For your part you just probably thought it was a small deal and didn't think to offer. Neither are BU I would just have a chat to her be nice and say we'd be happy to chip in you're very much part of the family and we were planning on buying your drinks/dinner etc.

Shakirasma · 27/09/2018 14:22

Are you having a pre-show dinner where you could all cover the cost of her meal?

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/09/2018 14:25

Neither is true, you aren't a cow it simply didn't cross your mind and she's not a cf at all, she's just a little hurt.

I would go around and tell her you of course see her as family and it simply was an oversight as she gave you the price

44PumpLane · 27/09/2018 14:27

I’ve been on some hens where we paid for the bride and some where we didn’t.

I had the cheapest hen do of any I’ve ever been to (£10 afternoon tea was the only “mandatory” cost for those attending and then we all went to the pub so was effectively as cheap as you wanted to make it). I paid for myself as it was so inexpensive it just wasn’t even an issue so I can see how you wouldn’t have thought about it for a £30 theatre ticket.

However as she sees others being paid for then I can kind of understand her feeling a bit deflated that no one has offered, especially as it’s only an extra £3 a head for everyone else and not an extra £50 a head (as I have previously done before too)!

weaving5688 · 27/09/2018 14:27

yes i do think it's about being seen as family, rather than her not wanting to part with £30, i'd backtrack too. What holes said

BendAndLoft · 27/09/2018 14:27

Bless, she probably feels a bit deflated about the whole thing. It doesn’t sound like she’s a demanding sort as the hen do seems low key so is there any surprises you could arrange? Nothing costing lots but maybe a small photo album with a favourite picture from each hen with the bride to be? Just something thoughtful to show you all think a lot if her.

ArianwenTheAstronaut · 27/09/2018 14:28

Aw you sound lovely and I can tell you definitely didn’t do it on purpose, but I think you’ve maybe hurt her feelings a bit. It’s not the money, it’s the sentiment.

Fwiw, we always pay for the hen in my group of friends and family. But I don’t know if that’s the norm elsewhere.

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:28

It's a lunchtime thing, the £30 includes a lunch because it's just a small local thing rather than a big show.

I don't actually think she'd accept the money if we offered to pay her back her share now, i think she'd feel a bit of an after thought. We all paid about 3 weeks ago because it's next weekend, so a bit late to go oh here's an extra three quid without it being a very obvious after thought

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TakeAChanseyOnMe · 27/09/2018 14:30

Could you take her out for a drink after? As a surprise, you could reserve a table in a pub and have prosecco ready. Then you could drop hints about a surprise so she feels a bit more special?

(I didn’t have a hen do, I hate attention. Grin)

ArianwenTheAstronaut · 27/09/2018 14:32

Agree some gesture would be nice. I like the photo idea.

My dh has made funny photo books with a sort of story, (using photographs of the stag), when his friends have got married. They have turned out really well. Maybe something like that?

He did one called “why ‘Geoffrey’ will make a great husband”. It was really very funny.

Maybe something like that?

PasswordRejection · 27/09/2018 14:38

So she had to organise her own hen do and pay for herself?

No wonder she's feeling a bit crap about it!

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