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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 15:15

I've been awful haven't I Sad. Thinking back over everything she's lent me money in the past if I've had unexpected bills and things, straight away just says how much do you need, no rush to pay it back just whenever you can. And I didn't even think to pay a couple of quid for her hen do. I'm actually embarrassed for myself, I feel like such a bitch.

I'm going to do my best to make her feel better. I just genuinely didn't think, she's quite quiet and isn't pushy asking for things so I didn't think. I'm going to hers tonight. Or i might go tomorrow then i can take wine and we can have a takeaway with no having to think about work in the morning.

OP posts:
ArianwenTheAstronaut · 27/09/2018 15:17

I don’t think you’re a bitch at all op, you just didn’t think. Now you’ve realised you should be doing more to make a fuss of her. So at least you know now.

diddl · 27/09/2018 15:18

"However I organised my own and paid for everyone."

Me too-twice!

Didn't expect people to be any more out of pocket that they had to be for my wedding!

Had no idea that it's the "norm" to not organise or pay for your own hen do.

Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 15:19

quartz That's what I've just done, I've read it back. It was more a moment of what, she's upset because she had to pay £30, that's ridiculous. I didn't even consider the birthday thing until db mentioned it, I didn't link them in my mind. She probably thinks we hate her doesn't she.

OP posts:
Armchairanarchist · 27/09/2018 15:19

Please, please (if you can afford it) make her feel special on the day with some surprises. If you can't think of anything then I'm sure someone on MN will have have ideas.

itswinetime · 27/09/2018 15:21

I don't think you have been awful op! I can see who SIL isn't feeling great though too! By all means go round but I would focus on doing a few bits a pieces as surprises for her make her feel excited and special about it again

ArianwenTheAstronaut · 27/09/2018 15:23

Had no idea that it's the "norm" to not organise or pay for your own hen do.

Well, it is among my friends, but that’s not to say it’s the same everywhere 🤷‍♀️. Funnily enough, my dsis was just asking me my opinion on this very subject as she’s bm for her friend and one of the other bms said “obviously we’ll all be chipping in to cover Felicity’s costs” and my dsis and bm #3 thought otherwise. So it’s definitely different depending on who you ask. That hen do is a big trip abroad though, so a lot more than a few quid to chip in. I’d actually rather just chip in than go to one of those tbh Blush.

SD1978 · 27/09/2018 15:23

I can understand, however unintentionally, why she has been made to feel the way she has. You got her to phone herself, and get the money from everyone. That's not much of a hen do. I'd be asking everyone to chip in at least £10 if not more so she can have a spa day or something nice. The hen do seems very anticlimactic. I j so it was on purpose- but I'd feel quite upset and disappointed too.

Lookingforadvice123 · 27/09/2018 15:24

It's quite normal to do this apparently, although I (nor my bridesmaids who organised my hen 5 years ago!) got the memo as I paid for myself without a thought, and was actually surprised when a couple of years later I was asked to split the cost for the bride. I've done it a few times since though so it's definitely a thing.

For the sake of £3 each I would offer, it's probably not the cost that's bothering her more what it represents. I do think she's being precious, but meh, what's £3 eachZ

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2018 15:24

Hate no I dont think she thinks that. I suspect she feels she has tried her best to fit in with her MIL and two SIL and be part of the family but when it comes down to it she never will be and she will always be an outsider.

greyspottedgoose · 27/09/2018 15:25

Instead of offering to give her back the money she has spent is try and arrange another surprise for the day, a lovely big gesture to show her how special she is to the family

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2018 15:25

Interval drinks and a fuss, OP - that’s what you need. Phone the theatre and ask them to arrange some decorations on the table especially, a special dessert, extra sparkling fizz.

And the takeaway tomorrow.

thedogiswearingtartan · 27/09/2018 15:27

Why did you ask her to call and book it herself, instead of you doing it? You don't normally organise your own hen do. Poor girl, no wonder she's upset.

Lookingforadvice123 · 27/09/2018 15:27

Aw just read your update, I feel a bit sorry for her now, it's horrible having to chase for money. My sister is notoriously bad at paying for stuff and luckily my bridesmaids organised my hen, otherwise I would've been left with that stress. So I can see why she found it stressful having to chase her future MIL and SIL. I would do what pp have suggested and book a table at a nice bar or something for after the show, and organise a few bottles of fizzy for the table. Get everyone else to chip in so it won't cost much at all, and maybe get a couple of balloons or something or decorate the table, just a little gesture to make some effort.

Cupcakecafe · 27/09/2018 15:31

Agree with pp, few little extras to make her feel special should be enough to fix things. Especially if she doesn't usually expect everything to be paid for her.
I'm not sure I'd be expecting her to be as ok to chip in for birthdays or lend money in the future though.

Smishsmash · 27/09/2018 15:35

I can see why she is upset. Could you organise tea & cake for after the show? Or a bouquet of naice flowers and chocolates from all the hens.

SpannerH · 27/09/2018 15:37

I agree with the majority here. Speak to her and make it up to her, don't try and offer the money back now but do put the effort in without her knowing in terms of organising something with the rest of the people going. Whether its paying for all her drinks, getting her a pamper session, something to show you care. this is your time to show it.

Cupcakecafe · 27/09/2018 15:38

Also, other than the details my situation is very similar but from the other side. I've recently booked my own hen party (My only bridesmaid is my sister and she's only interested when discussing what she's wearing/ how she's having her hair and make-up/ etc)
Fiances family tend to all pay for each other but none of them suggested covering my costs for the hen party as I didn't ask for it. I'm not massively upset, but it does make me reconsider how much they consider me family.
However for mine, one of my friends text dps sister saying is nobody going to offer to cover the bride and was told oh we hadn't thought about it. Nobody did offer (and I didn't know my friend had text until after because she was annoyed on my behalf as she didn't pay for a thing on her hen party).

AlphaBravo · 27/09/2018 15:38

OP can you organise just a family thing too for her as a surprise? Like just the women in your family and her? A little afternoon tea or prosecco dinner somewhere, or even just a curry night at one of your houses to 'welcome her to the family'?

BlingLoving · 27/09/2018 15:41

Oh bless you. You totally get that you've been a bit mean. Personally, I don't think you should wait. You need to immediately visit/call/text to apologise profusely and tell her you'll make it up to her. Ideally, not just on your own behalf but any of the hens who are members of the family - ie your mum and sister etc. And then you need to club together to pay her share, even if it's just between the three of you or so which means it's an extra tenner each.

And then, you need to make it up to her by showing her how important she is to you and your family. Personally, I'd suggest that you do something just you and her and other family.

cornflakegirl · 27/09/2018 15:43

This is a lovely thread. It's great that you have such a good relationship that you noticed she was down about it, and actually talked to your brother about what was wrong. You've been unintentionally thoughtless, and you want to make it up to her - and I'm sure you'll be able to. Flowers

GinIsIn · 27/09/2018 15:48

Look, you have been rubbish, but at least you acknowledge that. I don't think it's just the money, but the fact you made her ring up and book her own....

Can you get planning on something extra to make her feel like someone cares?

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2018 15:48

Ah poor thing, organised her own hen, paid for herself, and even had to chase her future inlaws to pay their own share. That's shit. I don't think anyone would be feeling all happy about it.

I get you were just thoughtless but when you couple it in with your sister and mothers behaviour towards her, you can see why she'd feel shit. I don't get why you had to ask on here though and didn't see it.

I'd say you should all chip in and do something nice for her. Pre champagne ordered that sort of thing.

fanomoninon · 27/09/2018 15:53

Yup, I think the route you are going now is the right one - as you say, it's less about the money (although I do think paying for the bride is pretty standard, but not universal) and more about feeling like people are making a little bit of a fuss/looking forward to it/excited about the hen do. I think combined with the fact that you've handed the organising to her; people aren't paying up, never mind not treating her & she probably feels like what should be a lovely, slightly self-indulgent treat, and a chance to feel loved and welcomed, has turned a bit sour.

As everyone has said, big bunch of flowers and a big hug for her tonight, and then start organising some little treats for the night that you and the other hens pay for. Limo on the night? Ask the theatre to make an announcement after the perfomance (if it's a local one, they might!); fizz and cake for the interval; get everyone to email you a few photos and make her a lovely memory book.

Welshmaiden85 · 27/09/2018 15:54

I had to organise my own head do and it was a right pain to get people to pay. Then my mother in law organised a family event the day before our wedding and didn’t invite me. Years later she realises it was unkind but at the time I just felt terrible and cried a lot. It sounds a bit silly, but your DH family are important and if you want to get along with people it’s sad if they seem to not embrace you.