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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
PasswordRejection · 27/09/2018 14:39

How come you were organising it and then she had to take over?

overagain · 27/09/2018 14:40

Yeah, it's pretty normal to cover the cost of the hen. I'd certainly do it if it wasn't a holiday abroad or something, and even then I'd expect to put towards any activities we did on the brides behalf.

At my hen I didn't pay for a thing myself, it was never even discussed.

And at the 2 hen dos I've organised I have always asked the other invitees to chip in (and made it clear how much that would be). I've only once had someone refuse, and I just covered their bit.

I've always chipped in when I've been invited to, and specifically asked to if the organiser hasn't made it clear that has already been accounted for.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 27/09/2018 14:42

Pay for a massage, facial, nails pamper session as a surprise and get everyone to chip in.

QuantamBaby · 27/09/2018 14:44

I think you need to do a bit of recovery work! As you said, don't try and give her £30 back, it looks like an afterthought. Instead concentrate on making the actual hen do lovely for her - get all those going to chip and then get the lunch venue to decorate the table, buy her a hen balloon or get her a tiara or something (or whatever you think she'll like!), get champagne ordered for the theatre etc etc. I think it's just important that you show her you care and are all happy to be there and wishing her the best!

Allthewaves · 27/09/2018 14:44

Could you ask everyone to chip that no at and give it to her for her hair/makeup

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2018 14:47

Just one of those things. She’s feeling sensitive about it, which is a bit silly really as you all seem to care a lot about her. I’m way older and would have felt the same at that age though. Can you not just talk to her?

itswinetime · 27/09/2018 14:47

Can still be sorted get everyone to chip in for something fizzy to drink and is the £30 including her food? Or can you still cover that?

Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:48

password yeah she's arranged everything. Originally we were going to do something else but were struggling to find a place which had capacity for 10 so when we found an alternative I said to her did she mind phoning and booking the theatre she said ok.

Speaking to db via text and he said she had to ask my mother and younger sister could they pay their share about 6 times as both stopped replying to messages once the show was agreed and talks turned to payment. They only actually paid after db called them both himself 2 weeks after she'd paid the full amount. Apparently when he asked her if she was looking forward to it she cried and said she felt shit and it was more hassle than it's worth.

I'm going to go and see her tonight, I feel like I've (we've?) really upset her and I really didn't mean to.
I just didnt think about it after passing it over to her other than saying yeah that date works for me when she was booking it

OP posts:
MyHusbandSaysIHave1000MNNames · 27/09/2018 14:51

I can see her POV, it's not the money it's feeling like she's less valued then she would be if they were already married.

Everyone chip in £3 and get on with it, just tell your brother it was a mix up or you or whoever is running the thing forgot to include that in others costs.

Sparklyfee · 27/09/2018 14:51

I'd go and see her and take flowers. Just say you hadn't thought about it and didn't know the others weren't paying up.

Then organise a few surprises and make a fuss of her on the day. A little party bag/box with treats in or something? Get everyone to chip in

Wheresthel1ght · 27/09/2018 14:52

Oh the poor love, no wonder she feels shit about it.

The idea up thread about prosecco at a pub before/after sounds lovely. Anyone you know do hair and makeup? Maybe see if they are free to book them in to give her a bit of a pamper?

SunnyCoco · 27/09/2018 14:53

It’s not really about the £30 it’s how it’s made her feel

Get everyone to do something thoughtful for her - create a book of handwritten messages, organise champagne at lunch, etc

Just show her some care basically
Best of luck

livefornaps · 27/09/2018 14:54

Yeah it sounds like she's had a shit time thanks to your relatives.

I would be feeling crap, too!

What the hell was your mum thinking in particular??

Don't let her pay for a single drink on the day

Happinessisabook · 27/09/2018 14:54

I feel like you've (unintentionally) been a bit mean to be honest.

You say you consider her family and it's a done thing in your family to pay for the person who's birthday (and then presumably other events too) it is, but you didn't even consider offering to pay her share even though it was such a tiny amount.
She probably doesn't feel very welcomed in the family if she's been left to arrange everything alone and has had to chase 'family' that much. I know I'd feel like they didn't want to be there which wouldn't make me feel very good.
You haven't said how old she is but if she's young it probably stings a bit.

Out of interest have your family ever taken her out for her birthday? Did she seem willing to pay other people's shares at their birthdays or was she a bit reluctant?

itswinetime · 27/09/2018 14:54

Ouch re thought my original reply it's going to take more than that to help this isn't about the money is it's about the fact that everyone has made her feel like her hen doo is pain in the arse and they would rather not! You need to try to focus on making it special can you get her in for hair/nails they morning of?

PeridotCricket · 27/09/2018 14:58

Doing something thoughtful and nice like a picture book - home made or otherwise, something that everyone has signed that she hasn't had to organise!! That would be a lovely idea.

diddl · 27/09/2018 14:59

Before I read about your mum & sister I thought that she sounded absolutely ridiculous tbh.

Wtf didn't they pay straight away?

That also said-why did you hand her the phone to book (&pay for everything?)

Is it really about having to pay her own way (surely not that unusual), or the overall lack of thought by others?

Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 15:04

naps I don't really know what dm was thinking, she's always been a bit tight with money and borrows our things ideas of buying her own (won't give them back either, we have to take them because if we ask we won't get it once I lost gloves and asked if she'd seen them, completely denied ever seeing them until I saw her wearing them then it was that they were very warm ).
Sis is just a bit thoughtless, she's young and a bit self centred tbh.

happiness, no she hasn't had any important birthdays since we have known her. She met db at 23 and is now 28. The first time we went out as a family and mentioned splitting the bill so the birthday person didn't pay she seemed surprised (presumably they don't do it in her family) but didn't complain and every other time has automatically got out the extra cash to cover.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 27/09/2018 15:04

Poor woman. No wonder she’s feeling hurt. I’d be sad too.

Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 15:06

Sorry that should say instead not ideas

OP posts:
ArianwenTheAstronaut · 27/09/2018 15:07

So, she’s paid for your family members’ birthday dinners out, but never been treated to one herself and then not one of you thought to pay for her pretty undemanding hen do..? Oof! I get you didn’t mean to be thoughtless op, but ouch. I feel a bit sorry for her.

PuppyMonkey · 27/09/2018 15:07

Aw, poor bride. I'd definitely try and organise some lovely surprise treat to add to the day. Your mum and sister should be the ones feeling ashamed.

TheOrigFV45 · 27/09/2018 15:14

Bless you both.

She sounds like a good friend and it's nice you can speak openly to each other. It sounds like an upfront honest conversation and explanation will clear it all up and you'll be able to have a laugh about it, I hope.

Don't make excuses - just make amends.

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2018 15:14

OP take a moment and read through everything

Your poor SIL to be is forced to cover everyone else birthday meals yet in 5 years has never had anyone else cover

Was forced to do her own Hen party and then not only did you not offer to cover (which for £30 seems fine) she had to chase your mum and sister for money

And you geniunely had a moment of thinking she might be a cf and not that your family have not offered her the same treatment they would expect and have been given in return

she is not the cf here at all

eddielizzard · 27/09/2018 15:15

It seems on here that bridesmaids usually organise hen dos and pay for brides. That seems the accepted thing.

However I organised my own and paid for everyone. No one offered to contribute. So I can see both sides.

I think the offer of paying for her should be made, and if she refuses, then club together and get her something she'd like.