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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
Veterinari · 27/09/2018 15:54

Well done on realising OP - it sounds like you and SIL are both lovely! It’s exactly the kind of thing i’d Do - not out of any malice but simply because it wouldn't Occur to me. Can you pre-order some fizz at the theatre bar? And perhaps speak to the staff there to ask if there’s any chance of a deal or upgrade? If it’s a lunchtime thing could you get a box on the cheap? Or a cake/fizz/balloons with the lunch so that she feels special?

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 27/09/2018 15:56

@Wadewilson

You can totally fix this. Just admit that you were being an idiot. Tell her that on the day she texted about payment your mind had been elsewhere and you just didnt think properly but you've now realised how silly your were and say you're sorry. Give her a hug and tell her she is your family and you hate that you've made he feel that she's not.
Then on the day of the hen, take her a basket for pamper stuff. A voucher for an eyebrow wax and manicure for the week of the wedding and some nice bath products. Stuff like that.

firstdegreehb · 27/09/2018 15:56

Aww I feel for her. You shouldn't have asked her to book the show herself and get the cash off people herself, and as you say you should have organised for the hens to cover her costs.

Nothing that isn't resolvable, it's clear you really care about her, she just needs a bit of TLC

Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 16:02

Thanks guys.
I've just text her asking if she fancies me coming round tomorrow for takeaway and wine, and I'll start arranging things to make her feel special.

I'm thinking some balloons, a sash, tiara and fizz. Then take her out for a few cocktails after the show and possibly another meal if we are out late or the lunch is small

OP posts:
TheOrigFV45 · 27/09/2018 16:07

She needs a chocolate willy.

Trust me, a chocolate willy will make it all better!

Poulnabron · 27/09/2018 16:07

So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.

You haven't been awful, OP -- the above only makes sense as a source of upset if she's seeing her hen as some kind of family occasion run according to the rules of the family she's marrying into (rather than her own family, say, or her own friendship group).

Whereas hens to me are more about a bride's friendship group, often including female family members if she's close to them -- but the core is her friends, particularly her bridesmaids, and the organisation is usually done by her bridesmaids, using the norms the normally govern who pays etc in their circles.

Unless the hen is primarily made up of women from your family, I don't see why she would expect who pays to be allocated according to your family tradition -- presumably if she has a birthday meal with your family, you'll pay for her? Or are you her bridesmaid, too? If so, what's normal among your friendship group for paying on hens?

ChocolateOrIDie · 27/09/2018 16:17

its normal to pay for the hen

Original poster
Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 16:21

Chocolate willies make everything better fv45 Grin

poulnabron there's 6 from our family, the hen, her mother and 2 friends. I think she probably just expected us to offer because that's what (she presumably thinks) we would do if she was a sister instead of sil.

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 27/09/2018 16:24

Oh bless her. I don’t think you e been intentionally mean but I can see why she’s feels not part of the family.

How about a bottle of bubbles at the lunch with a special cake. I don’t know whether she’d like the whole bride to be sash, tiara, balloons etc or she’d be really embarrassed by it, only you can tell.

She was obviously too embarrassed to say anything but is upset by it. Don’t beat yourself up over it though, you can apologise and make it up to her

Enjoy the show and lunch (and obviously pay for lunch 😄)

hungryhippo90 · 27/09/2018 16:29

Can you not all club together for something else to do after? Maybe treat her to a few spa treatments between the lot of you.

I’m not trying to be unkind, but it doesn’t sound like anyone’s being particularly thoughtful... maybe take her aside you and other family members and do something....”welcome to the family sis! Properly now!” Or something.

BrokenWing · 27/09/2018 16:33

Who are her bridesmaids? They should be organising this, unless this is a separate family do.

Speak to her bridesmaids and tell them what they should be doing.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 16:36

Well done on realising OP - it sounds like you and SIL are both lovely! It’s exactly the kind of thing i’d Do - not out of any malice but simply because it wouldn't Occur to me.

This. It's difficult to change your mind about something. SiL is lucky she's marrying in to a lovely family.

PavlovaFaith · 27/09/2018 16:42

Aw we need an update for this thread! I hope all's well that ends well Smile

Haireverywhere · 27/09/2018 16:46

I have always been to hen dos where we've either paid or chipped in because it's just been the close friend's and family going. If the hen has chosen something expensive (instead of the BMs choosing it) they've paid for themself.

mydietstartsmonday · 27/09/2018 16:50

Oh bless her. Do something nice for her, she needs to be spoilt. She hasn't gone over the top with her hen do either.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 27/09/2018 16:50

What sort of show is it? Can you get in touch with the venue and get them to shout out "congratulations to the Hen" sort of thing?

worriedsister2 · 27/09/2018 16:52

Oh bless her. I’ve not rtft but from your op it sounds like she wants to do it the way your family do it as she’s joining your team as opposed to being paid for in a CF way

IdahoJones · 27/09/2018 16:54

Another 'ah, bless her'.

She deserves a medal for not dragging you all abroad.

HarropShitman · 27/09/2018 17:02

Speaking to db via text and he said she had to ask my mother and younger sister could they pay their share about 6 times as both stopped replying to messages once the show was agreed and talks turned to payment. They only actually paid after db called them both himself 2 weeks after she'd paid the full amount. Apparently when he asked her if she was looking forward to it she cried and said she felt shit and it was more hassle than it's worth.

Oh dear. That's really crap. Anyways, that ship has sailed. Has she agreed to the takeaway?

If it were me I'd be upfront and admit you've cocked up but not on purpose and then make excellent plans!

Jlynhope · 27/09/2018 17:18

I love this thread. OP you sound lovely and I'm glad you are going to try and make it up to her. You sil sounds lovely too and I can see why she felt hurt.

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/09/2018 17:21

To be fair it's not just a money issue is it, I mean you got her to book her own venue even, you could have made that call. You actually couldn't even have been arsed to do that to show an interest. I would feel shit if I were her too. But it's clear your not a cow at the same time so just chat to her and on the day be full of enthusiasm

MadameButterface · 27/09/2018 17:24

I love this thread

me too

once in a blue moon, the stars align and an op comes on who is being a bit u, doesn't mind being told they are, and the responses are actually kind and helpful and everything gets sorted out

I'd buy a lottery ticket if I were you op

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 27/09/2018 17:29

How are you getting to the lunch? Is there the opportunity to make a fuss about picking her up in some way, eg decorated car, blindfold, special hat, champers on the bus?

I love that quote from an old diary, I forget whose, via India Knight, that says 'My birthday today. Insufficient fuss made.' It's all about sufficient fuss!

theculture · 27/09/2018 17:30

Anyway it sounds like DB and DSIL have got each other's backs, DB and you have a good enough relationship that he can be honest, and you and DSIL are close enough to sort it out

Sounds like a nice bunch of people!

Smile
Chickychoccyegg · 27/09/2018 17:32

I don't think it should have been left to the hen to book and chase money, no wonder she feels shit, no one's made any effort, I'd be trying to get some nice surprises organised to make it special x

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