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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
HolyFuckNuggets · 28/09/2018 19:28

anrol.....a cheeky fucker

KC225 · 28/09/2018 19:29

I went on a hen night for a girl I worked with but we were not super close. It was back in the day when a good hen was a meal out, a few wine bars and a cheesy disco on a payday, so there was a fair few of us. Bridesmaid arranged for a whip round before hand and got a lovely silver bangle, engraved with her name and hen night and the date. She also arranged a little handmade book with blank pages. All the girls had a page to write an anecdote about the bride to be. Like I said I didn't know her very well and I wrote about how we were both stuck in a lift at work with a heavily pregnant woman and how we were frightened we would have to help the woman give birth. Best friend wrote about practicing kissing on the backs of their hands and stuffing wonder bras. It was very funny. SIL to be wrote two very funny limmericks. Bride to be cried when she read it. It was lovely. Back pages were cheesy wedding/wedding night jokes.

Catrina1234 · 28/09/2018 19:43

Sorry buy what is a cf?

Rainbunny · 28/09/2018 20:22

Well the custom usually is for the bride-to-be not to have to pay anything on her hen do so it does look a bit odd to me that no one thought to arrange for her cost to be covered.

masterchef98 · 28/09/2018 20:37

Sounds like you have it sorted now. Reassure here and organise something to make sure she feels special rather than hassling people. The photo book is a lovely idea, just get a few (reliable) heads together to arrange some special touches.

Twinmombambi · 28/09/2018 21:35

Get others to pay up and get her a lovely present with the money...

It's only fair you all make it her day and all about her.

BusyEmz · 28/09/2018 22:15

It is a bit silly to be honest 🙈 it’s not her Birthday so it doesn’t count. Why she even comparing her wedding to birthdays?🤨

If she decided to organise it herself what did she expect?🤦🏽‍♀️ Where is her maid of honour, chief bridesmaid, her friends?

I see where she is coming from but she needs to relax. Someone take over planning an let her feel the love.

MurielTheSheepDog · 29/09/2018 03:00

Just popping in for an update. Hope you both had a lovely night and feel better about everything xx

Klmn · 29/09/2018 10:39

I’m new to this site, and clearly being a bit dim!! Can someone tell me what the acronym CF stands for...? In the drop down acronym menu it says it stands for cystic fibrosis which makes no sense in this case...

Many thanks in advance 😀

fanomoninon · 29/09/2018 10:42

@Klmn @Catrina1234
CF is a very mumsnet abbreiviation and is short for Cheeky Fucker!

InertPotato · 29/09/2018 10:42

Great that you've made a plan to steady the course, it's certainly not too late to make a fuss over her.

PurpleMac · 29/09/2018 11:45

I'd play dumb and say something along the lines of "oh hold on, when you said there's 10 of us I didn't realise you counted yourself in that? You obviously shouldn't be paying for yourself, it's your hen do!". And get every one to chip in the extra.

Klmn · 29/09/2018 14:36

@fanomonion
Many thanks, I had a feeling it might be something similar!!

onegiftedgal · 29/09/2018 15:50

A least she has a hen do to worry about. Nobody even organised one for me.

NotANotMan · 29/09/2018 15:59

It's not the paying for it but it's the fact that you handed the admin to her as well as the responsibility to pay upfront and chase people for money. That's the very least that a bridesmaid should be doing! You handed her the stressful and boring jobs to do.

Aridane · 29/09/2018 17:58

onegodyed - the hen had to book it herself, OP having pushed it back onto hen to book...

Ttcfirsttime · 29/09/2018 21:20

Any updates op? X

MurielTheSheepDog · 30/09/2018 02:02

@wadewilson how did you get on? Did you smooth things out?

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/09/2018 02:48

One wee question...

OP - you say that SIL hasn't had a significant birthday in the time she's been seeing your brother, so the family has never covered her costs on a dinner out for her.

However it very much sounds like you do this for each other for every birthday, regardless of whether it's a significant one or not.

So, has she been paying for (your) family members' birthday dinners for 5 years, and never once been sprung for in return.....?

I really hope not!!

Kisskiss · 30/09/2018 02:53

Hope the hen do went well.. I can see why she was upset poor thing.
Wouldn’t like having to book/organise my own hen , pre pay for it then have to chase people for ticket money.. she’s right when she says it’s not worth the effort!

Original poster
Wadewilson · 30/09/2018 10:56

Hi everyone

We had a takeaway and wine Friday night, had a really good night and had a very long chat.
Hen do was yesterday, she had a lovely day. We got her a bottle of fizz, and I managed to arrange to upgrade the meal despite the short notice. After the show we took her out into the town centre and we all had some cocktails. It was too short notice for yesterday, but all the family have agreed to make a memory book of sorts, we are doing it today and going to have it delivered this week so we can give it to her at the wedding.

I think everything is ok, she looked like she was having fun and said she enjoyed herself.

OP posts:
expatia · 30/09/2018 11:01

That sounds lovely OP, glad you have managed to sort it out. Enjoy the wedding!

GabsAlot · 30/09/2018 11:04

my dsis paid for her own hen night cost it was around 100 she didnt think she shouldnt pay

MrsPworkingmummy · 30/09/2018 11:17

If the wedding is only a week or two away, then you all need to bare in mind how you made her feel and go out of your way to make her feel appreciated, loved and part of the family. From the sounds of it, your brother has been brought up around lots of strong, dominant women with set family routines in place. Your SIL has accepted her position within this hierarchy, but has clearly felt really hurt when you've had the chance to do something for her and messed it up. I don't understand why you didn't book the theatre and passed it back to her. You obviously were meant to organise it, haven't told us that and then didn't make it a priority so she was left to do it herself.

Mookie81 · 30/09/2018 17:10

You still haven't answered why you asked her to do the booking and collect payment.
Why did you do that?