Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 28/09/2018 16:09

You really shouldn't need MN to tell you that the whole family has rather fucked this up. Getting her to book it, making her chase for payment and then being surprised when she's hurt? Making it worse by suggesting SIL2B might be a CF? Wow.

Give your head a wobble, properly - not because MN told you to - get your family to properly apologise and make it up to her because its the right thing to do. If she's quiet then do something she's going to like - don't just fall back on the easy option of sashes and crap like that.

combatbarbie · 28/09/2018 16:13

I'd be miffed if I was arranging my own hen do When there is 9 others going!! A very MASSIVE oversight OP, you asked her to book the tickets and pay for everyone and left her to do all the chasing to get her money back....bad form!!

expatia · 28/09/2018 16:19

I have to say I agree with others saying some fizz and a few cocktails is not enough to make up for this! I think you and your mum and sister all owe her a big apology to be honest. You were supposed to be organizing this and you asked her to do it and collect the money - the poor thing! You say she's lovely and always helps everyone out, and then she's left having to chase the money when she is probably not flush right now paying for her wedding, and busy and stressed about it too. It is good that you are realizing now but you have taken too long too, it should have been obvious that this was all awful and really disappointing for her, and as others have pointed out instead you spent time thinking she was the cf in this situation.

Not trying to have a go but I really feel for the girl reading this - I'd have been gutted if my hens had done this - and think she deserves you all making a bit more of an effort than you are suggesting now, and for the sake of future family harmony as well. Good luck!

KnotsInMay · 28/09/2018 16:24

OP, It's great you have realised how she is feeling and why.

never mind fuss with tairas and fizz and extra cocktails etc (though those are nice) or trying to muckle up £3's- just tell her you are sorry.

Explicitly say that as it all unfolded you just didn't think. And of course you love her and of course it should have been done just like birthdays and you are sorry she was left feeling not part of the tradition.

Then move on.

An acknowledgement and an apology is all she will want,

PawneeParksDept · 28/09/2018 16:29

Certainly when I was a bridesmaid all the hen weekend guests split the cost of the Hens fee without even questioning it

You seem embarrassed and you seem to like your SIL2B

I'd take her to one side and offer her a brew and smooth it over.

The fact that it's £30 makes it even less CF

the hens aren't being asked to find £££ just a few pounds each

Count yourself lucky, being a bridesmaid cost me a fortune !

PawneeParksDept · 28/09/2018 16:31

Oh I've missed the boat here, but yes great thread, good advice all round

Merrz · 28/09/2018 16:31

Aww i really feel for her, i doubt it's really about the money, it must feel rubbish having to organise your own henny and then having to chase people for money like it's just an inconvenience to everyone. No wonder she's not looking forward to it Sad
I would try to organise a few surprises for her, a girl should feel very special and loved on her henny.

EvaHarknessRose · 28/09/2018 16:36

Maybe a card referencing ‘welcoming you into the family’?

marns · 28/09/2018 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lillyringlet · 28/09/2018 16:49

Have you thought about contacting the theatre and asking if they can accommodate a surprise back stage visit and you all chip in for any costs... You might be surprised and you could turn it into a really special moment for her!

EggSurprise · 28/09/2018 16:57

I don't think she can pin the blame on you and a family birthday tradition when none of her friends or family have suggested paying or organising, unless you are maid of honour...

I think this, too -- a hen do isn't something thrown by the family the bride is marrying into, it's usually her female friendship circle, and organised by her bridesmaids. I get that the OP is attending the hen with some other family members, but unless she's the chief bridesmaid, I don't see how she's at fault for not doing 'family rules'. In my experience, the other hens do pay for the bride to be, but arranging that is down to whoever organises the hen, again, usually a bridesmaid, who should make that clear to everyone attending.

Perhaps it all comes down to the fact that the SIL to be was effectively organising her own...?

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 28/09/2018 17:02

Don't worry you're not a cow and your SIL2b isn't a cf either. Just a bit of damage control needed really! If you are already part of a hen whatsapp group, sneak the rest of the hens numbers off there and message them directly along the lines of...we should really cover B2Bs costs. If you don't feel comfortable sneaking the numbers, and feel it may be too late to cover the costs, you and any other family hens could buy her a welcome to the family present?

LydiaLunch7 · 28/09/2018 17:04

I don't actually think she'd accept the money if we offered to pay her back her share now, i think she'd feel a bit of an after thought.

I imagine she would think that, yes (because it kind of is!)

I would just be honest with her like you have on here. Apologise, explain why/how it happened, etc.

Jux · 28/09/2018 17:34

Get together with the others and get her a massive, really massive present which you present to her after the show, or maybe at the beginning of lunch? Anyway, something she really, really wants.

chillpizza · 28/09/2018 17:47

I don’t see why people are blaming the op. She’s a future sister in law, surely the bride to be’s family/friends should of been organising the hen do and the ones recommending people cover the brides costs? The bride to be should be pissed at her own family and friends no her future in laws.

robindeer · 28/09/2018 17:54

Love the idea of a whip round to get her a pressie. Do something to make her feel special OP. My hen do was a shitshow and I remember feeling pretty sad at the time. Don't be too hard on yourself, you've got the opportunity to make it right Flowers

TheFantasticFixit · 28/09/2018 17:55

Oh I was your SIL and I can’t tell you how sad it made it me. In hindsight I should have spoken up but it’s one of those times when you just hope that people will want to do stuff for you, rally around you and organise things so you don’t have to; basically be made to feel a bit special. It gave me things to reflect on to be honest, I had to have a good think about why that hadn’t happened for me (as in what my role was in that) but it doesn’t stop the sadness. The great thing is that you want to make it better now you know and so I hope that you all have a wonderful time spoiling her and making her feel loved because it’s too big a milestone to look back on and not be affected by it, if i’m honest. You sound lovely and concerned though - but i’d give your mum and sis a good kick up the arse! Have a great time.

BatShitBrenda · 28/09/2018 18:03

As a quiet person myself, keep it classy when making a fuss of her.

Sash, tiara, anything sex related (inflatable willies, condoms tied to a mock veil, stripper etc), lots of pink shit, would be my worst nightmare. Just treat her to drinks and food somewhere nice. Maybe a nice gift that you've all chipped in for.

But don't embarrass her with naff tat!

LuluJakey1 · 28/09/2018 18:04

Why don't you get her a big bunch of flowers and a bottle of her favourite perfume with matching body stuff for her wedding day? It all sounds a bit crap for her so far.

Snowymountainsalways · 28/09/2018 18:05

The surprise idea is a good one. I would also wire over the extra for her ticket or put it in an envelope with a little note saying sorry you overlooked it.
Go to see a show sounds a little dull and hard to feel excited about, could you ask her what else she would like to do to make it really memorable?

LuluJakey1 · 28/09/2018 18:07

And I am with BatshitBrenda, I am quite quiet and would hate to have attention drawn to me in public or anything tacky. I had a meal out with a few friends, DH had a meal out with a few friend - on the same night- then we met up, had a couple of drinks and went home. Life wild on the edge in Newcastle.

HappyBumbleBee · 28/09/2018 18:19

I don't actually think she'd accept the money if we offered to pay her back her share now, i think she'd feel a bit of an after thought. We all paid about 3 weeks ago because it's next weekend, so a bit late to go oh here's an extra three quid without it being a very obvious after thought
I think if I were you, I'd have a word with the other attendees and suggest all putting in an amount of money each, to purchase a gift card for her as your collaborative gift.... Maybe a spa treatment or something so she can have a pamper before the big day, then when it's just the two of you say sorry that you were a bit too late sorting paying for her ticket etc but hopefully she knows it was never intentional and that you hope she really enjoys the gift etc xx

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 28/09/2018 18:32

I don't think she's being a CF. Who would take £30 off her on her own hen night? Tell her she's covered and then add lot of extra surprises for her on the night too. It's her pamper night!

anrolnotrom · 28/09/2018 19:16

Scouring the internet, can't find the answer...what is a cf?

Punstow61 · 28/09/2018 19:22

I’ve seen a couple of posts about how lovely this thread is, and it is! SIL to be was obviously feeling a bit sad about it and OP has realised her mistake, which wasn’t a bad mistake, just an overlook. And it’ll all be sorted ❤️ The world is a nice place after all!