Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit of a cow or is SIL2b a cf?

182 replies

Wadewilson · 27/09/2018 14:09

My brother is getting married soon, and I've always got on well with his fiancee. However recently she's been a bit quiet and a bit off so I asked db what was wrong.

She's a bit upset that nobody has offered to pay for her for her hen do.
It's not expensive, we're only going to a theatre show so I (or any of the rest of us tbh) didn't even consider offering to pay towards her. If we did all pay for her share it would only actually cost us an extra £3 each, so I feel half embarrassed at not offering and half annoyed that she would expect us to because it will hardly break the bank for her to pay £30 herself.
So I asked db why she thought we would offer, and it's because whenever we go out for a meal for an important family birthday we always pay for the person who's birthday it is so they don't have to pay for themselves. Sil2b has been to a meal for my 30th and my younger sisters 21st, and the bill has been split between everyone so the person who's birthday it is didn't pay. This is a long standing thing in our family.
Db said because of this and us not offering to pay for the hen do she now thinks we don't see her as part of the family. I was a bit Hmm because she's very definitely part of the family and I see her as a sister not sil.
So I now feel a bit awful for not offering. Wibu to not suggest the hens pay for the b2b or is she a cf for thinking we would?

OP posts:
fc301 · 27/09/2018 17:50

Hmm. Paying for the hen is the NEW norm. Therefore all modern hens are CFs IMO!
HTH!!

newjobbb · 27/09/2018 17:53

I don't think it's normal to pay for the hen! I ended up having to pay for people for my hen.....cheeky fuckers!

Dieu · 27/09/2018 17:56

YABU, and I can see where she is coming from. It was a lack of thought on your part though, and definitely nothing malicious. So I think you can just move on from it quite easily.

theymademejoin · 27/09/2018 18:48

@Wadewilson - I'm thinking some balloons, a sash, tiara and fizz.

The fizz sounds fine but maybe check with your db about the rest. You said she's quiet and given that's she's having a low key hen, there's a fair chance she's not the sash and tiara type.

Personally, I can think of little worse than being handed a sash and tiara and expected to wear them. Mind you, I'm old so there was none of that sort of carry on in my day😉

cricketmum84 · 27/09/2018 19:03

@TakeAChanseyOnMe surprise entertainment... teehee Blush

waterrat · 27/09/2018 19:07

ah poor woman - she organised her own special night spent all the money upfront and people had to be chased (which is really naff and embarrassing for her to have to do) . You should all apologise.

MrsStrowman · 27/09/2018 19:11

I think paying for the bride is usually a bit CF in terms of expectations, however as it's your family tradition to chip in and cover the person celebrating I can see how she'd feel like she's not being classed as one of the family. It's not expensive so she's not being cheeky, it sounds like it would be more symbolic. Give her a hug , make sure the hen party cover her dinner and drinks for the evening instead. I think it was just an oversight on your part nothing major. Hope you get it sorted.

LaGruffaloGrumble · 27/09/2018 19:29

At my hen do my friends gave me a little box of gifts - a small Yankee candle in the Wedding Day scent (I burned it on the day, not sure it smelled very weddingy though ;)) a jokey book of advice for wives written in the 1920s, a blue garter to wear under my dress, some of my favourite chocolates, some nice pampering bath stuff, a miniature of Baileys, a personalised frame with ‘Gruffalo’s Hen Day’ and the date (and then they made us pose outside the venue for a photo) and then a big card they’d all written stuff in. The theory was it was mostly stuff for the night before the wedding, with a few other bits and bobs.

Could you pull together something like that at short notice?

Troongirl · 27/09/2018 19:32

Could you buy her a bottle of champagne maybe? And do anwee 5 minute speech about gaining a sister and not a sister in law? It seems she just wants to be part of the family and needs a wee bit extra love. I've never been to a hen do where the bride laid. X

Mummymummums · 27/09/2018 19:32

My SIL offered to organise my hen do. It wasn't until less than two weeks to the date that I realised she hadn't. No explanation, just a surprised "oh did you want me to organise it?" from her (yes because you definitely asked to arrange it). We had previously talked about a day spa (not an expensive one) but it was all too late and I ended up making all the calls and booking a restaurant myself - I felt really crap.
I felt better on the day when the hens turned up with tat for me to wear (it showed some thought had gone in) and I was hugely touched when they paid for my meal.
Just add some little extras - you could even all chip in for a treatment voucher for nails or something that offsets the £30.
I think she's been a bit let down but it wasn't intentional. I think her chief bridesmaid should've organised it, if she had one.

Onthebrink87 · 27/09/2018 19:48

I thibk this is just a misunderstanding rather than anyone being unreasonable. If she's planning on taking your db's name maybe a token gift including the family name even if it's a card to the soon to be Mrs bloggs- you've always been like family and am excited for you to officially become my new sister! May sound silly but it may well mean a great deal to her x

BeautifulPossibilities · 27/09/2018 19:51

Yeh time to organise something else

  • lunch before or dinner after
  • take her to the salon and get her spoiled before hand - nails done or a blow dry or something
  • sleepover at yours after - film/nails/pizza
  • hen do games

There is time to save this!!

MortyVicar · 27/09/2018 20:41

Wadewilson what's the show? If it's a relatively small production, and the show is fairly light, there is a good chance the theatre company would agree to the star of the show, as a surprise, presenting your SiL with champagne and/or flowers at the start of Act 2. Especially as you're going to a matinee performance, where things tend to be a little more easy going (although not if it's Macbeth!!).

Obviously it may not be her style. It may be something that would make her cringe.But if there was just a short speech (two lines) saying how pleased the family are that she's joining it and that you love her very much - it could also do wonders.

Lookingforadvice123 · 27/09/2018 20:48

Your update sounds like a good idea OP, hope she enjoys. Please update us all after!

ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 20:55

Er, she didn't sort the night out herself did she?

You were supposed to do it and you asked her to phone and book it herself.

So not only has she been expected to pay for her hen night, she was asked to arrange it as well.

No wonder she is feeling shit about the whole thing.
YABU (and for more than just the money thing) and you've been a crap hen.
Are you a bridesmaid? Because that's even worse.

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2018 21:36

And have a serious word with your Mum and sister too. Really the worst part for me is you got her to pay, book and chase the others for money. Poor effort

Mookie81 · 27/09/2018 21:48

Am I the only one not thinking 'aah bless' about the OP and more 'what arseholes her family and her are'?! Hmm
Just because she didn't think about her SIL's feelings doesn't mean she hasn't behaved badly.
She still hasn't explained why the hell she asked her to book her own hen instead of picking up the phone herself.
And was she aware her massive CF mum and sister hadn't paid? She should have been the one to worry about that not the hen.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2018 21:57

No you're not the only one. Because if it was an oh bless sitatuon, the op would immediately have thought " oh shit". Instead she came on here and asked if her future sister in law was a cheeky fucker,

She had her book it herself, didn't offer to pay for her, knew she was paid for at her own, was fully aware her sister and mother were being chased several times to pay, and did nothing except ask us if her sister in law was a cheeky fucker,

Then played rhe wide eyed innocent and said " oh gosh, I just didn't think" silly little me, eh?

Yeah, she knew.

ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 22:03

You're definitely not the only one.

There's nothing "ah bless" about it. And if I were the SIL a few "chocolate willies" is patronising and not enough to make up for being an absolutelt shit friend and hen.

I mean, who asks the bride to call up and arrange her own hen do??

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 27/09/2018 22:47

I'm glad you've worked it out and are putting plans in place to make it right, op.

However.... I really don't get the whole "Well you clearly don't think of her as family" sentiment on this thread. You can like, even love, people who've married your family members, but surely you don't ever feel the same way about them as you do about the people you're actually related to? Like them or hate them, the people you're related to by blood and have known all your life occupy a different space in your head to people you met when you were (probably) an adult. Well they do for me anyway, and I say that as someone who gets on with her step-MIL far better than she did with her own DM.

I think it must take some time to mentally slot someone into a 'family' position, and OP didn't do that because, well, DB's fiancee isn't her family. The right thing to do now is to treat her like she is, of course, and one day it might not require any additional mental effort. But right now it probably does, and I don't think that's particularly odd at all.

Hope you're at her place making peace now OP.

Aridane · 28/09/2018 15:47

Poor woman. You passed off the booking / organising of the do to her, your family didn't pay their own share and she had to chase, she subs your family's meals and has lent you money - no wonder she is a bit down and doesn't feel particularly cherished. She must wonder about the family she is marrying into.

However, you seem emotionally intelligent and contrite and wanting to put things right - so good luck

missbattenburg · 28/09/2018 15:50

fwiw, OP, I think the most effective thing you could do to make this right is tell her outright you fucked up. Say it with meaning, say you are sorry for making her feel a bit shit and tell her she means a lot to you and you see her just as much as part of the family as if she were your blood sister (as you described in your OP).

Heartfelt apologies can go a very long way to healing many wounds.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2018 15:54

Ahhhh... bless her.
Yes, the people going on the hen do usually cover the bride's costs.
I know we all are tomorrow.
I'm certainly not expecting my friend to pay anything.
You can sort this now you know.
Have a nice evening with her later!

Bekstar · 28/09/2018 15:59

Maybe have a whip round for a present for her to make her feel special, like some flowers or champagne, spoil her rather than offer to pay now she has paid. Instead go out of your way and make a fuss of her.

Movablefeast · 28/09/2018 16:04

missbattenburg sums it up perfectly. A genuine apology and then take any organization of the event that she still has to do away from her. Change your attitude as a family and show her you do really care for her as your brother’s about to be wife. She is hurt but this situation can be rescued, just a few small thoughtful surprises (especially caring notes) would go a very long way to help her feel welcomed into your family.