DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Write it in your birth plan, in bold letters , that you only want dh to be in the labour ward. The midwifes will respect this.
Also don’t tell them when you go into labour .
Good luck

Gather OP isn't coming back then?

Your NCT course may help. They may cover topics such as the importance of skin to skin for at least an hour after birth, (helps regulate baby’s body temp and blood sugars), time for baby to feed particularly if breastfeeding. They will likely have time for questions so you can ask about visitors after the birth, I’d guess they would recommend giving the parents a couple of hours and that’s assuming that the birth has no complications. If needs be slip the NCT tutor a message before the course starts to say that you are having trouble getting your partner to understand why you don’t want the pressure of his relatives in the hospital.
Good luck!

Op can you not tell mil yourself to wait at home?

If he insists on having her there tell your husband to wait in the waiting area with mil and keep her company during the labour, the birth, and the few hours you need to yourself with your newborn....tell him it's you and the baby..or mil...he can't have it both ways

You are not being unreasonable, if you wouldn't show your vagina to mil in everyday life why would he feel it's ok to have her come in moments after the baby is out while they are cleaning/stitching you up...if you want YOUR mother then, then have her there...it's you who is delivering the baby, it's about what you need and who you need with you to support you

Absolutely no fricking way. They should not be at the hospital at all until you invite them to visit. Yes it is your husband's baby too, but you are the one going through the birth and while it can be exhilarating, it is also primal, painful and in some cases traumatic. You choose to have the person or people who will best support you. And if his mum doesn't understand that you might want a few hours after birth, then you have bigger problems ahead of you. Put your foot down now.

Going slightly against the grain here but I do think if you don't want his mum there for the reasons you mention, then you shouldn't really have yours there either. I get it is completely different in a lot of ways of course and she'd be there for you, not just as the grandma but your argument is that you want some alone time just the 3 of you but your mum is hardly going to leave just as the baby comes into the world is she?
Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY get not wanting MIL and GIL to be there, that is totally weird and very intrusive but people forget that the dad is just as likely to want to share the experience with his mum as you are with yours. I guess it is different if you really really need your mum there and don't think you'd cope without her but I just think people are so quick to say it's all about the woman whilst forgetting it's the blokes baby too and he may not want his MIL there for the birth.
I do find it odd that people have mums there, I have a wonderful relationship with mine, see and speak with her all the time and share everything with her. But the birth of mine and my husband's children were a moment for us, the start of our own family. If you can't get enough support and reassurance during the hard times from your partner, not sure why you'd want a family with them.
But that's a bit off the point and you are def not bu to not want a flipping audience.
Good luck

I do think if you don't want his mum there for the reasons you mention, then you shouldn't really have yours there either

Rubbish. My mum is my mum, not just one of the grandparents. If I am in labour I want MY mum. Not anyone else's mum.

It's not about the dad's experience either. All he did was have sex. The mum has carried the baby for 9 months, had all the discomfort and restrictions etc that brings and has to give up work for a while. Dad just goes walzing into the sunset until he has to change a nappy. Therefore it's not about the dad or his family.

It's about the OP and what she wants.

He can go and have a drink with his family afterwards. Get real, it's not about who the spectators are.

We'll we'll have to agree to disagree. My husband isn't just someone who had sex with me, he is my partner and has every bit as much a say in anything to do with his children, and his experiences with them as I do. Becoming a father was just as huge a thing for him as becoming a mother was for me and if he had wanted time just me, him and the baby then personally I think he has a right to that too. He doesn't have more of a right, and if he had wanted his mother there I would absolutely have said no, but the same goes for me. I did say, if you read my post, that it's different if you really need your mum there but the OP hadn't even considered it before the midwife mentioned it. And if you commit to a person, and there is love trust and respect there, I just cannot get my head around why you would need anyone else with you. But that's a personal thing as I said before, when anything goes wrong in my life, when I'm upset or scared or in pain, the person I want with me is my husband and if it wasn't, I wouldn't be with him, but that's just me, we obviously disagree

Oh and unless my husband is unique which I doubt very much as he has flaws like anyone, his involvement in the pregnancy wasn't just sex, it was comforting me when I was worried I was losing the baby, cooking for the whole family when I'd been home but feeling too rough, rubbing my back when it hurt, doing extra hours at work so we could afford for me to take the full year off which I desperately wanted to, taking the older 2 out so I could nap, doing the shopping for me when it was my turn because I had hip problems etc etc. We expect men to step up and do all these things for us but heaven forbid his wishes should be considered too. I get that the woman goes through labour, I've done it 3 times, and of course she is the patience and im totally on the op's side here, but to completely rubbish a man's involvement and wishes is crap imo.

*patient

I have 3 kids my mum was there for all 3 and so was my hubby. Baby was born mum shouted it's a boy and just disappeared, she didn't hold baby till next day. Next day when she visited I asked her where she disappeared to. Her response to me was, her job was done and it was my time for her to leave and give me some space with my baby n hubby. Baby number 2 and 3 she did exactly the same. I never in a million years want my MIL there. Didn't actually tell her till the next day. Going through labour is different for each individual, if you want you don't even have to need, but if you want mum there have her there.
However I am so happy that I did do it in such a manner, cos the shit she tries with the other daughter in laws she don't do with me. So it's not just about this event, if you don't make your stance clear and stick to it. As long as you and hubby are together your going to be kicking yourself.

Saying that if the OP's mother is there, so should her MIL be, during labour and immediately post-natally, really does make the labouring and post-partum mother disappear - except for as the delivery mechanism of the grandchild - because it reveals that (in this attitude to things) it's all about the baby. The time to have 'fair turns' around the grandchild is not when the mother is going through a tiring, difficult, painful often undignified and sometimes dangerous medical process and in its immediate aftermath (when she also has dealing with bf and getting to know her baby to deal with). At this time, the OP's mother will be there for her, and the fact that she will also get to see the baby first is a side issue. The very best thing a new mother's MIL and GMIL could do for her at this time - and what will give them the greatest chance of a close relationship with the baby in the long term - is to accept this.

It's not about wanting her mum there to 'see the baby first' though, it's the realisation that she'd like her mum there to support her through labour. It really isn't the same for the father, he doesn't need his mum there for labour support as he's not giving birth!

At this point I would tell him it’s just your Mum, not him on the list as birth partners as grudging support (especially from the man who is supposed to love you the most, whose child you are having) doesn’t count. Your birth partners need to be there for you. He can earn his way back onto the list.

Might help him grow up a bit.

Parentin, your mum sounds lovely and in that instance it's great. I didn't mean to come across as though you shouldn't have your mum there it's just it's so far away from what I wanted it seems odd to me but we are all different and it sounds as though your mum was respectful to both of you. I just hate all the attitude on here sometimes that a man should put up and shut up and his feelings don't count. Not the people saying he shouldn't have his mum there (that really would have been help for me and I have a lovely mil) but just that his involvement and right to an opinion ended with sex.
Anelderlylady- I agree with you on that point, the best thing for a good chance of a close relationship is for the grandparents to put the family before their wishes. Wasn't even an issue for me thank goodness, there was no arguments over who got there first. The op's MIL sounds awful pushing this

*hell not help!

Husband needs a reality check. My first labour was two days, if they are five minutes away and his grandma is elderly then she would be far comfier waiting at home.

They might not be in the room there with you but you still know that they are there!

Don’t see why you need a female birthing partner I did it With my husband, no one else.

Good luck and stick to your guns. Xx

he can have them there when he gives birth. So as that's never gonna happen then he should be respecting your wishes in this regard. TBH if my husband was like that and my mum could come I would have told him that I would rather have my mum instead of him during birth. You want some one who supports your during labour not enforce his decisions on you during labour.

Has the op returned to update?

Don't agree to it. My mil came the next day but I was trying to get breastfeeding established and was so uncomfortable it was unbelievable. I just didn't want anyone around me.

I'd be yelling DH that as things need to be absolutely fair between the grannies, that DM and DMIL will be birth partners and he can sit in the waiting area with DGMIL.

Well frazzled it’s not really equal, the same or similar is it? Because he’s not pushing a baby out of his genitalia.
And when a woman is in labour her needs wants and wishes should come first.