DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Don't do it!

I gave birth to my first a week ago and whilst it was fairly quick, I went from 3cm to her being born in 6 hours, I was in no state for visitors for hours afterwards, I was weak, dizzy and shaky. Midwives said it was a kind of shock. I couldnt hold my baby without help yet alone face visitors. My mum came but noone else.

He doesn’t really get much of a say. It sucks for him but it’s true. You have had to grow the tiny human and you have to give birth so until that baby arrives his vote is strictly limited to life altering decisions regarding the baby.

It’s simple.

Would you be comfortable with your mother in the room? If the answer is no. Then don’t have her in with you.

Are you comfortable with your husband in the room? If the answer is no then he too doesn’t have to be there whilst obviously most parents do absolutely want to have both of them there.

Are you comfortable with people waiting outside? No. So they shouldn’t be there either.

You can tell the nurses/midwives etc that you want absolutely no visitors save your husband for X number of hours no matter what your husband tells them or who he tries to let in.

I had my mother for my first labour because she was the only one who believed me that I was literally about to give birth. Everyone else said it was too fast and I wasn’t in enough pain (I know lucky me fast labour and very little pain until the very end) husband stood against the wall looking white a sheet my mum was brilliant. For my second labour husband waited outside until the actual crowning was happening so that he could still watch his child born but missed a chunk of the labour bit. My mum was in there with me the whole time. If my mum couldn’t be there I had arranged that my sister in law would be. My in laws are my family but that didn’t mean I wanted a queue of people waiting outside it meant I was asking one female person that I trusted to be there to support me if my mum wasn’t available. For me it just felt more natural to have a female who had given birth with me than my husband. Not a common belief nowadays and it’s not a religious one or anything I just felt more comfortable that way because my husband really was just clueless.

At the end of the day it’s your labour. You make the choice. And when giving birth at a hospital people often forget that the mother is also a patient! You have had a emotional and physical trauma to your body and require recovery not stress. Best of luck OP!

Hi OP
With my first my partner was also banging on about having his mum, his man and the godparents in the waiting room - most hospitals do not allow this and only let you have your birth partners anyway - especially at night time (and I doubt they'd want to be there all night anyway). I refused this also saying I wanted time and eventually he did agree - then my mum and dad rushed to the ward half hour after my baby was born (after face timing me 5 mins after while I was being stitched). I'd say also stick to your guns, this is a stressful time and you don't need the pressure of people wanting to snatch your baby within minutes of birth! Just tell him you don't want anything affecting your precious bonding time and stick to it!

I had my OH and my mum with me 4 times. Fortunately MIL wasn't interested. Didn't see DS2 until he was 6mths old. Your body, your choice. My OH didn't want my mum in there but was grateful she was.

I really hate it when these MIL want to be where they not wanted. Both have had labour experience, where is their understanding.
You are absolutely right, No need for them to be waiting ridiculous notion. As for you husband his concern should be you, why would he want to put this strain on you. Personally I would not call to let them know when your going in, but rather inform them a day after the baby is born (I actually did this). Don't make anyone force you to change your mind.

It's madness. You're not being unreasonable at all. All that's going to happen is that they'll just get really bored after a few hours of waiting around. If the baby is born outside of visiting hours they could end up waiting over night. I'm due soon and having no one but my partner at the hospital before, during or after. People can visit me when we come home. If parents arrive early they can wait at our house (we only live 5 mins away). End of discussion.

He needs to give his head a good wobble OP, them waiting in the hospital, is a ludicrous idea. You do not need this added pressure, I strongly suggest you share the weight with your midwife.

Nooooooo, just nooooooo.

Part of being a parent is realising that you have to meet your child's needs before your parents' desires because that child is dependent on you. And also that your own parents will have to accept you doing things differently from them.

Your DH would be doing you and your baby a favour if he faces up to this now and tells his mum that she will one of the baby's first visitors as soon as you are all ready for them. Given people often go home within hours I don't know why family even count on having time for the hospital visit anyway.

If she genuinely wants to help and support you both, would she be happy to help in other ways? Preparing a hot meal for when you get back, washing through babygros, rushing out and buying a huge box of nappies, preparing clean bedding for your return etc. - that kind of practical help that only a close relative could be asked to provide.

You are right to say just you and him. Unless you feel you need your Mum as well. After a baby is born it is a very precious time that does not come again. Tell him if they come the staff will just send them away. It is very selfish of them to mussel in on something that is just not for them. I happened to be visiting in the hospital when my first granddaughter was on the way and did pop in for a few moments to say hi. But there is no way l would have intruded if l was not there anyway and if she was not still in early labour. It is his job to protect you from wider family.

No YANBU!!

FFS what is wrong with people! Sorry but your DH is being a pain, but then again maybe he doesn’t know any better (boy is he in for a shock)!! You are going to be a bit messy from the waist down and won’t be jumping up to get a quick shower, that is not the time to be seeing anyone but your own mum and your partner!!! if you’re planning on breast feeding you will need to be having constant skin to skin with either you or your partner - tbf you should be doing this anyway. And you’ll probably be sat there with your boobs out trying to get to grips the feeding - trust me it is not as easy as people make out and you do not want an audience. It’s important you try and get established immediately after you are able to so no real time for visitors. If you’re planning on bottle feeding and have already discussed this you might want to think about feeding/expressing your colostrum if so the above still applies and you can use this as an excuse.

I had an elective c section and my mum and dad were waiting, I had just said my mum but mum dragged my dad, i was really poorly as I had a heamorage and apart from the initial skin to skin in theatre I hadn’t held my baby when we got to HDUy mum and dad were waiting and came in the room whilst the nurses were hooking me up to all the various IV lines. My mum asked me if she could hold him and I said no let me have another hold first I’ve barely held him, somehow 5 minutes later she was holding when I still hadn’t. Then I was really struggling to feed him and they were still there abd I felt under so much pressure with an audience. I’m still upset about it.

That said I think if you’re having a vaginal delivery from speaking to the girls on my NCT course it’s definitely helpful to have another person especially if the labour ends up being protracted. You’re mum’ll Be there in a helper capacity then and you defs wouldn’t have what I had where they were in visitor/baby viewing mode!!!

Is it too late to do NCT or some form of ante natal class then you’re partner knows the realities?

Devils advocate here.

Is this baby the first grandchild? Why is ok for grandma of baby's mum but not grandma of baby's dad? I was fortunate that whilst I wasn't present for the birth of either of my granddaughters, I was the first to have nanny cuddles, it was important to my son as are close and fortunately mum understood this. Takes 2 to make and bring up a baby.

This is all about you (and baby once it's born) and not at all about him. He needs to get that immediately. Who you want there is all that counts. Dh is there purely to support you and if necessary be your advocate. He's not there to be supported by anyone else as he is the suppor5.

There's no question about fairness between grandparents. You are the patient and you want your Mum (if you do) not your MIL.

Exmouthlady I suspect that you are using the 'devil's advocate' line in the hope we won't spot that it's actually what you think.

I also suspect you may be the DP's mum.

Think two birthing partners is a good idea. If it's a long labour your DH will need to leave the room occasionally, for food, a comfort break or whatever and it can be scary for some women the first labour, left with nobody they feel safe with.

That the other birthing partner should be female is pretty much a given I would have thought as in most cases we wouldn't want our male friends and relatives to witness our nether regions on full show. If you would feel comfortable with your mum then have her, if not, choose another family member or friend. It may be for some that their MIL might be first choice but the decision is yours, not your DH's.

Exmouth, My MIL was there unexpectedly as she had planned to leave before delivery started and it was okay because I really like her. But we both felt a little uncomfortable we her seeing the midwife trying to physically restrain my baby from exiting my vagina by inserting her hand in there. We get on well but have no history of physical intimacy in the way a parent would. You don't know what is going to happen.

I also suspect that the pp who thinks the midwife spotted he was an unsupporive dick may have hit the nail on the head.

Tell him NO, in no uncertain terms. My MIL had my eldest whilst I had my second, DH told her the baby was born and she turned up 10mins later. This at 9:30pm at night with my 3yr old in tow! I was only just climbing out of the birth pool!! She kept want to be there this time and I told her there was a very small number of people I wanted to see my vagina and she didn’t count amongst them. She said “well I saw it last time” and I said that was exactly my point, I didn’t want her to see it then and she wasn’t seeing it again!!

I told DH he wasn’t even allowed to call her for a couple of hours after this time, he wouldn’t have had time at any rate, I had my first contraction at 1:45pm last Monday, Waters broke at 3:09pm and the baby was out by 3:30pm!! midwife very nearly didn’t get to my house on time 😂

MIL still managed to moan that DH didn’t tell her when I was in labour. He was a bit busy trying to fill the birth pool in time FGS.

Seriously, put your foot down. I still get rage thinking about her turning up when I had my second and that was 7yrs ago now.

Why is ok for grandma of baby's mum but not grandma of baby's dad?

Because the person in the vulnerable position, probably in a state of undress etc etc is the baby's mum. This is about what makes the MUM feel comfortable, not how anyone else (including the baby's Dad) feels. If she is stressed (either by having someone she is not comfortable with in the delivery room or because she knows there are people waiting outside for her to 'perform') the delivery will take longer and is likely to be more difficult.

Exmouthlady, are you my MIL 😉 She likes to tell my grandchildren she was the first to have nanny cuddles and that’s why we can never move away as it would upset her too much. Got to love a bit of emotional blackmail of a 9yr old 😬

Exmouthlady, of course it's important for grandparents to bond with their dcg, but surely you can understand that the bond between mother and child comes first?! And I don't mean your bond between you and your son!

And it's not a competition between grandparents! Maybe you had a breeze of a birth experience and handed your baby over within minutes to your in laws, but many of us aren't that luckily and need those precious first hours without any visitors.

Op is fully entitled to not want anyone but the baby's father and her own mum at the birth or on the scene straight after.

I honestly don't get why some grandparents these days make it all about them.

Absolutely stick to your guns, op!

Yanbu. Bloody hell, he’ll be selling tickets next. I do hope this is not a taste of things to come.

My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born

Of course you can. They won't know when the baby is born unless you tell them. If they want to sit in the cafe all night just leave them to it. You don't need to let anyone in but you can't really stop them being at the hospital. Just tell your dh that you don't want to know if they are there.

YANBU. Although my mum wasn’t with me when I had my first, I wanted my parents to visit straight after the birth. My DH also rang his parents who also showed up. We were still in delivery room after a 36 hour traumatic forceps delivery and the last thing I wanted was my in laws there. Nothing wrong with them, but we weren’t close and it just felt awkward. You don’t really need two birthing partners unless it’s what you really want. You get to decide, not him, so stick to your guns.

With DC1 my PIL didn't even know I was having the baby as we'd gone in for a scan (which they knew) but it turned into an emergency. They were phoned 2.5 hours after baby was born and we knew he'd live.

They visited every day except one when I'd had a terrible night and couldn't face anyone. Dh rang straight way and there was no issue
except FIL who had trouble understanding why

With dc2 and 3 they were baby sitting.