DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Why would you having your mum there make it difficult for him with his mum?
Why would you ask him how HE felt about your mum being there while YOU give birth?
Is he giving birth? Nope so its really not his call is it !
You are the one doing this and you need to have whatever makes it easier for you not other people !

Honestly you have every right to ask for no-one to visit the first day or however long until you feel able to cope with visitors . I suggest you give hubby a wake up call about how colossally selfish he is sounding !

Id also like to say OP you should definitely consider asking the midwife to not let anyone in - I told my partner I didn't want anyone to visit til we were home but he went behind my back and invited his whole family - 5 hours after giving birth my hospital bed was flooded with his mother and his three teenaged siblings and my baby was v promptly snatched out of her cot and passed round. He had also invited his cousin and a couple of his friends (who luckily obviously felt for me and chose not to come) I remember sitting on my chair desperate to go to the toilet as I was bleeding so much but embarrassed to get out a huge sanitary towel in front of them all 😂😂 so I would definitely tell your husband/partner about your feelings and make sure you're on the same level and if he still won't reason then tell your midwife no visitors. At the end of the day this is one of the most important and special days of your life and you don't want it ruined by something silly like this. Best of luck x

Having two birthing partners is a good idea, simply because that means that they can take turns to go to the loo or get a snack while making sure you always have someone familiar with you - labours can go on for a really long time. But the key thing is that those partners are the ones the woman giving birth wants to have with her.
(I had my mum and my best friend. DS' dad, though now a wonderful dad and co-parent, was not my favourite person when I was PG, and I refused to have him at the birth.)

It’s up to you who you want there, not your husbands and certainly not his mothers, ban him from room and just have your mum there for his unreasonable request.

catastic
You think OP’s husband is playing some kind of prank? Yeah nah hmm

I find it a more plausible explanation than a MIL and and GMIL wanting to wait in a hospital when the live 5 minutes away. Look at all the replies on this thread every single person (I think🤔) thinks it’s a completely ridiculous idea.

Its you who will be in labour & giving birth. It should be as private as YOU want it to be. Its also extremely exhausting. It is about you & what you want, no-one else. You choose what & who you are comfy with & try not to be bullied. Good luck! It is wonderful too!

Is he always so much of a dick OP?

after the birth he'll be chomping at the bit to let them come and see the baby when I won't have had any time myself to recover etc.

That's why you need to tell the staff/midwife that you don't want them let in, under ANY circumstances. He has no say in this - he's not the patient; he's there on your invitation only and that can be withdrawn if necessary.

I do hope NCT opens his eyes a bit and he backs the fuck down. He doesn't sounds like he's going to make a very good birthing partner, so having your mum there sounds like a good idea. Unless his attitude improves significantly I'd be tempted to JUST have your mum and leave your annoying DH to stew with his family.

^This

And have your mum there because your DH sounds like he has such unrealistic expectations he might well faint in the delivery room.

The two birthing partners is just incase one is unavalable when the time comes. YANBU OP labour with my 1st was 17 hours ans she was born 5:01am who would want MIL & GMIL waiting until those silly hours!! If you want your mum there then thats up to you!! (Some do some don’t I didn’t) Also unless the birth is over V Quickly you aren’t going to be in the mood for visitors until hours later. AND as you say they do only live 5 mins away! Let you DH call them with the fantastic news and then tell them you will see them at visiting time. Enjoy the precious first minutes / hours with your child / husband & anyone YOU want!! Good luck for your pending new arrival

What the fuck is the whole 'first nanny cuddles' bullshit about anyway? Do they actually think a minutes/hours old baby is going to remember who cuddled it first or think it actually means anything? Do they think it makes them more special to cuddle a newborn five minutes before the other grandmother? Are these women completely mental?

No way. They wait and come when YOU and baby are ready!
Natural labour is unpredictable and could be even a medical emergency etc . You need to be as comfortable and relaxed as possible.
Sounds like a controlling or insensitive DH... how about he will get vasectomy (even if it is nowhere near as unpredictable as labour is) and you want your dad and your granddad sot outside the theatre and as soon as “its done” they will run in to him, make photos and so on? 👍🏻👍🏻😂😂
Stand your ground and speak to his mother yourself. Otherwise it seems to be some third party broken messenger- maybe they dont even want to sit outside for hours and happy to come as soon as you are well and recovered?
Suggest to your DH’s to channel his anxiety and excitement in a different way...

And YOU have a right to have YOUR mum there to comfort and support YOU. It is YOU who will have a labour not anybody else. So everybody should think about YOUR and baby’s comfort . The rest of family really comes miles after that...

Get it on your birth plan no visitors other than the names birthing partners. If your dh persists tell him you won’t even have him there as he clearly can not support you and advocate you wishes over something simple so he won’t be of any use in the room if something hopefully not but does go wrong.

you realise it is so they can be right there to swoop in and hold the baby first, maybe even before you get to!
you need to remind him that he has no horse in this race, that it actually is all about you and you hold all the cards, you have all the rights and he has none so even if he doesnt agree to your requests it is totally irrelevant because cause nothing at all is up to him... nothing... you can even request that he be kept out.... he needs to be told this.... its all me me me in this instance

Is this baby the first grandchild? Why is ok for grandma of baby's mum but not grandma of baby's dad?

Because the most important thing is the comfort of the woman who's about to give birth, and making sure that she feels relaxed as possible. My mother gave birth to me, she spent years seeing me naked, cleaning up all manner of bodily fluids, etc. I don't have that history with my mother-in-law - I adore her, but my relationship is naturally a bit more detached than the one I share with my mother.

I'd have been mortified if my MIL had seen me projectile vomiting, uncontrollably shitting and crawling around on all fours whilst I was naked.

(Just to clarify, that was during my labour in the birthing pool, not just after a night out).

OP show your husband this thread.

I had a failed homebirth, ambulance transfer in, emergency section and major haemorrhage. I nearly died, I was shocked, bewildered ad really unwell. My husband let my in laws in too early and it took years for me to properly forgive him tbh.

Halfway through C section while having my DD, MIL walked through the doors of the theatre to find out what was going on as she hadn’t heard from us😲

@mouseman

Eh.... that seems like a massive failure of the hospital. No one should be able to walk in on a surgery, no matter what it is. Omg!! Is she now buried under the patio by any chance?

It's not unusual for the hospital to ask you to have 2 birth partners, is it? The second one is there to allow your main birth partner to nip out to get something to eat, or whatever, if labour goes on for ages. Or if the first one came down with flu and couldn't be there.

OP, talk this through with your midwife - they'll be able to make DH see sense, or at least to ban MIL and GMIL from being there if he won't listen.

At this point I would tell him it’s just your Mum, not him on the list as birth partners as grudging support (especially from the man who is supposed to love you the most, whose child you are having) doesn’t count. Your birth partners need to be there for you. He can earn his way back onto the list.

Reminds me of my MIL who turned up at hospital minutes after I gave birth “just to drop a card off”. We sent message back through midwife that I wasn’t up for visitors but she hung around for hours and then somehow got onto the ward I eventually got moved to. I was

She later told DP she was worried as I “looked a bit pasty.”

I think that the labour itself is not the problem here - your husband’s attitude to you is. As you say, if your wishes are not the priority now, when will they be? He’s either controlled by his mother or hasn’t quite cottoned on that as a married man, he’s husband to his wife first and mummy’s boy second. He needs a serious talking to because otherwise things will get completely out of hand after the baby is born. You’ll have your MIL bossing you both around because ‘it’s HER grandchild’. Happened to me briefly - it’s not an experience I’d wish on anyone.

To me, it’s shocking that anybody - especially your husband, who should be your strongest support - could have the cheek to bully you into accepting something you don’t want when you’re at your most vulnerable. It borders on emotional blackmail.

Absolutely say no to them being there. It’s about you, the baby and your husband if he wants to be truly supportive - not about extended family.

Good luck OP for your labour and your future relationship with your husband and in-laws.

You are not being unreasonable!! I can't imagine not having my mum there for mine and I find it strange that people are asking why you need her there but I don't understand why MIL wants to wait in the waiting room? Tell them all to f off and then blame it on pregnancy hormones when you want to repair the relationship after the baby is born

Bless you, that’s an awful situation to be in, your hubby needs to realise that this really isn’t fair on you. You will be tired, uncomfortable and tearful all you want and NEED is your husband and your baby.its a completely different thing having your mum as a birthing partner because hopefully she will know when to stand back and give you some space, the last thing anyone needs after giving birth is a family get together. I hope he sees your point and tells his mum and grandma no. Good luck

Honestly, my ds was born with just me and my do and what seemedblike a million drs nurses and midwifes in room (I had some complications)
So when my dd was born it was just me. My dp snd ds came to Hosp and waited around, walked here and there to tire my ds out, fell asleep and they were allowed to stay in delivery suite with me but he woke up so dh took him out (it was late at night and couldn't get hold of anyone to look after ds) when I'd given birth, a nurse went and got my oh and ds so they met dd when she was seconds old. Best exoerience s with no one there but loved ones! We never mentioned to family I was in labour either and told them I'd given birth when everything had calmed down