DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Stick to your guns.
Since when did hospitals become a free for all?
Tell him that there is every chance you might be exhausted afterwards and might have been cut/tore and not up for visitors immediately afterwards.
What if you need anaesthetic ?
It is a major event and I think your dh is being very selfish.

Have him read the lemon clot essay. (You can google it online.)

Then let him know that next time he has a colonoscopy you're going to insist that YOUR mother and grandmother be in the waiting room.

Not unreasonable at all. It's not his choice, just tell him his mum can visit during visiting hours after you've been stitched and washed off the blood and been taken to the ward. This has always taken at least 3 hours in my births so plenty of time to call his mummy if thats his priority. I don't think they'd let visitors into the delivery room anyway.
If you want your mum there, tell him she will be there. But I think any relatives there will make you feel under pressure,which you don't need. Your partner is being totally unreasonable. Make him watch more One Born Every Minutes to get more of an idea of what may happen.

I don't know if I want my mum there or not- but it shouldn't be of case of making it "fair" on the mums, if she were there it would be to support me and help me during labour.

Is the 2 birthing partners a new thing? I think just DH is plenty.

I can't understand why anyone would want to go to the hospital uninvited and hang around waiting for news.

Visitors in good time, when you feel up to it.

Tell him if he doesn't respect your wishes he won't be there either, you'll just have your Mum.

Neither the labour ward nor the birth centre at my hospital have waiting rooms (I've had baby's in both). Thay certainly eliminates the whole waiting room issue though!!

It's your labour and your decision entirely. It wouldn't have occurred to DH to force anything on me that would make me more stressed than I already was. It's totally your show to run, make that very clear.

tell him if he can't go along with your wishes, he won't be welcome at the birth either and you can just have your mum there.
your the one in labour, so your rules, dont be bullied into anything you don't want, get the hospital to tell them they need to leave if they just turn up.

Its irrelevant how long the labour will be or how close or far they live from you. Your request for a few hours space trumps all other requests and your partner is unreasonable to push for anything else.

I would say absolutely not to this. It’s ridiculous for them to be sat outside. They can get a phone call when the baby is born they don’t need to know you’re in labour.
Re your mum you should have whoever you like supporting you. Your DH is ridiculous to suggest it needs to be fair; it’s you pregnant and you have to give birth, not him..it’s not about competitive grandma-ing its about you and what you need to feel safe, supported able to focus on the task of delivering the baby. He needs to grow up if he can’t put your needs before his mother’s in this situation.

Also, if your labour is long, which it might well be, you will be EXHAUSTED afterwards. My first DC was born at 5.30am, and after all the post-birth stuff and being cleaned up and BFing him I was finally taken to my own room (this was in another, civilised country ), and all I wanted to do was sleep. The very last thing I'd have wanted was visitors. I looked like crap, I felt like crap and I was utterly drained. It was bad enough that my ILs arrived that evening - tbh I'd have rather had no visitors for the first 24 hours!

would they even be allowed to wait on the actual labour ward? at the hospital where i had my children only the 2 birthing partners were let on
to the labour ward. there was strictly nobody else allowed until i had been moved upstairs to the maternity ward.

Our local hospital policy is no one is allowed to wait in the hospital while someone gives birth. It’s for visiting relatives only once a baby has been born and they were very strict on this.

Might be worth finding out what your hospitals policy is!

Tell him that when it’s his turn to squeeze a watermelon out of his body over several hours he can choose to have his mum and grandma waiting outside. But this is your birth and you want your mother there. YANBU!!!

No, he doesn't get to choose - you do!

Where I gave birth there was nowhere for people to wait. You were allowed two birthing partners (max) and that was it.

I went in to hospital in the early hours of a Monday morning and had an emergency c-section late Wednesday night. Hopefully you won't have a similar experience, but if you do they're going to have a hell of a long wait!

I can't even believe that MIL and GMIL would think that this was even an option- your responses have really helped thank you. I knew I felt strongly about this for a reason. He is saying we can do what I want but it doesn't mean he has to agree with it-

I already told MIL months ago I didn't want visitors waiting and explained my reasons.

@JensenElephant you had your brother and FIL at your labours?! Do you mind me asking why??

Ps your DH is being a selfish arse.

My MIL "popped" in when I was in labour with DC1 (she worked at the hospital) and although I adore her, she did get asked to leave by me

Its not a spectator sport.

The only advantage to having my MIL present was that the birth went horribly wrong and it wasn't clear everyone would make it, that led to some very stressful hours for DH and I was glad he wasn't alone for that time. I was knocked out and then off my head so he could have brought in a marching band and I wouldn't have noticed.
However your DH should be listening to you.

I don't think they'd care about no waiting room they'd just sit in the hospital cafe if they could.

Check with the hospital, the three I've delivered in and the one I worked in all had policies of no loitering in the delivery suite/assessment suite waiting room as it was for patients/birth partners only and no visitors allowed on the delivery suite. If your hospital says this is their policy too then problem solved, they won't be allowed to sit in the waiting room or come visit you on the delivery suite and if they try then the staff will chase them off. And as an FYI you can tell staff on the postnatal ward that you're "very tired and sore" and don't want any visitors other than DH that first evening, before they buzz people onto the ward they usually ask who they're there to see and if it's someone who doesn't want visitors then they don't let them on.

If hospital do allow people to hang around the waiting room and go visiting in the delivery suite, it's time to put your foot down with DH and tell him no. It's your delivery and your choice who is there.

No - he’s been watching too much television, where anxious relatives sit about in the waiting room, trotting off to get coffee every now and then.

You don't even have to have him there if you don't want to! Tell him that!

Yes, it's like American sitcoms where they all rush to the hospital.

I didn't tell anyone i was in labour (except DH obviously) it was way easier.