DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Apart from anything else, usually the ones who are queuing up to be part of birth / baby being born are the ones who are around just long enough for cute baby pics and then they feck off.

The ones who are respectful, and nice, and ask when you want visitors, are also the ones who bring food, clean, and are still visiting at the toddler stage and saying ‘oh don’t worry it happens to us all’ when your toddler is having a screeching tantrum about you cutting the apple wrong.

I say ‘the ones’ because I find this rule applies just as well to friends as to family. On the whole, people who are so selfish as to trample all over a birthing women’s boundaries are not people who actually gave a shit about the tiny baby once it’s covered in poo and not looking so cute anymore.

YANBU OP. I think it’s a bit weird tbh. I only had my DH with me and I think my DM was a little miffed she was okay as ultimately it’s our choice.

I’ve not read the whole thread, but if you want your Mum as your birthing partner, then that’s your choice. It has nothing to do with MIL! Personally I was just happy it being DP and I through labour

You should do what's best for you, if you want your mum there that's understandable . My concern would be hubby not understanding your needs and maybe another good chat would help. If you don't want others waiting during the labour you can just tell staff that it's a no visitors policy allowed until you advise. They have to listen to the woman in labour and can stop visitors until you're ready so you don't have to deal with it. Labour and birth can be physically and emotionally exhausting so time to yourself after Is understandable and time to bond in those early moments. Those who want what is best for mum and baby will respect your wishes, those who are just interested in what they want won't. Don't give in you won't get those moments back. Maybe your hubby will understand once you've both been through it, I don't think they always really understand what's about to happen until it does. Good luck

Exmouthlady I suspect that you are using the 'devil's advocate' line in the hope we won't spot that it's actually what you think.

I also suspect you may be the DP's mum.

Lol nope, not at all.

Simply giving a different perspective is all. I never had in laws, they died before my son's came along. And before you ask, yes, I'd have had my mil there if I could have, my son's were her grandchildren too.

I must be alone in that worrying about mil seeing my lady bits was the least of my worrys.
But having lost my first son at just one hour old, I understand the importance of bonding for the wider family.

For goodness sake the mum gives delivery and is the one who needs to be supported. I can’t believe people are bringing up equality beteeen grandparents. I have 6 grandchildren and it has had no effect on my relationship with them that l was not there to hijack the moments after birth. If baby is wakethey need to have that time with their parents it is an important time for bonding. DH needs to read up on being a Dad before the birth because that has got to come before being a Son.

I had 2 birthing partners for all three of dc.
Actually, 3 with my first. My sister waited outside and went in to allow my dm or exP a break. Things got very chaotic during one such break and exP arrived back as we were in full labour. There were doctors and midwives busting around so no one noticed.
My poor sister was made to stand with her shoulders acting as footrests and a lovely view 🤦🏽‍♀️ My dm was at the other end looking after me (panting and vomiting simultaneously) My ex was as much use as a chocolate teapot.

My dm was fantastic again through my subsequent deliveries. My useless ex spent more time outside the building (and as smoking outside is prohibited) off the premises going for a cigarette. He also complained of boredom, tiredness and hunger. I got rid of him before dc3 turned one 😉

Depending on the time of day you go in to labour, the mil and gil might not even to get into the hospital. Our hospital doors are locked from 9pm, except for A&E, and you can’t access the rest of the hospital (or the cafe) through A&E.

I’m really surprised at the MW encouraging 2 birth partners!

Tel your mil she’s top of the list for babysitting when you go into labour with DC2

I didn’t want my mum there and def wouldn’t have wanted anyone else but DH. My labour was so long I even sent him home for a while as it’s all just too much. You don’t need any of them what are they going to do anyway?

Does anyone else have visions of cruella de ville arriving at the front door just as the puppies are born demanding to see them?!
What an awful idea to have them there! My first was a difficult birth with complications and I got to stay four days in the hospital with her and absolutely loved that time of almost protection from outside interference. I still think very fondly of that time. You need time to bond and get over the whole ordeal! I would say not to have any other visitors for the first 24 hours if poss after the birth of not longer!

Tell him it isn't up for discussion. My labour started on the Sunday night, I had my son on the Friday, you don't need the stress. My in laws came to the hospital the next lunchtime, stated I looked rough and said we needed time as a family, so would come to the house the following day.... even that was too soon for me.....stick to your guns...

If they're five mins away he can just ring when it's time for them to come?! Absolute stupidity. Does he realise you're having a baby and all that may involve?!

What is it with MiL's who want to be at the hospital! I have heard of this a few times lately. Have they forgotten what it is like to give birth?

Tell your husband no and that's that. If they do turn up that you will tell the staff to have them removed.

If it was me I would be telling the MiL myself no, and reminding her of when she gave birth. I know everyone is not like that. Your husband is in La La land

Yes I am a MiL. I have 3 adult sons and 1 adult daughter. I totally get it. I wouldn't dream of asking to be at the hospital.

Our eldest is the squeamish type so his MiL goes in for the last hour and he goes in the waiting room until all is done and cleaned up. That was what was arranged last time. It will happen with their second one due at Christmas too.

Ofcourse I am a little wistful and envious however I wouldn't dream of saying anything and it's how it should be.

Our daughter lives abroad and I don't know what will the case be if she has children.

I am fed up of hearing of these over entitled GP's on both sides. Then i am told I am unusual. The ex's MiL was a nightmare so I think that has made me all the more resolute to be seen as a non interferer and to check through them there rules etc. It's their baby. Not mine. I do help with our Grandson one day a week whilst DiL works. They are always saying to me "mom you don't have to check everything out with us" it seems I am too much the other way

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter has summed it up beautifully. If I'm going to be charitable towards your DH, I'd say he hasn't grasped what the whole thing will be like. He needs to get to grips VERY quickly with the fact that you and the baby are the only priorities here.

With DS1 there was blood up the walls, I shat myself, cried, threw up everywhere and then was so exhausted at the end I fell asleep naked and bleeding on the bed with DS on my chest. There was nothing wrong; it was just a messy though not especially unusual birth. It was some time before I felt able to see anyone except DH. Your DH needs to understand what it might be like for you.

I would stick to what you want.
The hospital I had DS in didn’t allow visitors until 2pm. I had DS just after 7am and those few hours were really valuable.
I was drugged up and to be honest when my mum and sister came in to see us at 2pm was still not really with it. You need time to take everything in and time to relax (as much as is possible when you’ve just given birth)
I was given advice by the midwife not to have my mum there. She said I was her baby and seeing me in distress might not be the best in the delivery room. In the end we decided just me and DH at the hospital and everyone else could come once little one had arrived.
Good luck with whatever you decide

@RumbleMum

Ah, the vommitting! I forgot about the vommitting...

What is it with all these mummies boys? Does your dh think his mummy will make everything better if things don't go according to plan? So useless .

I get the impression your husband just doesn’t understand what labour is like. Or the aftermath. It’s a horrific, bloody, shitty shock to the system. And even when it’s over, you can’t stand, you’re completely exhausted, terrified you’re baby isn’t feeding/breathing etc etc. My MIL visited the day after my daughter was born (we were in hospital for 6 days) and she threw a tantrum because my cousin decided to visit at the same time. She then proceeded to take loads of photos of herself holding my baby. Next time round, the only people I want seeing me and our baby in the first few days are my husband and sister. It’s just all too overwhelming otherwise and I’m a very sociable person. I hope I haven’t scared you. Some labours are a breeze. I hope your labour goes smoothly and that your husband comes to his senses. Good luck!

You are the one giving birth therefore if you want your Mum there then she should be. Both times when I was in labour I wanted my Mum there, even though she wasn't. Maybe you could compromise with your husband and have his Mum and gran be the first to visit at the hospital - but only when you are ready. There's no point in them hanging around if they live nearby anyway. You are totally fair to say you want some time with just you, husband and baby afterwards. It's a very emotional time

YANBU. There is no way I'd have anyone waiting in the hospital. Giving birth is a huge ordeal, even when it all goes to plan. It's your body, you're the one pushing a person out your vagina, you get the final say on who's present for the birth.

And for those asking the difference between DM and MIL, I think it's huge. DM is there for the woman giving birth (her daughter) MIL is there for the baby cuddles (all very lovely) and her son... generally and stereotypically speaking. I wouldn't want either there when giving birth but if I had to choose it'd be my DM every time because she knows me, I'm comfortable around her, she knows how to best support me and when to slink off and leave me be. MIL, as lovely as she is, just isn't the same.

And if my DH insisted on this shitty attitude I'd tell him to wait at home with his mother if her needs are so superior, while I gave birth with my DM present.

*Devils advocate here.

Is this baby the first grandchild? Why is ok for grandma of baby's mum but not grandma of baby's dad? I was fortunate that whilst I wasn't present for the birth of either of my granddaughters, I was the first to have nanny cuddles, it was important to my son as are close and fortunately mum understood this. Takes 2 to make and bring up a baby.*

What is with the ridiculous competitive grandparenting? It is ok for the mums mum because IT ISN'T ABOUT THE BABY, ITS ABOUT THE PERSON THAT HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH Your son is not that person and frankly you have years of 'nanny cuddles' to come.

You do not have any right to be front and centre on the day because IT ALSO ISN'T ABOUT YOU!

I think with the first child it’s easy for the new mum and dad to not realise how physical, bloody and brutal the whole process is. We knew my 2nd child would arrive with a very serious disorder needing transfer to a specialist hospital and possibly immediate surgery. I had to give birth 50 miles from the town I lived in to be near this hospital. I was induced, it took days and was gruelling. My MIL wanted to decamp with disabled step-FIL to this city for weeks so she could be near for the birth. She places a lot of demands on my DH and I really had to push for her to not do this - I knew she wouldn’t be pressuring us to get in, to need DH to do this and that for her and generally be a pain. So glad i did this, as the whole thing was tough enough without her needs having to be factored in.

When i had DS1 my SIL insisted she would wait in the waiting room, (too much american tv) DH knew the hosp were very strict and only allow partner and birthing partner in delivery room but still didnt correct her. Any other person can only attend during visiting hours. She insisted on coming as she wanted to see him first, no care if i wanted visitors so i had to tell her, no you can only come during visiting hours. Only DH and my birthing partner (SIS) were allowed in room. She werent too happy but i didnt care. After 15hrs labour, finally resulting in EMCS as DS was getting stressed, i just wanted to spend time with my newborn and DH.

Saying this, my DMIL told me when her D has children it will be different because its her daughter and she will connect more to the kids. I also know for a fact that if she was in the room, she would be all abt the baby but if my DM was in the room, my DM would make sure i was ok first and would look after me.

OP if you want your mum there, ask her. Your DH has no idea. DS1 DH and DSIS were there, DS2 just DH. And ill be honest, i desperately wanted my DM or DSIS with me. He was useless and wasnt even helpful

OMG - OP - at this rate you’ll end up with MIL and his grandma as your birthing partners....
H needs to get a grip. You need to find your inner-tigress, or life later on will be dictated by MIL et co...

Birth is your day. You plan it the way you need to. If you want mom there - she will get there.

And you get to decide when visitors come to see the baby.
And in any case - labour may be long - mine took over 24hrs from the time water broke. Having MIL/granny who live nearby sit in the hospital is silly.

And - your H’s attitude seems to predict a few issues going forward. He has his own family now - and needs to be on YOUR side, not trying to keep mommy happy. Especially not when ‘mommy’ is being unreasonable and over stepping boundaries.

YANBU OP, you’re the one giving birth, nobody has the right to impose on you like that. Your DH needs a reality check.
Two birthing partners? That’s a new one on me. I didn’t want anyone other than my DH and the maternity staff there. Your DH can call them when the baby arrives and they can come to the hospital when you have had time to compose yourself and have a bath. Anyone insisting on any other plan is a CF.