DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

No you are not being unreasonable at all. Labour and birth is a a memory you will never forget. Don’t let it be ruined by memories of having to keep your in laws at bay. You certainly should not have anyone there that you don’t want. Stand your ground, tell your husband you don’t want any visitors until the next day when YOU are ready. I didn’t let anyone know when I went into labour with my first child, and my husband just did the ringing around to let everyone know the news after. My mil at the time wasn’t happy, but there was no way I was having her there.

What is with the ridiculous competitive grandparenting? It is ok for the mums mum because IT ISN'T ABOUT THE BABY, ITS ABOUT THE PERSON THAT HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH angry Your son is not that person and frankly you have years of 'nanny cuddles' to come.

You do not have any right to be front and centre on the day because IT ALSO ISN'T ABOUT YOU!

Whoa, calm down, I gave an alternative perspective. They want to wait in a waiting room, not attend the birth.

Do they not have the right to be excited about the birth of their grandchild, great grandchild?

It also isn’t about you ? Really @Exmouthlady

Eh, it is about the woman who’s giving birth to a baby, it is about her, the baby is coming out of her body, so yep it’s about her.
Grand parents have every right to be excited but not infringe on the woman’s wishes. It’s called respecting her wishes.

Exmouthlady they have every right to be excited. they also need to show respect to the mother of their grandchild and abide by her wishes which are the only important ones here. If they have to wait 24 hours so be it. It would be an unnecessary pressure on both parents for them to be waiting outside wanting to enter a very intimate time between parents and their new offspring. they can wait at home which is 5 minutes away they are being unreasonable.

Aside from the fact that having people waiting outside a delivery room is just not fair, especially if you don't want them there, the hospital may operate visiting hours for all but birthing partners. I gave birth overnight and once I got to the ward at 5am DH was asked to leave until Partner visiting hours started (was all day, just not overnight) and other family had to wait til standard hospital visiting hours. Stick to your guns. You don't need the addirional stress now or then.x.

I haven’t read every single post here but I totally agree @Gardai

Weirdly I had this exact same worry so I made my feelings clear really early on, that I didn’t want anyone waiting at the hospital (waaaay too much pressure) and wed let people know when we were ready for visitors.
Depending on the birth this could be a couple of hours after the baby’s born or a couple of days! One friend didn’t have any visitors at the hospital and only saw people once they were home.

It’s a personal choice and on this occasion is most definitely what you want as the about to be mother and person who is going through the birth!

Personally i found having my mum in the room worse. She was faffing and flapping, she even told me that even though it was amazing, she'd never do it again.

Could you have a close friend? I was my best friends BP recently (shes close with her mum but didn't want her there as she would be flappy too 😂)

Is there even a waiting room? They might be stood in a corridor for hours and then sent home anyway as the hospital is often'locked down' at night.
Stuck to your guns OP. I had my then MIL on the phone constantly during my labour- not fun!

YA most definitely NBU.
I have nothing more to say because it has all been said already.

What you say goes! No discussion! No compromise!

Good luck with the birth and congratulations. 💐

I wanted my mum there. But I was induced and my mum and partner were sent away until anything was happening. It was all go when they were called and my mum came in mid-contraction. She then immediatly started moaning about the side door being only open to labouring woman so she had to walk from the other end of the hospital. This moan went on for ages, and I'm there contracting and panting. Even the midwife looked at me like "bloody he'll, selfish much.

So even when you think you want someone there and they will help, they sometimes just don't get the feel of the room before they open their mouths!

Maybe you had a breeze of a birth experience and handed your baby over within minutes to your in laws, but many of us aren't that luckily and need those precious first hours without any visitors.

No, I didn't, my first son died at just 1 hour old. I'd have given anything for his grandparents to have had a cuddle with him

At my local hospital the only people who are allowed in are the birth partners, even after the birth. If you are planning on going home 6hrs after the birth you wait on the labour ward so still no visitors are allowed, its only if you stay longer do you get moved to the maternity ward where visitors are allowed. When I was in the midwife said that the new mums loved it that way but the midwives then get loads of grief because everyone is chomping at the bit to see the baby to be told go away.

Do what you want to do but your DH is probably just excited and getting carried away not realising how you are going to be feeling after the birth.

Exmouthlady I am sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your first Son and that his grandparents were not able to have that cuddle. In this case if the baby did not survive for any reason the grandparents are 5 minutes away if the parents decide they want them there.

My MIL tried to do this. She rang to tell me she'd be waiting outside in the corridor during the birth, and not to worry about her as she'd 'bring a good book'. I made DH tell her this would not be happening. Couldn't bear the thought of it!

I think you need to explain to your husband that your labour is about YOU and not his mother’s feelings about her grandchild. I had my mum there along with my husband for my first and she was a huge support to me. Stick to your guns.

I hadn't really thought much about how my birth partners would feel till after I gave birth the first time. It all got really hairy for me and baby each time and they both (DH and my mum) found it really, really tough seeing it happening and not being able to help or know if baby or I would make it. I passed out after haemorrhaging with two of my labours so missed both the scariest 'emergency button pressed/room full of blood and people' bit, and the time my eldest needed crash team. My mum doesn't want to be in the room this time and I totally get why and have told her not to worry. It did help me having her first time because she knew stuff me and DH didn't, but this time I'll have been through more labours than she had so reckon we should manage :-)

I'm really hoping MIL will be near by (not in room perhaps but near as poss) so she's there for hubby if he needs her, and so she feels as much part of it as my mum does. Maybe having boys myself has made me think a bit about how it might feel to be the MIL one day. Maybe because my first MIL was not remotely interested and hasn't bothered seeing her grandkids for years it's nice to have a MIL who is interested this time. This MIL is totally different to my mum (really flappy and chatty and anxious, where my mum is quiet and not remotely anxious) but she's a nice person and kind and it's nice she's so excited about baby.

Our tricky bit this time is that we live about an hour away from hospital so DH wants us to head there as soon as labour is established so driving isn't a stress. His first wife nearly had a baby in a car so he's got a good reason to be paranoid. But my previous labours make me want to do the opposite. My third labour took THREE bloody days and I was in hospital for all of it because I had a bleed at the start so got called in. I hate hospitals! I truly wish I didn't have to go, everything about them makes me less relaxed, but because of all the retained placentas/haemorrhaging I get that I should be there at the end. We've agreed a compromise of going to a hotel next to hospital early. It took a while to figure out but felt good when we cracked it. Now I just need to get through the hotel check-in at reception on the day without them guessing I'm in labour....

It's all so tricky to balance and so personal, hope you find a way through that feels good.

I think you must be mistaken about a nurse recommending that you have two birth partners. Are you sure it was a ‘recommendation’ rather than a possibility?

Also the suggestion your MIL an GMIL want to wait in the hospital is a whole new level of ridiculousness. Are you ‘sure’ your husband isn’t playing a joke on you? Why would anyone want to wait in a hospital if they live 5 mins away. That’s too silly to be true. OP, what are the chances someone is on the wind up and you are falling for it?

Spud get DH to check in while you pace around the car park.

Then he can come back out for you and the bags.

We do it all the time when going to hotel with kids, DH checks in alone then we all traipse in, saves trying to entertain the kids.

You will be the one in labour. You get to choose

Why don’t you invite the rest of the family, your dentist, the milkman and the next door neighbour whilst you’re at it?

Make it very clear to your midwives at the hospital that they are not to allow anyone in to visit/anyone but your chosen birth partners into the room.

Tell your DH in no uncertain terms that you need him with you, not relating messages around the hospital. Also that you're having your mum there. Also that you will call his family once you are ready for visitors. Finally, to stop pressuring you, as you are the person having the baby and in this situation what comes first are your feelings, not his mother's!!!

@batshitbetty I totally agree it's not the birthing mothers place to 'understand' anything, it's her place to call all the shots. I'll say it time and again- birthing women are just wombs on a stick to some people, once they've don't their job of delivering the Messiah grandchild they're cast aside like the inconvenience they clearly are because nanny is desperate for cuddles and bollocks to what the Mum wants

Do they not have the right to be excited about the birth of their grandchild, great grandchild?

They can be excited all they want they don't have a right to dictate when they see the baby. OP can say "2 weeks before visitors" and it's tough shit because she just almost tore in two getting the baby here and she gets her way no matter how unreasonable overbearing weird relatives think it is.

Did they mean 2 birth partners there with you on the day or 2 birth partners just in case something happens to the first one so there's somebody else to step in?

With dc1, dh1 was seriously ill a few days before dc1 was born and was unable to be a proper birth partner (although luckily he was there when dc was born). My mother, sister and aunt all stepped up and took it in shifts to help me. As it turned out, I was really uncomfortable having mum and sis there, nothing really happened. Much better with aunt - who is actually my uncle's wife rather than a blood relative - who was a doctor in the hospital I gave birth in, although she was there as a relative rather than in her professional capacity.

When it was time for dc2 to be born (by then in a different hospital) I got a doula to help out and luckily I was able to ask mum to pick up dc1 from nursery and keep an eye on him, although she had volunteered to help. Loved having the doula there to help and to keep the stress off dh (who was still ill) but even if I hadn't needed anyone to pick up dc1, I wouldn't have had mum and/or sis to help.

And the thought of mil being there - that's even worse.

Definitely stick to your guns and say you don't want them there. Maybe tell your dh that they can be there on the condition that he sticks a large melon up his backside, while naked, and has to 'give birth' to it over the course of a couple of hours with no pain relief, while his IL (ie your parents) are sitting in the next room listening in, with people going in and out of the room every few minutes exposing everything to everybody regardless of whether or not he likes it...

Not very fair on your parents admittedly - but it's what he is asking you to do. And he obviously has to go first because you both know that your birth is happening regardless, it's him that wants them there, not you, so he needs to show that he understands... Hopefully the thought of this will be enough to make him realise what he is asking for and to get his parents to stay at home.

I would also tell him that you have put on your notes (and do so!) that you do not want anybody other than him and your mum as birth partners, and that you do not want anybody else waiting outside in the waiting room for you - the stress of knowing they are there will be really intimidating. It's bad enough that they are so close to the hospital. Regardless of what he wants, they will be asked to leave before they are let into the unit; he needs to impress on them how important this is to you and you do not want to discover that they have caused a scene while you were in labour.

Erm Townhall I realise that the joy of MN is that we can see different perspectives, but yours is just a little too out there I’m afraid.
You think OP’s husband is playing some kind of prank? Yeah nah .