DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

[moleymoleyOO]

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

Sounds like they've been watching too many Kourtney Kardashian gives birth episodes.

2 birthing partners is a great idea, especially for a long labour. When DW was in labour both MIL and I were there for the full 24 hrs in the delivery suite which meant that one of us could nod off here and there. The bits of rest made us more effective support for DW and it finally ended in a CS.

Is he always so much of a dick OP?

after the birth he'll be chomping at the bit to let them come and see the baby when I won't have had any time myself to recover etc.

That's why you need to tell the staff/midwife that you don't want them let in, under ANY circumstances. He has no say in this - he's not the patient; he's there on your invitation only and that can be withdrawn if necessary.

I do hope NCT opens his eyes a bit and he backs the fuck down. He doesn't sounds like he's going to make a very good birthing partner, so having your mum there sounds like a good idea. Unless his attitude improves significantly I'd be tempted to JUST have your mum and leave your annoying DH to stew with his family. Honestly!

Please show your husband this thread.

@bellinisurge I was thinking this

This is ridiculous. My first labour was 36 hours several complications which resulted in me needing 4 hours in resources and my baby whisked away for essential tests and monitoring. By the time we reached the ward all I wanted was calm to attempt feeding and sleep. My second took 12 hours, My health was better than with my first but my son again needed to be taken away for tests and monitoring. By the time we reached the card again all I wanted was to feed him bond and sleep. That time is yours, don't let anyone tell you how to spend it. If anyone had tried to visit during the first day after both my births I would have lost it. I had to stay in for 5 days after both births and thankfully there where strict visiting times.

If your dh can’t put you and your needs first at this crucial time then I do wonder what he’s like the rest of the time.

I’d tell your midwife not to admit any of them for at least 48 hours after the birth. You can change your mind if you’re feeling up to it. But at least give yourself some space.

Men dont realise that despite being told that they should be equal partners in this process of raising a child there are times when their families will be treated differently to their wife's family.

Your midwife sensed DH was a dick and wanted you to have someone supportive. It’s probably why she emphasized the need for a female birthing partner. Honestly, your DH is utterly selfish and living in fucking la-la land.

He gives no shits about how unbelievably difficult this can be and that this is about YOU. Not his mother or him or his grandmother. You’re the patient. Ban him and only bring your mum. It sounds like he’ll make your experience even more difficult.

Stick to your guns. You are giving birth. You decide but it might reassure you to know that they won't let people rush in straight after the birth anyway on the delivery suite. It can be a few hours before you are moved to a ward and they have visiting hours.

Found this elsewhere online:

"Tell your husband that before you'll allow his parents in the room to labor and delivery, he must stand naked and also produce a bowel movement in front of your parents. He must remain naked, spread-eagle for at least 12 hours. If he accepts this challenge, allow his parents into the labour ward.'

For those wishing sons on some of us who find excluding the MIL outrageous, I have a son and if I have a DIL some day I'll advise them to do exactly what we did - we told nobody until DS was several hours old and it was the best decision we made. That first few hours of being a family with just us are treasured memories. If hypothetical DIL wanted her mum in the delivery room then I'd fully understand and respect that.

If it was me, I wouldn't have my mum there either. She's wonderful and supportive but don't really need two birth partners. Your OH will be just fine on his own. That way you can say no to all parents / grandparents hanging around which takes the pressure off. Then just call them when you're ready for visitors.

Absolutely no way should they be there if you don’t want them there and it is 100% your call. The first few hours after baby is born are so important for bonding. You have no idea how you will be feeling physically, the last thing you will want are visitors. My hospital actually only allowed visitors 3pm-8pm (except the birth partner) and I was lucky and gave birth at 6am so had 9 glorious hours of alone time in our little bubble before visitors came, I wish it had been longer.

Also if you want your mum there, have her there, MIL and DH will just have to get over it, you are the one giving birth!

I personally wouldn’t like that.

I would say I’m happy to have visitors once I have been on the ward for at least half a day or been home for a whole day.

I'd go even further. I would lay down the law now because otherwise, they're going to be intruding on your family life not just right after the birth but constantly and forever.

Your husband’s first priority should be you, not his family. Why is he so spineless. It’s the most natural thing in the world for an expentent mum to only want her mum and husband , especially first time round. Put your foot firmly down. You could well do without additional stress.

I don't think you need to justify yourself (though your reasons are completely justified and understandable.) Like you said, if you can't put your own needs first then when can you? However much others are involved, ultimately it is you doing the work and you that has to decide what makes you most comfortable. Tell him no and that's your final answer. Also have your mum there if you want to. If his mum and grandma has a problem with it, it is them being unreasonable, not you x

Hell no no no!

I can't even understand why you'd need two birthing partners either! I was in labour for 76 hours with my first, nearly ended up with an emergency c-sec and then had to have a surgical repair after. I didn't want anybody there at all and if anybody had come near me after, I would have swung for them.

Second birth was reasonably quick but I had a friend turn up at the delivery suite wanting to come in and bring sandwices. Fuck off! She seemed put out that I didn't want her staring at me stark naked, on my knees trying to push a baby out. It's PRIVATE. Honestly, the gall of some people. I would insist that it is in your birth notes that visitors are NOT allowed in post birth so that you can have some time to recover. Your DH is in for a bit of a shock when he realises what the reality of giving birth is like. Please lay down the law with this, stamp on it right now. It's not OK!

Have to say I find this very very strange indeed. I often read on Mumsnet about families seemingly pushing in on private events and it seems so odd that they don't see that they are intruding .

And the 2 birth partners thing - no idea what that is about. I would have found that horrible

To be fair once in labour I didn't care who could of been waiting and or wanted to steal my baby for an after birth hug I was way to out of it after going through 24 hours lol 😂 everyone thinks it's going to be a fairy tale after birth and the dad mum and baby bond and hug and do all the things in the movies, not reality your tired moody and just want to sleep and the baby's dad can stay far away as its half his fault you had to go through that lol 😂

Yes this.
Tell your husband that before you'll allow his parents in the room to labor and delivery, he must stand naked and also produce a bowel movement in front of your parents. He must remain naked, spread-eagle for at least 12 hours. If he accepts this challenge, allow his parents into the labour ward.
A thousand times this.

Thanks MiggledyHiggins

How ridiculous 1 has to be female what utter tosh. I just had my DH there, he was plenty support and then we held of telling people until we were up on the maternity ward took a few hours between Labour suite and ward so we got plenty cuddles pics and just being us, oh and the tea and toast. I was allowed 2 partners but there weren’t any stipulations on the sex of them.
Good luck with your labour

Labour is all about hormones and endorphins, and you feeling comfortable and relaxed directly affects pain levels. I told my own mum to shut up and sit down when I was in labour because she's a bustler and I needed peace - and I wanted her there as well as DH. The midwife quietly asked me if I wanted her to get my mum out, too. She was ace (I didn't, I just wanted my mum to stop sorting bags out and trotting around when I was contracting in the final hour or so as it was unsettling me).

Nothing in labour is selfish if it makes it easier on the woman labouring. Everything in labour is selfish if it benefits someone other than mother and child, and makes it harder on the woman labouring.

And it's idiocy of immense scale to say it's hard on his mum if your mum is there. Tell him that his mum can be there when he goes through labour and birth: she is not your mother, and you want your own there (if you do, of course).

Have who you want there and plan for what you want in the immediate aftermath. Your baby's welfare depends on your own.

I did want my mum and my husband there, incidentally. It was really helpful as they played different roles. But others will feel differently. Really is about what suits each woman in the situation.

Tell your husband that before you'll allow his parents in the room to labor and delivery, he must stand naked and also produce a bowel movement in front of your parents. He must remain naked, spread-eagle for at least 12 hours. If he accepts this challenge, allow his parents into the labour ward.
A thousand times this.

Another vote in favour of this. Treating birth as a lovely family experience is nuts. It's a vulnerable time and the woman in labour has a right to dignity and comfort, whatever that means to her.

Would he like your dad to come and see him immediately after surgery? Let's say it was after some sort anal or prostate operation and he is all vulnerable in bed? Would he like to see his FIL immediately after some ordeal like that? He is not thinking of how vulnerable and stressful the situation is for you. My ILs visited a couple of days after I gave birth under traumatic circumstances and I felt vulnerable and exposed even then. They march in looking all fresh and welll rested and nicely dressed and just praise the baby without even asking the mum how she is. Totally different from your own mum who will also care about YOU. I say write DH a letter about how vulnerable you feel in this situation and how you need space and peace of mind to be able to invite them over when ready.