To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

I don't know. I hate things like this, you should never make a threat you dint intend to carry theough but it's easier said than done isnt it?

She has to have some consequence though so maybe postpone the oarty and have it next weekend if she comes home in time. Is that possible?

You need to follow through with what you threatened otherwise all it shows your DD is your calling her bluff and failing. At 13 she is testing you, no excuses, no labels to excuse her behaviour. Start as you mean to go on, cancel the party, explain she has only herself to blame.

I think it's tricky - ideally I'd say you shouldn't have made the threat but since you have I guess you have to follow through, unless you can say it's cancelled at present you can earn it back by doing X.

Is it really necessary for her to be grounded forever though? It seems a little as though you've made her a hostage and she has nothing to lose now. You need to give her the possibility of earning back her social life. At 13 not being allowed out at all sounds very dramatic - is she really so unsafe this isn't possible?

I think having her permanently grounded is a recipe for disaster tbh. If she had boundaries but was still allowed to be home a bit later on pre-agreed occasions I think you would find it easier to enforce.

Hard to say about the party - I would usually say follow through but on this occasion I think she was set up to fail. I might be inclined to let her have it on this occasion.

Pretty stupid to threaten that if you can't follow through. I wouldn't cancel the party but nor would I have threatened to.

Know how you feel OP, it so so tough to deal with both difficult behaviour and MH issues. Why not sit your DD down and go through it with her? Say that you realise why she did it and that that was very sensible (if it was) but that she does need to listen to you and get home when she agreed to. That you know her party is important and you want her to have a good time. She needs to be punished but on this occasion you will do something else (take her phone/iPad away? extra household chores? whatever is appropriate) and the party will go ahead. Think I may be a soft touch too but parties are important for nurturing friendships and cancelling it would be a bit of a public humiliation. If you can impose a different punishment that might be a way round it. Good luck

Don't cancel the party. You don't have to follow through with threats you've made. You can say "look, DD, I'm going to let you have your party because I love you but we do need to talk and sort things out"

Good luck.

These are the responses I expected. And I agree. I would say the same to anybody else. I have said the same to my daughter. I just feel very cruel, she was so excited about it. It’s the first time she’s had a good group of friends she can do things like this with. But as I said, it was her choice to come back late. Not mine.

Find a different, more related consequence. Can you pick her up from school every day/arrange a babysitter to pick her up and escort her home for a few days? It was a bad idea to cancel her party, she'll risk being the laughing stock of her social group.

I never use a birthday as a punishment. You should find another sanction.

The tighter you put them in a stranglehold as they try to grow up and find their place in the world the more they'll rebel. You've said she's pulled up her bootstraps at the beginning of the year, can she at least have a time frame for her grounding? What's the point of changing behaviour if the punishment is never ending?

Because when I threatened to, I fully thought I would carry it out without a second thought. I also didn’t think I would have to. But now I do, I realise it’s not so easy. There’s also nothing else I can “threaten” her with. I’ve run out of consequences...

You shouldn't make threats like this unless you are actually going to do it or you just open yourself up to bad behaviour as they know you don't follow through.
However I wouldn't cancel a birthday party.
I would just make sure in future you set reasonable threats you can follow through with. I don't agree with grounding with no foreseeable end as she hasn't got anything to work towards and will think "I might as well be late I'm grounded forever anyway"

I'd listen to her reasons for being late, get to the bottom of why she was late, make her wait a bit to hear your decision and then probably go ahead with the party....

I agree with Hurricane.

I would think it too harsh to cancel the party. It's good that she is looking forward to it. It sounds like she's continuing to struggle and she could get some flak from the disinvitees.

Can't time travel and not make a silly threat which is a shame.

Put an end date on the grounding now to be reviewed so she has something to aim for

If you understand her reasons for being late then maybe explain that she should still have let you know, that her party can go ahead FOR NOW but she can't have xyz she was expecting (maybe a new dress or certain party favours she was expecting) so there is some consequence but not a whole party cancelled but she can not be late again without letting you know at least or she'll lose out on....insert threat you'll actually carry out on.

Maybe even add an extra 15 mins to the time she's meant to come home so it's more manageable for her

What are the actual direct consequences? Why does it matter if she is late? I don't mean this snidey, I mean it genuinely. Consequences are only consequences if they're a direct result of the action otherwise we have to be honest and call it a punishment.

Get a copy of "Get out of my life but first can you take me and Alex into town"

Don't cancel the party.

Can't you ease up on her coming home time. 6pm doesn't seem that late

Of course you feel guilty. That’s normal. But this is not about what you feel. It’s about setting boundaries and sticking to rules so that you’re daughter doesn’t go further off the rails.

I honestly think that cancelling the party... or at least cancelling with the option of rebooking it for a later date if her behaviour improves... is the only way.

What was wrong with being at 6pm?
I'm not being snidey, I'm curious as to what this about?

Don't cancel her party. She will never forget that. It is too harsh. Find anothet punishment.

Put a time limit on her grounding. You are treating her like a lifer. They don't have an incentive to behave.

Talk to her. Sounds like the party is really important to her. In your shoes I couldn't take that away.

Also ... can you lay off with the threats. They never work and you're making a rod for your own back with running out of "punishments". Keep tightening that lease and you're done for

Cancelling her party just because she's late home from school is too harsh. You've forgotten what it's like to be 13.

@Imustbemad00 - could you tell her that, whilst you are cross with her for being late, you DO understand why it happened in this instance, so you won’t cancel the party, but you want her to come home at the agreed time or to ring you and explain if there is a problem.

And maybe get her to earn the party back with some chores - tidying her room, maybe?

Ok to answer a few questions. The reason she has to come straight home from school is because she was hanging round with the wrong people, going to rough areas without me knowing, lying ect. I just don’t trust her again yet.

The grounding for the foreseeable, i told her it would be at least until Xmas until I could begin to trust her again if I saw an improvement in her behaviour. In reality it may of been sooner.

I agree I should t of used the party as a threat but she doesn’t have a smartphone to take away, already isn’t allowed out. So basically Wjen she comes back late, I stop her watching her bedroom tv/going on laptop. But that doesn’t seem to have much effect.

I think I may go ahead with the party as I’d worry about the ramifications of not doing so. But I’m aware it’s going to make her think she can walk all over me so will have to come up with something.