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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel daughters party??

233 replies

Imustbemad00 · 25/09/2018 18:37

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 29/09/2018 20:46

Thank you again. She’s just turning 13. The party went ahead. I’m glad it did, her friends are lovely and they had a nice time.

Yes she’s in a strict academy. I’ve posted about it before but that’s a different story. I think it is having a negative effect but she doesn’t want to move schools.

I think the people saying I need to stop being so hard on here when she’s in late or questioning where she’s been, or that I should allow her to take an hour to get home if she’s walking with friends probably haven’t read all my posts. I absolutely can not trust her when it comes to this stuff. It’s for her own safety more than anything else. If I let her be she will be smoking cannabis, in a gang and will have dropped out of school within 2 years and I really believe that. She’s so close to going the wrong way.l and with the wrong people.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2018 21:43

Imustbemad00 glad the party went well.

"I absolutely can not trust her when it comes to this stuff. It’s for her own safety more than anything else. If I let her be she will be smoking cannabis, in a gang and will have dropped out of school within 2 years and I really believe that. She’s so close to going the wrong way.l and with the wrong people."

You've got to do what is right. You know the situation and we do not know it fully. But do concentrate on the carrots and making some fun, making fun things to do when she gets home. I really hope all will go well.

My dd has just been downstairs moaning after I did something for her and school, she is hard work and was getting upset about something outside my control. Parenting teens is so hard. I really do wish you all the best.

Croatia2018 · 29/09/2018 21:45

If she’s going to smoke cannabis she will smoke it regardless of if she has 5 minutes or 5 hours free time, if she wants to join a gang she will also do that regardless of how much free time your daughter has, not to sound harsh OP but if you don’t give her free time and independence to make her own choices whether good or bad she may grow up and resent you, I think it all falls down to what type of relationship you want to have with her for the foreseeable future, if you want her to come to you with concerns, worries or stupid things she may have done you will need to give her a bit of freedom and let her know you will be there whether good or bad guiding her

youarenotkiddingme · 29/09/2018 21:48

Glad party went well. And I'm glad she has some lovely friends.

It's true we don't know situation. I get she doesn't want to move schools but right now she isn't getting what she wants by staying either.

Rough decisions lay ahead but it sounds like you have your dd best interests at heart so I'm sure it'll work end in the wash. Thanks

eggncress · 29/09/2018 21:52

Glad she got her party. For my teenagers my most effective punishment was not allowing internet access or confiscation of gadgets.
Birthday too important to make it into a bad day for your dd.

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2018 21:55

Can I just say how interesting it is that we get interested in the lives of total strangers here! It is a strength of mumsnet, when it works well. Many of us (I think) also have teens and we are all trying to do it right! It is so tough. But I really think you did the right thing letting her have the party.

Good luck. Thanks

bpisok · 30/09/2018 01:41

OP you posted that party ,went ahead and that it went well - but that was before 9?!! What time did it finish?

dreaming174 · 30/09/2018 04:12

Your daughter sounds exactly like me when I was 13. My mum set curfews that were earlier than all of my friends, it was sometimes hard to meet the expectation to be home at 6pm. She threatened to cancel my 15th birthday and followed through. I never, ever forgot. It was ridiculously harsh.

Your daughter has explained why. She is being honest. Sometimes friendship dramas for teenage girls are huge. Give her a break!

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