To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

Ime the best way to end a friendship you aren't happy about is to invite them for tea!! Once they see your dc has rules and you are heavily involved in their wellbeing they won't hang around too long. Having them in your dc's home environment may also help your dd see them for what they are.
Worked for me several times with success.

Oh that sounds really difficult op; I can really see why you are so worried.

A huge positive is that her actual close friends are nice girls; I would really focus on supporting and encouraging those friendships with sleepovers, days out, regular after school stuff - even if you have to do all the chauffering at first. Could you encourage her to join some sort of after school activity club?

And although this sounds counter-intuitive in circs, would she respond to the prospect of getting a Smart phone on the grounds that she sticks to rules and answers it? I know it sounds very shallow, but she may not be answering if she is embarrassed about phone (ridiculous I know people but teens can be daft as a brush sometimes).

I would make privileges dependent on her answering the phone for now though.

Definitely get tracking device on phone! And turn up and pick her up if she's out v embarrassing

I would cancel the party but arrange something else smaller but still nice for her on the day.

She had a smart phone. Caused so much trouble. She’s honestly been happier without it. I’ve bought her an iPhone, she doesn’t know. Think it will probably be a Xmas present now.

Will definitely try to encourage the good friendships.

She understand our worries and the safety issues. There’s been involvement from lots of professionals on a low level so she definitely understands. She said she’s been trying really hard as she hated how upset and stressed and worried everyone was. I think that’s been the biggest thing for her. She tried changing for us rather than herself though.

I think I have been setting her up to fail a little bit though with not allowing her out at all. I’ll change that, little bit at a time, and hope for the best.

I think there needs to be more openness in conversation. Ask her why she thinks you are worried etc. See what you can learn from her rather than assuming. If you can get her to see your view from her own conclusions, she may be able to get you to see some of hers too and you can hopefully meet in the middle.

Its not easy is it? I do sympathise. But I think if you layer punishments upon punishments then you are digging yourself a deeper and deeper hole that neither of you can get out of. I completely disagree that having made a threat you have to carry it through, because it is a threat and threats don't work and can ruin relationships and what you want now is to build a relationship of co-operation from her. If a threat is not working for either of you, why do you have to stick to it come what may.
Also birthdays and punishments do not go together.
If it was homework, the way forward would be to cancel the past and set an achievable target that you both agree is fair and reasonable.
Not answering her phone is a real problem. She has to understand that it is making the whole situation worse. but what happens when she does answer her phone?

If you want to encourage the friendships with the girls you like, invite them round to your house a few times and make it a thing, or drop them all to the cinema and meet them later, their parents may do the same, then there is less incentive to hang out in the street with the other ones. But she has to earn these treats. Earn rather than have them taken away or threatened to be taken away.

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I haven't experienced this kind of thing from either side, but does she have any interests which would give her somewhere to go of an evening, such as cadets, scouts, guides, youth club? Something that would mean she wouldn't be stuck in the house but could get out, yet somewhere you'd know who she'd be with.

OP - i think she needs picked up from school. Not as a punishment but as a safety issue. Maybe she is at that strange stage of needing a bit of babying again. I know its a PITA but if you can get her back under your wing and find out what is really going on for her. Recruit some of her nice friends to take home for tea after school so home isn't so booooooring.

How a it cancelling but give an option of redemption - I’ve cancelled because I warned you; however if you do x y and z and stick at it I may change my mind and allow it to go ahead a week later, subject to redeeming features and keeping the bargain.

I personally wouldn’t cancel the party as it’s for her birthday, just the same as if you said to her I aren’t buying you a certain present for your birthday due to your behaviour. Could you organise things for your daughter to do after school with the girls you like at school? I would also stick with the basic mobile for now and give your daughter a goal to work towards like ‘if you inform me of where you are for a whole month you can have your smart phone back etc. I would imagine she is roaming the streets with the kids you don’t approve of because her everyday friends don’t go out and she’s bored. Most teenagers don’t want to stay at home every night watching tv with their family, they want to be out and socialising and they don’t really care who that’s with!

I don't know maybe i am a mean mom but when I threaten my DD with a punishment I follow through or she will never learn.

Unfortunately OP if I was in your shoes I would follow through. I understand your DD has mental health issues but flouting your rules and disrespecting you by coming home late surely can not have anything to do with her mental health.

If she is seeing a councellor maybe speak to them and see how best to approach the situation.

Cancel the party. She’s not too young to understand consequences.

unless you can say it's cancelled at present you can earn it back by doing X.

I wouldn’t do this. We used to do it but then it became “what do I need to do to earn it back” and the consequence wasn’t there. It’s not ok to be quite bad if you can just cancel it out by being quite good.

I was going to mention as another poster has if she is coming home late it might be an idea to pick her up from school. That way you know she is coming home and not breaking the rules.

I agree with the notion that you shouldn't have made the threat, but at this point I think you have to follow through or you're telling her that your threats are empty and she can get away with whatever she wants.

I completely empathize with the mental health issues, but I know from personal experience (my sister has dealt with anxiety and depression her whole life) that there's a razor thin line between empathy and enabling. During her teen and college years she would regularly play the mental health card to get out of trouble once she realized she could. It wasn't until years later when she got her mental health in order that she owned up to using her illness as a "get out of jail free card" with teachers and parents.

I certainly don't mean to accuse your daughter of anything (she isn't my sister of course), but if she's having behavioral problems you don't want to set the idea in her head that she can get away with anything.

Sounds like a good strategy op. Hope it works out.

If she is aware of dangers and understands to a degree how stressed and worried you are, that's half the battle I think. As teens default setting seems to be that everyone is attacking them, I try to phrase my concerns with "I love you too much to let you wander off totally unsupervised" or"I am really concerned about you and your safety because I love you so much" and keep emphasising the lurrrvvvee bit! Otherwise they just assume you are trying to exert control and spoil their fun for no reason!

Also, it sounds like some self esteem building activities could be a good idea so she can resist the crowd when necessary.

It's really hard though so definitely sympathise op

You have said she is grounded for the foreseeable. She is 13. If she is never able to go out socially after school at all she is going to linger after school and make up reasons why.Then she will be accused of lying to you and the grounding for the foreseeable continues because of trust issues and a viscous circle is created.

can't you draw a line and say she can stay out until 5 O'clock? Give her a chance to build up trust. You say you've ran out of consequences apart from the party. Surely the reason for having to resort to more extreme consequences is because of this grounding for the foreseeable.

Most teenagers would consider being grounded for a month a very serious consequence. Imagine having no time at all with friends of your own age with no end in sight.

I know how difficult teenagers can be but I think you need to reassess this op

You should never have threatened it. Affects others. And her friendships. No doubt she's done wrong. But with hindsight you know you should Have made another threat. Not this.

Great post from Mivery!

I gave up on strict parenting as it never seems to do any good.

Yes your daughter worried you by comming in late but does she have a bad sense of time? Is she pissed or stoned? Is she just at a friend’s house gossiping? She’s not telling you where she’s going because she may not feel safe, random punishments will make her feel less safe. The way you respond to your daughter comming home late depends on lots of circumstances and judgment.

Grounding is just going to make your daughter feel lonely and drive a massive wedge between you. Grounding for “the foreseeable future” is daft, there’s no end date for your daughter to look forward to so there’s no reason not to lie and sneak around, you’ve given her nothing to lose. Have you explained that you’re not just being mean when you ask your daughter to come in at a set time because if you don’t you’re a stingy, nasty woman in her eyes, remind your daughter you care about her.

It sounds like you need to sort out your relationship. 13 year olds are bigger than us so you need to depend on a good relationship.

13 year olds really want to be listened to even when they don’t make sense. Remember that kids stay kids for a hell of a long time right now and they want freedom, it’s almost admirable how hard they’ll fight for it.

The other side of this closer parenting style is you always let your daughter live with her own consequences. Never take kit into school she’s forgotten, if she doesn’t wash her own clothes they stay dirty and never do her homework for her. This is constructive strictness that will teach organation ans life skills. If she’s disorganised help her until she can do things herself and then give yourself a break and let her get in with it.

Let your daughter have her party and make a new start, go forward with love, responsibly and communication.

Discuss being late for school, talk about the very real consequences of

Maybe allow your daughter to win back he

I think you need to organize some healthy after school activities for her. If you are busy with the younger kids and she's left on her own and struggling with mental health of course she will get into trouble. And no, don't cancel her party. She's likely already feeling isolated from you.

What is driving the behaviour? That is what you need to understand. Empathy, empathy, empathy. She needs your support not threats. Ref the issues at school, you need to help her come up with her own solutions to deal with this.

Don't cancel it this time; just be much more careful about what sanctions/punishments you propose in future. Easier said than done, of course, but don't beat yourself up, OP. Have another chat with DD, let her know you're serious about her getting her act together.... it sounds as if she could really do with a party right now, though, as you've said.

It is possible to raise children without punishments.

I have never punished.