To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

@funsponges I agree

I spoke to her when she got in. She was pretty unbothered. Said she had detentions so it wasn’t her fault, and hurt her ankle so had to walk slow 🙄 there’s always some excuse

OP you need to find a more positive approach.

Your relationship with your daughter sounds sad and joyless.

I feel sorry for both of you. It’s hard parenting every stage, but I’m finding teen particularly tough. I freely admit that I’ve skim read the thread, but can see you haven’t cancelled. How much time do you spend one on one with her? Does she need some love bombing? A way to reconnect? I bought a mother/daughter journal from amazon a few months ago and though we don’t use it every day or even every week it’s been really useful as a means of communication between me and my 12 y/o daughter. We set our own rules about what can be written and timeframe for responses, she has occasionally put a post it on it saying ‘urgent’ when she needs me to read and respond quickly. I personally prefer direct and face to face communication but I get that for a teen/pre teen sometimes that’s just too embarrassing. Just an idea, I hope you both find your way.

Yes to the love bombing!

It's one of the most powerful tools we have ( and totally disarming to teenagers!!)

I don't think I would rush home when the welcome is going to be negative.

If she had got home in 15 minutes how would you have welcomed her? Mad at her because of the detention ? She couldn't win.....

The 'how to talk so teens will listen' book has some good ideas

I wouldn’t of been mad at her because of the detentions. They are such a regular occurrence that I’m past being too bothered m, unless it’s for something bad.

If you're going to make a threat, you need to carry it through, especially at this point in her life. You need to set punishments that are achievable.

I would follow it through now you've said it, or you are telling her it doesn't matter what she does, she'll get away with it.

Can't you just give her a break for a bit. Stop talking about punishments and threats and needing to build up trust. Don't ask her where she's been the moment she walks in the door. She has to be able to navigate her own path eventually.

Personally her party would go ahead but she wouldn't be there. I'd prob say she was ill. Depending on what the party is obviously.

MH issues aside, she really isn't listening to you, is she?

So you either cancel the party, or lose the battle. Because if you let it go ahead, you are telling her one thing and showing her another.

Also, don't make threats you aren't prepared to carry through.

Something screams out from one of your latest posts.

She probably had detention for "talking in the corridor or something".

Seriously? The continuous punishments and detentions are for things for common and normal in social beings?

I wonder if she attends one of these zero tolerance academies we hear about all the time?

If so consider where her unhappiness stems from. If she's seriously spending her whole life in trouble for minor things that are 'normal' then there's no reason for her to conform and behave because in her mind she probably feels she can do nothing right iyswim?

I've seen it in so many children - including my own ds who was driven to suicide.

Sorry can I make it clear he wasn't successful. He attempted suicide but he's now in a different secondary who describe him as a lovely caring student and is a peer mentor etc.
They just don't feel the need to punish him for being autistic constantly!

Imustbemad00 "Said she had detentions so it wasn’t her fault, and hurt her ankle so had to walk slow 🙄 there’s always some excuse"

You said before double detention. That sounds bad. May be she really did hurt her ankle.

It sounds like she doesn't want to come home. Is she walking with friends? If so then it's part of her social life. I get why you are worried and you may have every reason to be.

Sit down with her and explore all this after the party. I mean a day or so after, not straight after.

Yournotkiddingme makes a good point. My dds have said there are some children in school who are always bring told off but are doing nothing different to the others. They genuinely feel they are targeted because they are 'known'. Could this be the case for your dd?

youarenotkiddingme you make am excellent point about punishment etc and the OP needs to know why these are happening. I am so sorry to hear about your son.

Another Yes to the love bombing!

Just to say we are 9 pages in and the OP has been told 'repeatedly' not to make threats she won't carry out! So that's been said.

But to carry out a threat you know to be inappropriate or to hold the party and not include the birthday girl are ridiculous and cruel suggestions.

They will not prove the OP is strong - they would show dreadful lack of wisdom, IMHO.

Part of being a grown up is admiring when you are wrong!

The OP needs to built up her relationship and not prove a point.

This is such an upsetting post. I feel so sorry for the OP and for her DD. Terrible position to find yourselves in.

As for the original question- no my DD wouldn't have had the party, but I would have called it off last week and it's def too late to cancel now.

Going forward I think you have an opportunity with the change in weather though. You somehow need to persuade her to have her mates at yours rather than hanging out on stage streets (if it's raining and cold having somewhere to go will suddenly become more appealing)....that's only going to be achievable if she doesn't think she is going to be embarrassed and told off in front of her friends. And that will only happen if she behaves responsibly.

If she doesn't come home within 30mins of any curfew then say she's not allowed out for a week but she can have a friend over if she wants.

She def needs a phone, and put a tracker on. If she turns her phone off then remove her data and call bundle temporarily (say 'You clearly don't need it. Your phone is always off/dead battery/on silent when I call). She will then negotiate to get it reinstated. Keep doing this (never more than 48 hours).

Try a hobby- boxing/martial arts/or anything that requires discipline.

I may have missed it but do you have other DC?

Yournotkiddingme makes a good point. My dds have said there are some children in school who are always bring told off but are doing nothing different to the others. They genuinely feel they are targeted because they are 'known'. Could this be the case for your dd?

this also happened to my friends DD. Got a detention for rolling up her blazer sleeves. Maybe fair enough as against rules etc. Except the teacher walked past 4 kids with rolled up sleeves straight to her and punished just her. Schools exact words were "it's because she's on our radar"

Friend asked how she's ever meant to get off the radar if they ignore others doing the same who could maybe replace her on that radar.
School avoided answering that directly. Just used wordy answers about standards and following rules etc.

My friend admitted her dd needed to knuckle down and behave but could also see her deteriorating behaviour was a response to this 'radar' and feeling of constantly being watched and always the one in the wrong - even when being equal to peers.

NEVER underestimate how someone's feeling of self worth exhibits itself in their actions.

youarenotkiddingme a child being 'on radar' sounds like another words for 'biased against' if the child is being picked on by teachers the parent needs to take it further. I'd get the on radar on writing and then I'd complain because it means the child is having to deal with discrimination in school, plain and simple. One rule for her and another for others.

in writing, email etc.

Italian she moved schools. After seeing the success of my ds move (differing reasons) she followed suit. Again the difference in child was amazing.

Friend did complain but school basically seemed to think her dd should behave more perfectly than others because she was on the radar and then she'd get off it as it was her fault she was on the radar for being outspoken and chatty. Once on the radar outspoken and chatty would have been preferable to the rest of the behaviours! She went completely off the rails and basically didn't give a shit. One day she left school as was so angry she was afraid of staying jncase she did something to get into further trouble. The schools solution? Exclude her 🙄

People just don't get things they don't want to get.

The more the OP types the more I'm seeing a similar pattern and that negative downward spiral.
It's not about letting a child get away with stuff but more making them feel they can behave and can get positive feedback by providing tangible rewards. So balance out the consequences of the unaccountable behaviour with positives for acceptable behaviour.

youarenotkiddingme I think there have been done fantastic examples on here if what to do and of what not to do.

I also think at 13 ( OP is she turnong 13 or actually turning 14?) It has to be a negotiation. The time for my eat or the highway is gone.

Hope the party goes well OP.

You've got problems and issues but there is communication, you clearly care for her, it's a tough time. My dd will be 14 soon. No one here is saying it is easy. I think a big deep breath and a fgonk before any consequences.

Find the fun, make her want to get home to catch up on a tv programme with you, or just to do her thing, be honest with her about any dangers, and yes, have consequences, but negotiate a pattern that seems fair.

Good luck.

My way or the highway!

fgonk!!!! Think