To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

I wouldn't cancel the party. What on earth had that git to do with coming home late? What on earth will it teach her except "the world us bad, people are mean, and unnecessary nasty things happen".

Consequences should be linked, they should shape behaviour and teach. Not just make kids miserable.

Time in not time out. Maybe something like "you can't manage to get home on time, so I'll be collecting you this week. Therapy can try to get home on time next week and we'll take it from there" would probably be much more effective.

Tbh all the punishments you have in place and she’s not really changing her behaviour, I’m wondering if you need a bit more carrot than stick.

You may do this already but praising her when she does well or the days she’s back on time she is allowed telly etc.

Currently, I can see why she wouldn’t want to be home. To her it’s a ace she just gets told off and it’s months off her being able to earn your trust back (still a long time to her not so long to us) so what’s the point. She probably doesn’t feel great when she is home and has a knot about going home. This is not because you’re a bad parent but because to her it’s a negative place, just from what you’ve said (no examples of positive things although I’m sure there are but to a teen in particular they can really hold on to the negativity).

I also see you saying you tell her a lot and not that you listen but again that might be just from the limited amount you have been able to write here which obviously doesn’t cover all your interactions.

Most important rule of all is NEVER make a threat you wont follow through on. Unfortunately I think you need to cancel the party. Hard lesson for you both to learn I guess. I do feel for you though, sounds like a very difficult situation

Wow no wonder she is rebelling. Grounded till Christmas is ridiculous. She is a 13 year old girl. You do know she will
Lose all respect for you don't you? With you being so controlling.

You said she didn’t have a phone - then you mention her not answering calls?

Op it was a stupid threat and one that you shouldn’t have made but you did so now the decisions are follow through and deal with that or allow it and she will think your threats are empty, it’s a hard decision op - sorry you’re facing this. FWIW - my mother followed through with all of her threats. It worked for me and I always knew what she said she meant. Good luck.

Thank you for the helpful opinions. I may try giving her some privileges back so she has something to lose, although I think she will lose them pretty quickly as she seems incapable of coming home on time.

We are receiving help from professionals and the safeguarding lead at the school has suggested collecting her, which is an idea, but not ideal as I have younger children at another school, plus after school activities ect.

She has a phone, but not a smart phone anymore. But she literally never answers to me if she’s doing wrong. I agree it’s is a bit shit for her at the moment, lack of social life ect. But it’s her own doing. I just want to keep her safe and she’s at real risk of going off the rails and is vulnerable.

There had to be one didn’t there @greggers2017.
As I said, it’s justified, as you can see from all my posts. Plus there’s obviously a lot of other stuff that I haven’t managed to convey in a couple of forum posts. I’d rather her lose respect for me than end up on drugs, or raped or stabbed. Which where we live, is a possibility.

Yes- cancel.

If she improves, behaves, respects the rules etc; you can do a lovely treat for her & friends in a few weeks. Ignore the moans / the 'it won't be the same' nagging- as you rightly said upthread, she made the decision to be late again.

Grounded till Christmas and cancelling her birthday party? You've nowhere left to go. You've gone OTT, I'm afraid.

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her. Set the ground rules, maybe get her input on them. Back up on that ridiculous grounding. Never make a birthday treat a punishment.

When my dd was late home /not where she claimed to be etc I told her some cold facts about girls (and boys) who go missing, scare tactics needed imo. Making her scared of you isn't the right approach at all.

@Imustbemad00 Oh my goodness, I could have written your post. I am in the thick of this, too (MH issues coupled with teenage stuff). I would have said, before this, that you just need to carry through with the threat, and that's that. But that's when I wasn't in the soup of dealing with a child with MH issues as well as all the friendship/teen crap.

I think Luvly12's posts are very wise, though I know I'd find them hard to implement as I spent a lot of time in my bedroom, muttering FFS to myself, so DD can't hear me.

I feel as if I'm in the trenches with her. One millimetre of progress, and about 500 miles backwards. I have absolutely no answers, and only people who haven't experienced this could possibly have answers (or, perhaps, those who have experienced it and have come out on the other side).

I hope you find a solution.

Could you maybe give her one more chance? No more lateness this week or party is off?

Don't cancel the party but tell her next time she disobeys you, you will impose some sanctions on her. Also insist she telephones you if she is unavoidably detained and she must to answer her phone to you.

I know grounding until Xmas seems harsh, but this was after months and months of crap and it literally became a safety issue. It wasn’t just one mistake grounded until Xmas. She had so many chances. But after reading these replies I think I’m going to sit her down and say now she’s a teenager and I could see she was improving I’m going to give her a chance to do the right thing, and let her go out some days after school for an hour or so before the dark nights set in.

Ok agree that birth parties and special celebrations should be a punishment free zone (within reason).

She is obviously at the stage when she wants more freedom and I agree it is very important that you are able to trust her. Grounding her until Christmas is too far ahead! Talk about it and maybe compromise on her being out a bit later once or twice a week for the next fortnight and then build up to a month, but if she reneges at any point, you can pull back on the reins a bit and go back to the beginning again. So in effect each future evening of being out longer depends on being home at an appropriate time on the previous occasion. Then in effect the choice is hers!

Having said that, I think my approach to this would depend on which group of friends she was spending time with when she was late this week. (Important to find out if you don't know.) If it was with the old unsuitable friends then a sterner approach will be needed than above as you need to get her away from them pronto. Not the cancelling of the party but more chores, having to meet you after school, more supervision generally.

If though she was meeting the new group of suitable friends, then you want to encourage those friendships and invite them to your home often and of course to the party.

I know you say 6pm is late, but it really doesn't seem that late to me? I realise this isn't the point, but perhaps you need to look at different expectations. My son would often be out skateboarding until that time.

Can I be totally frank, it sounds like you are really coming down very very hard on her ( I have a 13 year old dd too and know it can be tough) esp as her problems stem from MH issues and not necessarily of her choosing.

I would give her the chance to 'earn' her party back with easy chores you know she can do, a good attitude and an effort to be on time. If she is struggling and it is kicking off at school maybe she needs understanding, talking time with you and decompression and not the riot act.

As I say, I know they need boundaries, but she sounds like a child that could do with one hell of a hug and someone in her corner.

Please don't cancel her party.

Sorry that was a x post! See you are going to discuss a compromise!

I must admit I wouldn't allow my DD out if she didn't answer the phone! Can your text you via non Smart phone incidentally?

Forgot to add, the being out late, they are not doing anything in particular, except hanging around the streets of London, which I don’t want to encourage.

I am going to give her some chances to build up trust by allowing her out, but there is a strong possibility she will come back after curfew, or go out on days when I’ve said no. Or I’ll get phoncealls from other parents or school saying she’s been up to no good. Then what??

I believe she doesn’t answer the phone as she doesn’t want me to know who she’s with or what she’s doing. I can’t see any other logical explanation. Like today l, her phone was switched off until 10 minutes before she arrived home.

Gah, typo sorry, can you and she text one another via her non Smart phone?

And sorry, I forgot to answer, I worry the children she is spending time with after school are the ‘wrong ones’. Her actual close friends are really nice girls, but most of them would go straight home from school. We live in an area where the type of children the are allowed to roam the streets after school are not always the most well behaved children. I may be wrong, but that’s the impression i get. Of course some of the good ones go out sometimes. I’m talking about the ones that are out everyday.
It’s the not knowing who she’s with or what they’re getting up to that worries me.

Yes we can text. If her phone is switched on...

You are her parent and your job is to keep her safe. Does she understand her decision to go out until whenever with whomever is not keeping her safe? Because if she doesn't get that she's just going to be dismissive of you. She feels she knows best at the moment. How is your relationship with her generally?

Definitely postpone, you have to she needs the tough love.
Can she have a crappy old phone for emergency calls only?
Always have a treat or reward that she is working towards, it doesn't have to be big, £1 each day she is on time soon adds up or say a cinema visit, popcorn and drink is extra if she has good news from school. Everything has to be earn tie bedtimes and time online
Write a list of all privilidges, wifi, chocolate, free time with friends etc and manageable things she can do to win them, make sure it is clear and manageable and get her to agree to it ( or better still draw it up herself )
Best of luck !