To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

We had a chat. I’ve said I will think about the party. I’ve told her I can see she has been making an effort and that I’ll start letting her have an hour after school, maybe once a week, on a prearranged day, and might increase that if there’s no issues, or stop it altogether if there is. Also spoke about having a clear list of privileges such as going out, tv, laptop ect that need to be earned and what consequences will be in place for bad behaviour (washing up for a week )
She took it on board, she is sensible at heart l, she’s just got a lot going on and is going down the wrong path. If something happens at school she just loses all perspective.

I just don’t hold out much hope, I know that sounds bad. But every time I get my hopes up something goes wrong.

Luvly12
Absolutely- and I am glad I realised this early in my childrens lives.

When we focus on positive behaviour we build an upward spiral of trust and respect.

If a child stays out late it causes worry and perhaps some anger.

Punishing a child when they come home may alleviate some of the parents anger but isn't really helping the situation.

Good communication of feelings leads to a mutual respect.
Talking about the impact of their actions leads to a much more effective way in helping a child understand situations and develop a mature outlook than punishment does.
Yes there needs to be ongoing evaluation of freedoms and expectations as a child grows.

My kids are 18 and 20, they have never given me grounds to punish- even as older teens if they were going to be staying out later of changing plans they would drop a text- because that is a mature respectful thing to do.

I am not a failed adult. I did not have consequences/punishments as a teenager.

Good for you.

Yes cognitive in my opinion of course. Thank you for pointing that out although I've made it clear in my postings that my experiences and opinions may differ from others.
You've made comments earlier. They were obviously only your opinion too. I dont think anyone felt it necessary to point that out.
There's no right or wrong here or fact finding mission. It's a forum ... people give their views, opinions and experiences. OP may gleam something from all of our posts or decide we are all a bunch of nuts putting out two bit in.

I’m sligjtly confused by talk of going through childhood or life with no punishments. Surely that’s not realistic, unless you have a naturally very well behaved child.
In adult life there are punishments and consequences too.
If my younger child misbehaves, theres punishments or consequences. Not sure I can differentiate between the two either. Can’t always make the consequences relate to the misdemeanours

I think there’s a lot more to be gained here from talking and compromising. A 13th birthday is a milestone and I really don’t think it’s worth spoiling for these reasons. She is testing the boundaries and yes they need reinforcing but sit her down and say that you were that close to cancelling but it’s an important occasion and therefore you are not going to. However, she needs to tow the line. Talk about what time she’s got to be home by - maybe compromise by 15 mins or so? Tell her that you are prepared to give her one last chance so that she can celebrate her birthday but make sure she knows this is a big deal and there will be major consequences if she doesn’t abide by the rules in future.

@luvly12 I agree with a lot of what you are saying. It’s very hard to change the mindset at this point though, I wish it was something I’d thought more about from the early days. It’s hard to break a cycle.

OP sounds like you had a good chat with her

I have normally behaved kids, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I'm just not a big fan of extreme punishments/consequences. No-one's perfect.

@Imustbemad00 - just saw your post above. Sounds like a good approach. It’s not easy raising teenagers but I truly believe that putting your foot down is not the way forward - at least not first. Compromise and let them have a tiny bit of leeway. Good luck.

I’m sligjtly confused by talk of going through childhood or life with no punishments. Surely that’s not realistic, unless you have a naturally very well behaved child.
In adult life there are punishments and consequences too.
If my younger child misbehaves, theres punishments or consequences. Not sure I can differentiate between the two either. Can’t always make the consequences relate to the misdemeanours

This is literally all I'm trying to say. I think you are doing exactly what you should be

Have only read about half the responses so sorry if I'm repeating anything.

When I was a teen, my mum was similar to how you sound in that it was punish punish punish. Take this away, take that, ground for stupid lengths of time etc. I had a few months of teen 'naughtiness' and then bam, I was punished fully to the hilt, to the point I had nothing left to lose. I also never ever confided in her about anything whatsoever. I didn't trust her an ounce.

I think a good course of action would be to tell her what you have been tempted to do ie; cancel her party. However, you don't WANT to do that. Then wait, hard stare, let her tell you why you shouldn't. Then tell her why you won't on this occasion. Let her open up. Start afresh, treat her as if she's a little more grown up now she's had plenty of time to reflect on past bad choices.

If only teenagers could understand that everything is done out of love. I bet every parent of teens in the history of time has thought the same eh?

I love luvly 's post. Such a wonderful approach. IME when kids are behaving badly there is something wrong, and punishments push them further away from you and damage the relationship. Far better to work on the releationship, the trust between you and feelings of self esteem etc. that often addresses the root cause of the problem rather than addressing the symptoms (i've worked a lot with teenagers and have 3DC)

I must say, this is one of the most helpful posts I’ve ever posted/read. Usually they can turn quite judgemental with a nasty undertone but you have all been genuinely helpful and given some good advice and different points of views.

Tell her you understand this was an upsetting incident and you will allow it as a one off but any more incidents and you will be cancelling the party and then you HAVE TO follow through.
Is 6pm her curfew? It seems a tad early for a 13 year old, as long as she is having dinner somewhere and tells you where she is, can you not extend it slightly? And put a tracker on her phone.

Do it ! Thirty years ago I cancelled my daughters 10th birthday party. She had a friend over the week before for a sleepover. They were messing around all night and continously waking up her younger sister. First warning, second warning, just in case she didn't understand the first time..... third time........ party cancelled. Probably sounds harsh...but it certainly made her realise that I meant what I said. We still laugh about it now, and I still know I did the right thing ! Consequences !

That's because you come across as a genuine lovely mum just trying to do your best like the rest of us

You and your daughter will get there I know you will
You must have a lot of strenght to get through last year with her. That strenght will get you both through the next stage x

Punishment makes people resentful and uncooperative, yes there should be consequences, they should be related to the behaviour and short and sharp, punishments that make no sense or go on for ever don't work, kids ignore them and become immune. It breeds indifference. Work with your relationship, she wants you to be proud of her, encourage behavior you want and have clear, immediate responses when you don't get it. Don't sweat the small stuff, let her earn privileges

@Imustbemad00 - glad it’s helped. Unusual for AIBU 😅

Causeimunderyourspell - I agree, my DM was all about rules and punishments. I just got more and more devious as there was no point asking or trying to negotiate. I did exactly what I wanted (all bad) because there was no approval anyway so I had nothing to lose.

if you cancel.but talk to her.put things in place.get help with her problems?do stuff together to actively help her be/do better?
then say once things look btter once there is more trust and better behaviour in place then youll organise another get together/kind of party for her and her mates

Pick her up from school. Yes it's a tremendous pain but may show her how much you care

As an older woman who did secondary school in the early 70s, all we needed to do if were going to be late was find red phone box and let our parents know. It sounds as if we were allowed more freedom than many youngsters today, which is quite sad, a reflection on the times, not on parents who are being responsible. During summer holidays we could be out all day, so long as we were back at mealtimes. My parents bought me a cheap watch, so there was no excuse.

Going out in the evening involved strict curfew times, especially in the dark. I guess much depends on where you live, as inner cities are more dangerous places for kids than leafy suburbs or quiet provinces. We now live in a market town and our kids had lots of freedoms, but in a city it would have been very different.

I definitely would not cancel her party, just let her know you have considered this and it will probably put the wind up her enough to make her think next time.

also with mental health issues especially its about taking time to build on her outlook and both of you together outlook.so say outside of arguments and stuff "I want us to do some fun stuff together what do yo uthink.or if that approach hasn't worked just randomly ask her to do something one weekend.spa day.walk.shopping.trip for a park picnic or go to a group or swim.this is a teenager so youd have to face the hermonal grump im sure to most.but at least she think you want to.or even movie night and pizza.start building her esteem and her and your love buckets so you have this behind you aswell.she will then see and want to do more for the good.want to be better for herself and you.and will respect you and always realise too your doing things for her good not just a teenager thnking everyone agasint her and a sufferer of mental health that just feel everything goes wrong for them

if your going toallow the party don't just allow it.sit her down and tell her yove thought really hard on cancelling and just don't see how it will help either you.that you need to sit there and make some real plans on how to get a handle on what going on.dont just say "am I allowed it."..."yes ok" sit down and discuss why and what to do next.