To cancel daughters party??

[Imustbemad00]

Please go easy on me, I don’t want to hear people putting my child down or calling me a bad parent. It’s not helpful.
My daughter is turning 13 and I’m paying for her and some friends to do an activity and have some food after. Her behaviour the last school year was not great, bad attitude, coming home late, generally not giving a f**k. But so as not to drip feed, at the root of all this are some mental health issues so it’s very hard to find a balance between discipline and empathy.

New school year, great positive attitude, great start to the year. Except coming home late has started to creep in. She’s not allowed out with friends ect, technically grounded for the foreeseable as I can not trust her at the moment because of all the previous issues. I’ve said the trust needs to be built again.
She came home at 6pm twice last week. Lied about why she was late. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was late this week her party would not go ahead. She came in 1hr45mins late today. Of course my head tells me to follow through and cancel the party. But it seems so harsh. I know it’s a lesson that she needs to learn but after initially telling her off it seems she’s really struggling again, she’s quite distressed and the reason she was late is to do with some drama that happened at school that she felt the need to try and sort out after school.l, she has confidence and trust issues and can’t cope with falling out with people. Plus she was upset and when she feels like that she just simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to learn to cope with school drama and friendship issues and rise above it, or take time out to think. Not stand around talking about it basically adding fuel to the fire.

My Aibu is about cancelling th party. I know I should. I know it’s a consequence. She chose to disregard what I said. But she’s so looking forward to it, I think she really needs it, and I worry about her mental health and how it’ll affect her if I cancel. She’s already feeling low.

I feel did you & your DD OP, having had DC who struggled with school friendships & MH issues. I wouldn’t cancel the party. Igmum put it well. But I wonder if your DD would engage in a conversation about the behaviour you want to see change & agree on some things going forward. There’s a good book called How To Talk so Teens Will Listen & Listen so Teens Will Talk, easy & quick to dip into & I found it helpful on how to navigate some of these conversations. Good luck.

This is the book I mentioned above www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=how+to+talk+so+teens+will+listen+and+listen+so+teens+will+talk&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1537898360&sr=8-1

6pm is late for a 12 year old. She was going off on buses far away from home, refusing to answer phone, I had no idea where she was or who she was with, she was putting herself in dangerous situations. There was a couple of times she came home at 9/10pm. So I made the decision to say that she has to be home within half an hour of school finishing. It’s the lies that have broken the trust and I feel like to build the trust up will take a while and she isn’t going the right way about it.

I wouldn’t cancel, I’d kick myself for threatening to but I wouldn’t cancel. Maybe turn it around and say “look, up until now you’ve had a great start to the school year, if you’re home on time for the next two weeks we can start to trust you and you’ll be allowed out. If you’re late again in that time forget it”

Ok heres a bit of a maverick approach..... She's nothing to lose at the minute and her life sounds shite tbh
How about you sit her down and tell her you want to move forward
Reinstate all privelleges such as her phone etc
Lift the grounding restriction
Agree expectations going forward
She comes back when she's meant to
If she's delayed she lets you know by phoning you on her mobile
She doesn't go round with that wrong crowd but focuses on the good wee group you've mentioned
This could be a chance for her to restart and rebuild trust from a positive start
Always hard to build up anything when you're already in a negative place
Tell her she's older now and you want to show you trust her, you want to work with her but she needs to work with you. Its not about who's walking ovet whom. Or whose winning the arguments.
When she has her phone send her wee texts telling her you hope she's having a lovely day
Send a text asking to meet for coffee or ice cream after school unexpectedly

If none of it works then you've lost nothing and are back to where you are now

I think you shouldn’t of used the party as a consequence if you weren’t going to follow though, you need to follow through in my opinion or she will not take what you say seriously again. I really wouldn’t of used the party as a consequence in the first place though.

Oh just saw your update. Thought she didn't have a phone??? You said that earlier?

You're going the wrong way about making her trust you, confide in you, and to be blunt, you are driving her away to the point she will be secretive.

Like most people, teenagers do respond to sensible discussion ; imposing rules with no negotiation, discussion, compromise is never going to work. They will push boundaries, but they also have to work out dangerous situations for themselves (to a certain degree).

You have to find the median ground - perhaps stay out after school until 5.30 or 6. Or come home first and get changed

You need to follow through on it.

If her behaviour improves she could have a small group of friends to do something another time.

Actions must have consequences or pointless to threaten.

Maybe next time go with threatening no presents, rather than no party!

I wouldn't cancel the party - can't you stop her watching tv on an evening she is late/goes round with wrong people etc - get someone to meet her from school? I hate it when punishments aren't given there and then for that day or the next - I know that my DH had always 'threatened' my two that if they didn't/did do this/that then they couldn't go swimming the following week etc - he did it hoping the threat would be enough but it never was, and then if the whole week they were great, felt terrible about the silly long drawn out punishment, hence it never happened anyway, but we had plenty of rows about it

I agree with the pp if you don't feel you can cancel the party then get her to earn it back at least then she won't think that's you don't follow through on punishments.

I think you can go back on a threat as long as it's once in a blue moon. If you have made a genuine mistake with the threat then you can own up to it and reverse your decision and try to make sure you don't do it again anytime soon.

Do you have parental controls on your daughters phone. If she had an iPhone it's easy to put on and you can then use 'Find my Phone' so that you can track her. She has shown that you can't trust her so I think she has lost any rights to privacy.

Does she understand that when she is late you worry about her? That it upsets you that she can't be bothered to contact you and let you know what's happening? I had a similar issue about lateness and all the tellings-off and punishments just set up conflict. Then I said I worry about you because I love you, I'm not just making rules to hurt you, I want to know you are OK. I know sometimes you might be late but please let me know. Amazed when it worked, I must say. But it did. Good luck.

I’m not a fan of big one off gestures as punishments. If she continues to be late what do you do next week? Let her birthday be separate to whatever method of discipline you choose.
Is her coming home late that’s the issue or her not calling to let you know?

Follow through and cancel

Give her a chance to win it back. Maybe she’s home dead on time or rings you and explains why not. Put them out to remind her what she needs to do. I’m dreading navigating the teen years especially with two girls on the spectrum.

Usually I would say cancel the party.

But she’s on the verge of going off the rails and cancelling could blow her completely off them. Is meeting her outside school an option and walking her home? If so I would give her the choice. She either cancels her party or for a week you will be meeting her outside school and walking her home. Tell her if she does this without attitude and bad behaviour you will extend it to her walking home again within half and hour and occasionally you will let her out in the evening. But she always has to be home first.

Talk to her seriously. Tell her you want her to have fun but you have to keep her safe and you need to trust her. Suggest you postpone the party for a month/two weeks? If she is home on time during that period the party can go ahead, if not it’s cancelled. She can tell her friends there was a mix up with the booking if necessary. Then give her 24 hours to make a decision.

Were you supervising party? Eg would you have been at activity or at the food venue?

Perhaps use the cancelling as a carrot?

"Dd I've had to say you can't have your party as you've once again shown you cannot follow simple instructions. I cannot leave you with friends when you aren't yet safe because you aren't yet ready to follow simple instructions. I obviously really want you to have your party so after 2 weeks of you being able to understand simple instructions we'll do it then".

Sometimes avoiding the word "choosing to behave that way" or "ignoring me" etc give the child the power because they know they can choose to do as they please. The use of "not understanding" puts it back into you thinking she can't manage it and her being young (it's a very infantilising phrase) and it can encourage the child to decide to prove you wrong

This approach won't work for all but I've seen friends use it with success with their teen girls who don't want to be considered as a bit dim as their behaviour is all about excerpting power (iyswim?

I would say don't cancel the party. It sounds like the one positive in her life right now.

Follow through or you might as well not bother with any rules going forward

I remember a child psychologist who had a radio slot here stating that you should never ever use family Together time (like a trip to s movie or cinema) or birthday parties as a punishment or reward. They are there to show your unconditional love for your child / children.

It was as an answer to a parent who was going to stop a child going to a family day out as a punishment.

There are lots of background issues - could you get parenting support and help from professionals? I’m not in the UK but where I live they are provided free to parents who have a child in difficulty.
I don’t think you should cancel the party and I think you probably need parenting support.

Could you try behaving as though she is younger than she is for a little while to almost set a reset button? Maybe meet her from school, take her home (with a friend), almost a playdate. Speak nicely to her explaining that you love her and you worry about her and you want the two of you to have a fresh start.

Please dont start meeting her from school. You'll lose her altogether

I would say she can't have the party now. If she can behave for the next two weeks and not be late no excuses or she atĺeast needs to ring you with a bloody good reason and she can do it then she can have her party in a fortnight.