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AIBU?

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Original poster

9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

522 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:00

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 25/09/2018 15:02

You were cross too many people turned up for a wedding dinner and he's gone NC? Sorry but I think there's a much larger back story here

chestylarue52 · 25/09/2018 15:02

If anyone had a suprise delivery of furniture sent to my house I’d send it away again!

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:03

It was very painful writing this down , I wish I had the answers to make this better.
Off to work back this evening if anyone has some suggestions of how to fix this?

OP posts:
Sarah22xx · 25/09/2018 15:04

Leave him too it, sounds like you've tried your best. Very sorry he's cut you off x

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:05

We invited her immediate family for lunch the day after the wedding. We catered for 12 and 40 turned up

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 25/09/2018 15:05

There are a few possibilities here. Either your DS is in an abusive, controlling relationship and his wife has isolated him from you as a control tactic, or your DS feels you have in some way stepped over a line when you haven't, or you are jealous and controlling yourselves and want things your own way and have caused the problems with your own behaviour.

Which one do you think it is?

Original poster
birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:07

I sent the furniture because I love trating my family, obviously if I thought they would react like this I would never have arranged it.
It was done through love and generousity nothing more.
I knew they couldnt afford this item

OP posts:
Prettysureitsnotok · 25/09/2018 15:07

I expect you probably already know that the only way you can fix this is by apologising for whatever it is that upset your son and his wife, and stressing that you respect them and that your relationship is more important to you than what you fell out over

GerdaLovesLili · 25/09/2018 15:08

I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home,

You did what!!!?

I sometimes send my son a surprise cake and champagne delivery from Sainsburys, but a room-full of furniture? WTAF!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/09/2018 15:09

I think some lines have been crossed by you. Most people don’t want surprise furniture because it’s a long term thing and something that most people want to choose themselves. Apart from anything else if furniture turned up that I didn’t order then I’d assume it was a mistake.

The post-wedding thing was a grit your teeth moment I think. Were you angry at your son there and then or afterwards?

Prettysureitsnotok · 25/09/2018 15:09

The family dinner sounds like a misunderstanding. Did they say only 12 people were coming and then 40 showed up?

It's not normal to choose other people's furniture, I think that was rude of you and I wouldn't accept that either. You should have asked what they wanted and contributed to that instead.

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/09/2018 15:10

I am so sorry he has cut you out. It does sound like there is more to it.

In all seriousness a suprise of furniture (out of all things - personal taste etc) would have most people refusing it.

I think the best thing to do for the moment is back off. Take a break live your life and then write him a letter like a family update etc and take it from there. Take baby steps rather than trying to go back to what you were.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/09/2018 15:10

*I sent the furniture because I love trating my family, obviously if I thought they would react like this I would never have arranged it^

Vouchers are your friend here! Otherwise it does seem a but controlling and sadly that detracts from your generous intentions

EwItsAHooman · 25/09/2018 15:10

You don't try to fix it. You have to walk away and respect his decision because the harder you push, the further he'll run. Let him know that the door will always be open, the phone will always be answered, and you'll always be there if he should need/want you and then leave him to it. All being well, and presuming there isn't a massive backstory you're not telling us, things will simmer down and he'll make contact from which you can try to rebuild the relationship but for now you're doing it more harm by persisting.

And with regard to the furniture? Huge overstep of the boundaries. I'd be angry about that. Furniture choice is a personal thing and it's incredibly presumptious to impose your taste on them or to guess at what you think is their taste. When I was first starting out with DH my parents wanted to help us out so they gave us vouchers, I'd have been foaming if a "surprise" delivery van showed up.

peachgreen · 25/09/2018 15:11

Were you rude when they turned up for lunch? It sounds like it was probably quite a big deal for her family (you don't say which culture she's from but I know in many Asian cultures the events around the wedding are as important as the ceremony itself) and you might have offended them. I suspect your son and DIL would have a very different version of events. You would do well to go to them offering to just listen - no defending yourself, no arguing - just listen to their point of view, go away and think about it.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/09/2018 15:12

^My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers^

This is another aspect to avoid I think. You and your DS have both contributed to this situation and you are responsible for the effect on your own health. You aren’t meaning to be manipulative but that is the effect.

SweetSummerchild · 25/09/2018 15:12

My DH told our DS it had made us ill.

Considering the situation, this was not the best way of trying to resolve it. An apology for misreading the situation would have been better.

Anythingforacatslife · 25/09/2018 15:13

Maybe the 40 were considered immediate family to her? And if someone ordered furniture for my house I would send it away again too!! Leave them to it, they obviously don’t want to speak to you at the moment, and usually once close families it takes more than one or two arguments for things to end up like this. I suspect if we heard their side it might sound quite different to your version of events.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 25/09/2018 15:13

I think DS and your DIL are being grossly unfair. OK, buying furniture for them was a bit OTT (you can't really choose furniture for other people, much better to offer to pay for items they pick out themselves), but you were clearly trying to make a generous gift.

The 40 guests for lunch was unreasonable too. That's a large group, not "immediate family" and your DIL should've made it clear how many people were attending - or cut down on the numbers.

It sounds as if everything has to be on DIL's and her family's terms and unfortunately, your DS isn't willing to stand up for you.

For now, I'd back off and let your DS experience life without you. No phone calls or messages, just let him get on with it. Enjoy family life with your DDs. Perhaps he'll realise how much he's missing out on.

EwItsAHooman · 25/09/2018 15:14

We invited her immediate family for lunch the day after the wedding. We catered for 12 and 40 turned up

Did you invite specific people or was she simply asked to bring her family? That could have easily been crossed wires if you presumed it would be parents/siblings/spouses but she assumed you meant the people in her close family, and there are lots of people who class their favourite aunt, their granny, and their cousins as close family.

SinkGirl · 25/09/2018 15:15

One thing stands out to me... you said you felt like guests at his wedding, but that’s what you were. My mum and MIL were guests at our wedding, not involved beyond that. I’m not sure what you think should have been different? When you say you were told what to wear and do, do you mean for the religious ceremony you weren’t familiar with, as that seems reasonable?

Sending a load of furniture without discussing it seems very overbearing.

I can’t ehen imagine how it feels to be cut out by your child. I just feel like your son might tell things differently if he wrote a post. It might be helpful to write what he would say as an exercise - that can be useful to understand someone else’s point of view.

BelindaTheBadger · 25/09/2018 15:17

I think your dh telling your ds about his stomach ulcer has made him sound like he’s manipulating your ds. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention though.

I also wouldn’t like to receive surprise furniture.

I also wonder if you maybe embarrassed him in front of the guests at the dinner or was it a quiet word? Either way, I think you know as well that it was a grit your teeth moment.

I am so sorry he has gone NC with you though. That’s very extreme. I think you need to take things slowly and let him know you want to mend your relationship but do it on his terms. Something major has obviously gone on here.

Peanutbuttershake · 25/09/2018 15:18

I think the lunch thing may have been a cultural difference at play e.g. in some cultures people often turn up without having RSVP'd and hosts are expected to accommodate that. Not saying it's correct but I've seen this play out at a few events I've been to. I think with intercultural weddings one side can often feel a bit sidelined as it's very difficult to get the balance right.

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way though. Could you try and just ask for an opportunity to listen to their concerns so at least you know exactly what it is they think you've done wrong?

dustarr73 · 25/09/2018 15:22

I think op you are getting a hard time.Ok the furniture was OTT but if they lived with you before her parents found out.Seems to me they have cut you out to avoid spilling the beans.Maybe she has told her family one story.

And immediate family is obvious.If her immediate family was 40,then the onus is on the dil to let her know.

Or maybe dil and mil are more alike than they realise.The both love springing big surprises on people.

Duskqueen · 25/09/2018 15:24

Have you apologised for the furniture? It would probably have been better if you had told them to pick what they wanted and you would pay for it, rather than a surprise imo. But that is hindsight. Right now send him a message saying sorry, that you meant no harm, you will respect his wishes and keep your distance, but the door is always open to both of them and you love them both, then leave it up to him.

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