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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

522 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:00

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 25/09/2018 16:27

mypointofview is spot on. I think that you are upset and jealous at the idea that your son has become part of his wife's family. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is accept where and how he lives now, forgive them any wrongs you feel they have committed against you and your family, and swallow your pride and reach out to your son, apologising for any offence caused, and ask for a relationship on their terms, even if it's only a card at Christmas.

butterflysugarbaby · 25/09/2018 16:27

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53rdWay · 25/09/2018 16:31

It isn’t ‘outing’ someone to remember that they’ve talked about this situation previously.

But I think you misunderstand what people are trying to do butterflysugarbaby. OP is sad that her son has gone NC with her. The only way to fix that is to at least try to look at it from his and DIL’a perspective. Telling her she’s right to be furious and you’d be angry if your child married someone from a different culture (?!? good luck with that) isn’t going to help rebuild her relationship with her son, is it?

Oldraver · 25/09/2018 16:31

Buying unwanted furniture is weird and controlling

Telling your son 'you have made us ill' is weird and controlling. Your ulcer is not caused by this.

Getting your DD's to be flying monkeys is weird and controlling.

Just leave your son be

butterflysugarbaby · 25/09/2018 16:31

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Gazelda · 25/09/2018 16:31

OP, your DIL might well be feeling as though you have had more control over their lives than she's comfortable with.
She had to be grateful to you for the five years sh me was keeping a secret from her parents.
I may have misread, but it seems as though you told DS to propose using your DM's ring, and had it remodelled (before or after the proposal?)
You seem to have the attitude that you've been the better parents because you've supported them from Day 1.
You resent that her parents took the lead at the weddings.
You've not tried to appreciate her culture.
You sent unsolicited furniture to their home (I'm incredulous anyone would do this!)
Your DH has tried to emotionally manipulate DS by blaming him for poor health.
You've tried to get your DDs to intervene.
I think that you can do nothing except step back and leave this m alone.
Send birthday and Christmas cards (but not gushing with emotion or pleas).
The ball is in their court I'm afraid, but I can understand how heartbreaking this is for you.

Rebecca36 · 25/09/2018 16:32

I would not pick a side. Whatever else went on, and I get the point about cultural differences etc, this poor lady is extremely distressed. All we can do is let her speak and be comforting whilst remaining neutral. Everything else she will have to resolve with her son and will be better able to do that if calm. Her and her husband's health have suffered, no point in us sticking the knife in and making it worse.

Pigeonpost · 25/09/2018 16:33

Surprise furniture is more than a little batshit. But I suspect there is far more to this story than you realise.

kally195 · 25/09/2018 16:33

"don't be so bloody spiteful"

Wow. If you think my comment was spiteful, then AIBU probably isn't the place for you.

anniehm · 25/09/2018 16:33

I'm guessing they are Asian from the details - your son was amiss by not informing you but it's normal in Asian families for every to be fed, even the most vague relationships are invited. The concept of immediate family includes aunts, uncles, cousins - though I would include them too to be honest.

As to the furniture, I wouldn't accept furniture unless I had agreed to it to be honest, once you are married you don't expect unsolicited furniture, a picture frame is a more suitable gift or ask what is needed.

Elvira091 · 25/09/2018 16:34

As a British person married to someone from a Middle Eastern culture, I can tell you that where our culture is to state 12 people and to expect only 12, other cultures would never put a limit on it, and would simply share whatever they had with however many turned up. We British, of course, feel embarrassed if we don't have 'enough' for everyone, but other cultures don't, and their guests don't mind either. Very difficult to make yourself feel this lack of embarrassment with these things I know, but the problem here is that you felt embarrassed and therefore angry with your DIL's family for putting you in that position, and your anger embarrassed both your son and your DIL's family who simply couldn't understand what they'd done wrong.

I do feel for you with this so I hope I've helped to clarify. But the furniture thing was odd - presumably DIL felt that you were now trying to buy her forgiveness for your rudeness to her family over the meal and that is why she refused it.

You need to tell your son you are sorry and to make it clear that he is ALWAYS welcome.

He will almost certainly be coming under quite a lot of pressure from DIL also. Poor him. Stuck in the middle. You need to behave like his mum here and stand by him and make it clear you do, no matter what.

butterflysugarbaby · 25/09/2018 16:34

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/09/2018 16:35

I would be devastated if one of mine ended up marrying into another culture, and a different religion to us

Seriously? Hmm

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/09/2018 16:36

MOST people would be pissed off with it. Don't try and pretend any different

No, most people think about their children’s partners as individuals and don’t prejudge based on their feelings about other cultures/religions

kally195 · 25/09/2018 16:36

butterfly out of interest, why would you be angry if one of your children married into a different culture or religion?

butterflysugarbaby · 25/09/2018 16:36

@Kally195

I don't think AIBU is the place for you.

I shall stay here as long as I like. Who made YOU the forum police?! Hmm

There are some nasty posts on here. And YOURS are some of the worst. Bore off with the 'well this is AIBU' line!

53rdWay · 25/09/2018 16:37

You’d have every right to be pissed off, and your children would have every right to go “fuck off with that I’m not your property” and cut you off.

And no most people would not be angry at their children for marrying someone foreign or non-white! What on Earth are you on about?

Kisskiss · 25/09/2018 16:37

Really sorry for your anguish OP. Did you ever manage to ask your ds or dds what ds is upset about? The two incidents you mentioned ( the wedding lunch and the furniture) don’t seem enough to torpedo a lifetime relationship..

I have to say though, the furniture story struck a chord with me- when Dh and I bought our place together.. his older sister spent all her free time sending him eBay links to used furniture and website links to stuff she liked , saying he ‘should buy that for our new place , it’s great’. I was a little miffed as it is my first house and I wanted to be able to decide with him how to furnish it ( not him and her) .. then she needed a place to stay for a month and got him to order a bed ( that We still have and i still hate) specifically for her to use.. furniture is quite a personal thing and it’s possible she felt you were trying to control her/your son by surprise sending things they never picked out

GinIsIn · 25/09/2018 16:37

@butterflysugarbaby did you mean to be so racist? Hmm

LydiaLunch7 · 25/09/2018 16:38

Nothing in the OP sounds like enough to go NC over, so I'd assume there's more to it that either OP doesn't realise, or isn't telling us.

You WERE guests at your son's wedding. Duh.

There was a misunderstanding over the number of guests, you were cross, that's annoying.... not enough to go NC over.

Surprise furniture is a bit weird, not sure I'd want to take it either, but not enough to go NC over.

butterflysugarbaby · 25/09/2018 16:38

I don't have to answer to you @kally195 or answer any of your questions.. OR anyone else's for that matter. Don't try and pretend you don't know why I would be pissed off... OR that you would not be pissed off!

LydiaLunch7 · 25/09/2018 16:40

butterflysugarbaby did you mean to be so racist? hmm

I've seen other posts by her and I'm quite sure she did, yes.

GinIsIn · 25/09/2018 16:40

butterflysugarbaby you seriously think everyone would be pissed off if their children didn't marry a person from their race and religion? Thankfully not everyone is that narrow-minded....

53rdWay · 25/09/2018 16:41

Genuinely I do not know why you would be pissed off, butterflysugarbaby. Who would you be pissed off with exactly? The evil DIL/SIL who fell in love with your darling? Your child for making their own choices about who to marry?

butterflysugarbaby · 25/09/2018 16:42

Oh well, at least the mean-spirited posters on here are not bullying the OP any longer. They have turned on me instead.

Are you enjoying yourselves? Carry on....... Wink