I had 2 estranged parents. Only one now, due to a death.
I'm posting this because ... death is very final. But the pain of a lack of resolution lingers on.
There are different types of estranged parents. Some tend to eventually resolve the issues, at least enough for some semblance of a relationship. But one group specifically, by and large, does not.
And that group tends to present the estrangement as inexplicable. They tend to speak/write of the cause of estrangement by offering up nice things they have done. That were unexplainably rejected. And refer to minor tiffs about justifiable things to be miffed about which were then used in conjunction with all their nice gestures to deepen the estrangement on the part of their child. A child who often has a spouse cast as the controller, the root cause and the maintainer of the ongoing distance. Despite enjoying emotional and geographical closeness with their own family.
I can tell you I have never stopped hoping agasibt hope for the distance to be closed. My father died 2 and a half years ago, and thanks to being resolutely stuck in the denial stage, I still hope. Even though my logical brain knows this many disparate people would not collude to say he was dead, were he not. And I found part of his funeral on youtube a few weeks ago. Which is starting to break through, because a fake funeral would be pantomime too far even for the more elaborate fantasies in my head that it's not real, he's not dead and my ongoing hope of resolution is not insanely stupid
All I needed from him, and from my still living mother, was something other than the narrative they had woven that made each of them the hurt party of an inexplicable estrangement, despite their best efforts, caused in part by a third party with ill intent.
I couldn't make my peace without that. Because nothing would have changed. So nothing could change. And the relationships would have continued to be painful, fruitless and crisis ridden. I would have given almost anything for one, or preferably both, of them to be able to show they recognised what they did to cause our relationships to break down and eventually be dissolved.
You don't need to justify yourself, not all hooves are horses, sometimes it's a zebra. But something about your post looked familiar, so I'm putting this out there on the off chance there is some kind of overlap with your family's pain. If you want him back in your life and anything in my post made a nerve twinge, it's not over til the funeral director writes his invoice. There can be a way back. In which case, focus in on what you can change and say, not out.
Good luck, god speed and I hope there is a way for peace in all your hearts. Because the alternative, IME, is a long hard road for all concerned, that I am bringing to think will only end when my life does.