9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

I agree it’s a good idea to think about how your son would describe this, even writing it down as an exercise.

You say he doesn’t want to have another argument, so there must have been arguments before. What was it you disagreed over in those arguments? What is it your daughter-in-law feels that you disrespected her over? It sounds like the turning point was the meal after the wedding - what exactly happened there that they objected to?

I’m not saying he and she are right, maybe they’re bonkers, it just seems here like there’s only one side of the story and it’s going to be hard to build bridges if you can’t see where they’re even coming from.

Didn't you confirm catering numbers beforehand? How did you behave towards them once they did turn up?

I wouldn't like random surprise furniture turning up either - how would you know what they want?

As someone who has gone NC with my DDad, I can tell you that there is so much more to it than our final (and only) argument which, to me, was the straw that broke the camel's back. We don't have the type of relationship where I could ever be myself or tell him that the way he was was damaging me and that I feel better off mentally without him in my life.

I don't want to upset you, OP, just to let you know that there is probably a lot more to it that you will never understand unless you reach out with an open heart, willing to take on board any grievances they may have and make steps to either wholeheartedly apologise or try to change whatever has made him/them feel this way.

Unless people have MH issues, I'd say it is unusual to go NC with a parent unless they have very deeply hurt you.

Have you tried looking at it from his point of view?

Reading between the lines - his wife organises the wedding and (how did you react, in your post you sound pissed off).

Your only contribution to the wedding is a meal where you shout at him in front of future in laws.

He feels he can’t tell you about his change of career/move (how did you react to this news? Did you congratulate him?)

You were disrespectful when you send them random furniture, who knows if they needed, it fitted, if they wanted it or hated it. How did you react to your error of judgement?

It sounds like you are blaming his wife.

You need to drop the blame and apologise for your bad behaviour.

You told your son off on his wedding day because you felt like guests?

You ordered surprise furniture (seriously that's Batshit) to their house ?

Then told them they were responsible for clinical depression?

Yep I'd have cut you off too

Maybe dil is wrong as well granted

But just from your own statements if you hadn't responded to a warning you were massively overstepping then you deserved to be cut off

Who in actual hell orders furniture for someone else's house....you don't actually believe that is sane surely?

I think the lunch thing may have been a cultural difference at play

It probably was, but when different cultures are involved, it's important for the spouses (in this case their DS and DIL) to prepare everyone for what to expect. Their DS would've known that his parents expected "immediate family" to be a small group - why didn't he and his wife explain that it would be a large party?

When I first moved to the USA, I had no idea how Thanksgiving, baby showers, etc. worked over here. I turned up to my first baby shower with just a token gift and was v. embarrassed that no one had told me that they're a big deal here.

It sounds as if DS and DIL aren't v. kind people.

The fact you sent a van load of furniture leapt out at me in your comment on another thread.
That was a very odd and overbearing thing to do, and I think you are being faux-naive to explain this away as just your love of “treating” people. Unless you live under a rock you must know people normally pick major purchases out for themselves.
I suspect there is a lot more to this than you are disclosing.
If you want to have a relationship with your son and DiL, knock off the guilt tripping about the impact on your health, apologise for being overbearing in the past, and say you miss them, and would love to be in touch but that you respect the fact that they are busy adults with lives of their own. Suggest meeting for lunch somewhere for a catch-up, and if they agree, make sure you don’t rake over the past at that lunch, but ask what they’ve been up to, show a normal interest in both their lives/ jobs etc. and tell them positive snippets of what you’ve been up to.
Finish up by saying it’s been lovely to see you both, hope we can do it again some time, then leave it a few weeks before getting in touch again.
The more you push, the more they will pull.
If the above is unpalatable, that’s fine, but you are unlikely to make them relish your company through guilt tripping, or endeavouring to show them that you are right and they were wrong.

I agree that sending furniture was overstepping the mark a bit but that alone clearly doesn’t justify going NC.

What happened when you were cross with your son when her whole family came to the lunch? Did you maybe say hurtful or unfair things about her and / or her family?

If not, it seems your son is really overreacting but it’s hard without context.

I think it might sound manipulative to tell him his minimal contact is making you and your DH ill. I would ease off - tell him you love him and your DIL, that you are sorry for past behaviours that have upset them and that you won’t do these things again, and that you are always there when he wants to talk. Then stop persisting, and let him come to you.

You said you were upset when so many of her family showed up for lunch, which I understand, but what did you say to your son? You said you told him off, but did you really go over the line? It's very hard if not impossible to disguise being angry, so do you think your reaction humiliated your son and DIL in front of her family?

I have to say, the furniture thing seems WAY over the top to me. A small gift is one thing, but something like a major piece of furniture needs to be offered but discussed first. Maybe your DIL and son don't share the same taste as you do and just sending something to them seems very controlling. This is their new home to decorate, not yours. I don't think too many people would be thrilled with a "surprise" of furniture that they weren't even consulted about.

Another thing that sends up red flags to me is that you and your husband seem to be quite manipulative and passive-aggressive. You say you felt like a guest at your sons wedding. Well, you were, first of all, but did you have an attitude that day that was noticeable? Blaming your son for making you ill is also a very counterproductive way to try and fix your relationship. It's very emotionally manipulative. You say your son didn't tell you he was moving until 3 weeks before. Perhaps there's a reason for this.

Right. I'm going to be tough. It might be helpful.

1. You were guests at the wedding. Traditionally, it's organised by the bride. You don't sound like gracious, appreciative guests. I wonder if you were rude.

1. In your DIL's culture, immediate family probably has a different meaning. Your cultural meaning of 'immediate' doesn't trump theirs. Surely you were aware there was the potential for misunderstanding when people of different cultures marry and wanted to avoid silly things causing unnecessary offence?

1. You were out of order to throw a tantrum at your DS about too many guests turning up. What did you expect him to do? Tell his new parents that some of their number aren't welcome? Surely you wouldn't expect him to cause such offence to a family he'd just married into? And surely you could held your tongue just for once? You were immature.

1. I can't imagine why you thought choosing their furniture would be welcomed. Most parents, if they want to treat in this way, offer to pay. They don't claim the right to choose! How would you like it if another woman had chosen the furniture for your new home? That was controlling and seems attention-seeking. Wasn't there a small part of you that knew they'd prefer vouchers in the mail? Or at least to be asked if they'd like the item, rather than be presented with a delivery man?!

1. Your son did not make you ill. Your husband told your son he was responsible for your illnesses?! You are responsible for your own reactions. No one can make someone else ill. Especially when they have brought their own mistakes to the situation.

1. Your son can work where he wants, for whoever he wants. He can see his in laws as often as he wants. Don't brood about his choices as if he's somehow slighting you. It's clear he's avoiding your disapproval because you wouldn't hold your tongue about matters that don't concern you.

1. You will get lots of sympathy at gransnet where there are lots of excommunicated grandparents who can't think why their children are being so unreasonable. If you actually want a relationship with your son, stay here.

1. It may be too late to rectify this. You certainly can do nothing in the short-term but respect their wishes. In the longer term, there may be an opportunity for a complete apology. I suggest you use this time to reflect and think how you could avoid this happening again, if you got the chance to be part of their lives again. That's not to say they're perfect. But you can only change you.

I think there's definitely two sides to this story. Sending them unasked for furniture was clearly overstepping their boundaries as a couple. She's not wrong to want to include her culture in the wedding, when you said you felt like guests, you were guests! I agree you should leave it for now and he'll contact you when he does..

OP I've just realised who you are. I think you need to have a think about your behaviour, and consider how you are towards your children's in-laws.

Oh dear. Is there a backstory here @Fenella?

I think you need to listen to your son. Do you have an email address for him? Ask him to email you back so to tell you what you have done to upset him and promise to listen to his response and work on how you treat him so you no longer do the things which upset them. And you need to apologise for the way you have behaved.

@peachgreen OP was most put out that her daughter's MIL wasn't treated as an outsider at the DD's wedding....

Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.

I got married several decades ago and, as the daughter of much older and very old-fashioned parents, my parents paid for our wedding. Consequently, the wedding was 99% organised by my parents and me.

MIL must have felt like a guest at her son’s wedding because that’s pretty much what she was. She didn’t organise anything, she didn’t pay for anything and she was a PITA about everything we organised. I had to put up with 18 months of sly little digs about everything we were organising. We told her what the main colours were (dark green and dark red) and she wore grey and orange.

Twenty-odd years on she remembers the day fondly, and talks about how lovely it was. I doubt she remembers any of the trouble she caused.

Everything that @mypointofview said.

I feel very sorry for the pain you are feeling, birdladyhomealone. Really hope this situation can be resolved satisfactorily for all. Whatever the details, cutting you off is OTT. I honestly believe your son will miss you and be reconciled with you eventually.

In the meantime I'm wishing you peace. I hope you and your husband's health improves.

Like some of the other posters I suspect there are some cultural differences at play here which perhaps caused the situation.

To be honest in most weddings the family of the groom play a lesser role that the family of the bride as most times the bride is organising the wedding and her family get more involved. This was particularly the case in a more complicated wedding.

I think you were inadvertently rude about the guests the next day. My husband is English and I know his family would have had the same response as you (been put out by extra guests) but in my family you would be expected to put up and shut up and do your best to make the guests comfortable. (Also on my side there is less formality about visiting and giving prior notice). Your son might feel that his in-laws have made massive concessions to welcome him to the family (including judgement from their community) and there was not the same level of welcome and adjustment from your side.

The furniture as a gift was well intentioned but I think it was a bit overpowering. A voucher would have been better.

I would send a letter apologising in a very short way and say that you miss them and would like to connect again. Let them come to you when they want to on their terms. Life is too short to not make your best effort to resolve this.

There have been "big arguments", you say. At the wedding lunch, your son became emotional. He doesn't want to speak to you because it will only end in an almighty show-down, he says to his sisters.

You skip over these fundamentally important pieces of information, but give a lot of details about your generosity.

I have a friend who has not seen son's family for years. Her son answers the phone occasionally, but he is awkward and cold. She was at fault, but it annoys me that she makes excuses and won't take responsibility for HER words and actions. Frankly, I don't blame her son for being hurt and angry.

If you don't want to end up like my friend then you need to get to the bottom of the damage you appear to have caused. Find out what grieves them, from your daughters. Write them a letter and take full responsibility. Understand that the wounds won't heal quickly, but may take time.

Good luck!

There are two sides to every story, but the tale with the furniture says a lot. I like treating other people, but to throw money around like that without even asking them for their preference (for something they will live with on a daily basis) is extremely controlling. I would have sent the van away too, as having it delivered would be seen as accepting it as a gift. That is a dreadful position to put people in. You said they wanted it but could not afford it. Perhaps they had set a goal of saving for it. To buy such an item without considering their feelings was disrespecting them. It sounds very odd that you get pissed off at more people turning up for dinner (you could have had food delivered, or improvised) Yet you want to be in control and flash your money around? As I said, two sides to every story, and I should think you're not squeaky clean.

What did you say to the daughter-in-law's family when 40 of them turned up for lunch? Did you send someone out for more food and welcome them in? Or did you refuse to entertain them?

Immediate family means different things to different people.

I can understand you being hurt that your furniture gift was rejected, but you really should have discussed it with the couple first. Furnishing their first home - they probably had a wishlist of items, and didn't appreciate your choice.

Trying to emotionally blackmail your son by telling him about your ulcers and your husband's depression is going to backfire on you massively, I'm afraid.

Yes I've just read some of OP's other posts and it seems like the main issue is her reaction to DS's decision to live near DIL's parents.

I think to resolve the issue, you need to make amends with your DIL and your DS. Ask them to dinner and apologise for whatever you said. You may have said things about your DIL or her family, which your DS is hurt about. Explain why you were cross and that you spoke in haste. Tell them you miss them and you would like to mend your relationship. Be honest and no guilt trip or blaming.

If my mother in law bought me furniture I would feel so uncomfortable. It's completely overstepping the mark and would have looked very controlling. For any big purchases like that, it's a lovely gesture to offer some money to help (although some couples would still refuse) but more than that is an act of asserting your control over your son tbh.

You really need to step back and think about how heavy handed you have been in the past with regards other things.