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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

522 replies

birdladyfromhomealone · 25/09/2018 15:00

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

OP posts:
suzy10 · 30/09/2018 22:45

Hi CesiraAndEnrico, if you google 'Talking Therapies', this should come up with local NHS Counselling services in your area which are free to access, they are there to help anyone who wishes to seek help with mental health issues such as stress or anxiety. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is used in 'Talking Therapies'. CBT is available on the NHS for people suffering with depression, anxiety disorders and other mental health problems.

CesiraAndEnrico · 01/10/2018 06:59

blue

I found a good place to start was searching for phycologists who have made estranged parents of adult children one of the focuses of their practice. A lot of them have websites of resources for prospective clients and are packed out with advice for the parents. It's a good introduction because as you read another and another and another, it builds up a picture of the common themes and approaches in evidence informed practice, but it's written for lay people, so it's a very accessible read . Which is helpful when you are finding your feet. Worth reading articles they've contributed to and interviews they've given too. Via all of that reading you'll start to see repeated references to studies or named researchers cropping up.

Google the studies/researchers. At this point my advice is to have your handbag handy. Being stuck in Abstract Only Land is not very satisfying. Pay walls abound. Some of them were way too expensive for me, when that happens it's a case of back to google and scroll through the piles of results looking for detailed comment and discussion of those studies/researchers written by professionals for professionals.

suzy

Thank you for your concern love, but I don't live in Britain.

Sarahlou04 · 09/08/2019 23:47

Going nc is cruel mean and spiteful, I wish these ac knew what they were doing, they should look at overall picture and innocent people / children involved.....

BlankTimes · 10/08/2019 00:33

Zombie thread

Z.....O......M......B......I.......E

Bravelurker · 10/08/2019 02:38

I felt like I'd read this before about half way through the Op. My memory isn't as fucked as I thought Grin

Andromeida59 · 10/08/2019 05:45

I know it's a Zombie thread but who on Earth would buy furniture for someone's house without discussing it? If my MIL did that I'd also send it back.

user1480880826 · 10/08/2019 06:46

Sending someone furniture is not appropriate. I would be really annoyed if someone did this for me.

Getting angry that 40 instead of 12 turned up was silly. Yea, you might have worried that you looked mean because you didn’t have enough food/drink but imagine how it looked to your DIL’s family seeing you angry at their arrival. You know what a big deal the meeting of the families was given that it took her 11 years to tell her family about her relationship with your son. They were obviously trying to make sure everything ran perfectly (including telling you what to wear and how to behave) because they were desperate to keep her family happy. If they were upset it might have ruined their entire future. Maybe they would have disowned her. I think you needed to be a bit more sensitive of this added layer of complexity when they got married.

About them moving to be near her family - while they lived in London she went home every weekend. She obviously wasn’t going to suddenly start seeing less of them because she was married. And if they have their own family she will want to be near her mum and she won’t want to spend hours every week traveling. Also, perhaps she would have moved home to be near them years ago if it hadn’t been for her relationship with your son in London.

Finally, blaming your son for your illnesses was not a smart move. He will think you’re trying to guilt trip him.

Write him a letter. Tell him you’re very sorry and that you now realise how your behaviour must have looked. Tell him you are desperate to see them both when they are ready.

MiddleLane · 10/08/2019 06:48

@user1480880826

ZOMBIE thread.

daisychain01 · 10/08/2019 07:51

The fact you describe your motives for the furniture as It was done through love and generousity nothing more. speaks volumes about how far removed you are from their perspective and needs. It sounds like you're trying too hard, and over-investing in their lives. They are autonomous adults who have a right to make their own choices. Offering them money towards furniture of their choice would have been perceived as less controlling.

If all you and your DH ever do is view things from your perspective, your feelings, your illnesses, your, your, your ...etc, can't you see that's why DS and DIL have gone out of your life?

daisychain01 · 10/08/2019 07:52

Ah another reminder as to why I hate Zombie threads

Satsuma1234 · 10/08/2019 07:53

Oh for god sake, what a waste of my time this morning. I thought this sounded familiar.

IrisAtwood · 10/08/2019 07:59

I have definitely read this OP’s story before.

IrisAtwood · 10/08/2019 08:00

Oh FFS. Zombie.

DerelictWreck · 10/08/2019 08:09

@Sarahlou04 why?!

lunar1 · 10/08/2019 08:14

I hope you are back in contact with your DS now @birdladyfromhomealone

Postmissposte · 10/08/2019 08:14

What happened to the zombie thread warning?

angell84 · 10/08/2019 08:25

Sadly, wives and mother in laws often do not get on. And the man has to choose a side. It looks like he has chosen his wife. She sounds very controlling
It is very sad for you. I would get ine of your daughters to say to him how sad you are, that life is very short and he needs to build bridges

KUGA · 10/08/2019 08:27

I am so sorry for you both.
Thats a sorry state of an affair. My advise would be to back off. I know its making you both ill,and your son ignores call`s etc.
So maybe if you stop contacting him,in time he will come round.
Especially if a little one arrives,that may make him think?.

llangennith · 10/08/2019 08:37

@Sarahlou04
Why suddenly respond to a thread from last October?!

ZOMBIE THREAD

amusedbush · 10/08/2019 09:09

I got halfway through the OP before I realised I'd read it before. Stop resurrecting zombie threads!

Riverviews · 10/08/2019 09:10

The iPhone 8 app doesn't show dates for threads. It's not possible to find out when it was stated

Sparklingbrook · 10/08/2019 09:11

When people ask what the problem is with reviving Zombie threads, this is a prime example.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/08/2019 09:36

Why is this thread showing up in the 'trending now' window when it's a year old?

daisychain01 · 10/08/2019 09:38

Don't get me started on Zombie threads @Sparklingbrook Grin

@Postmissposte the Zombie reminder only seems to appear the first time someone tries to post to it again, after that the reminder disappears.

The words chocolate and fireguard spring to mind ....

daisychain01 · 10/08/2019 09:39

Trending means lots of people are posting onto the thread now, like we are. It doesn't matter when the thread was started.