9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

I agree with pps. You need to accept this. And apologise for upsetting them and tell them you love them both.

Your ds has married into a traditional Asian? Family. His wife told you her family would be destroyed for her being with a white man. Despite this she chose to be with your son and to marry him. She also (perhaps) persuaded her family to accept you. She therefore took a lot of risk to be with him.

When her family, perhaps against the odds accepted you, in their POV, you threw it in their faces by getting angry when 40, not 12 people showed up. This is all a clash of culture.

Additionally his wife may have been brought up to not shame the family. Getting upset with her family and spending a lot of money on unrequested furniture has been very much misinterpreted and there is a lot of ways her parents could feel ashamed from both of those gestures. Or maybe your dil sees is as shameful to be given presents as it means your ds cannot provide for his wife. We simply don’t know.

His wife may have even told him to choose her or you. Whatever the back story, you cannot control your ds’s behaviour. One thing for sure you are thrusting a lot of guilt on your ds and by implication his wife. They may also be getting guilted from her family too.

Spend the money you would have spent on them on some therapy for you and your dh. Maybe your ds will come back one day but for now, you need to find a way to accept his choices.

You would get on well with my dps mum.

From dils side:
We had 2 lovely weddings to make both cultures included-mil wasn't happy.
Mil threw a brunch for our immediate families- mil kick off because I brought to many people
We delayed telling mil we were moving because we know there would be some sort of issue. True to form-without any consolation- she sent furniture she had chosen for our new home. We rejected it as we were so excited to put our own stamp on the place.

There are two sides.

So sorry OP, it must be heartbreaking for you. I am mum to 2 DS’ it’s my worst nightmare to be estranged from them, I don’t know what it would do to me.

A friend of mine is having similar issues with her DS, it is causing her immense pain, she is giving them space at the moment with minimal contact and hopes with time the issues can be resolved.

I hope the situation improves soon for you too.

Looks like the title of the next Stately Homes thread would be "But we bought you furniture."

stressed, it sounds like you are the OPs DIL...

it wasn't being rude when extra family turned up - just that your daughter in law is from another culture - I learnt long ago to ask who was likely to come & to cater for more - you were judging things from your perspective - but that is past. If you want to get on with your ds & dil you will have to take time & be tactful - bite your tongue (however hard or unreasonable it might seem) because what you want is to have a good relationship with them, Write an apology to both of them & say you didn't mean to offend them. I suspect your dil thought you were trying to bribe her & if she & her husband (your ds) have worked hard for him to accepted I am afraid you haven't helped. This may sound a harsh its not meant to be judgmental because I understand that the different culture behaviour was hard for you to understand or accept (& you may have felt it was rude to you) I am seriously trying to help (from a lifetime of experience :) ) because all you want is to be accepted by them again - apologising may feel unjust to you but if you want this to work its the only thing you can do

OP pretty much everything's been covered by others on here, but this jumped out for me:

Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned

You shouldn't expect your DD's to resolve it for you. Stop putting them in the middle and tell them you don't expect them to sort it out for you. Make it clear to them it's fine for them to keep out of it and to have their own relationships with their brother. If they keep trying to 'resolve' things, their brother with probably end up going NC with them too. It's your issue, not theirs.

Aside from that, if you genuinely want to build bridges with your son, maybe try writing him a letter telling him you're sorry for anything you've done to hurt him and his wife, that you miss them and that you would love the chance to move forward and be a part of their lives. Have you tried anything like that?

Sounds like a bit of a culture clash to me.........my brother has an Asian family who live opposite and it amazes me how many people they squeeze into an average sized house during gatherings. They all come out in a massive line.

So only offering to host 12 could be seen as a massive snub. That said I think your son and his wife are being dicks and could have handled all of this differently.

You don't pick someone's furniture for them. You say I want to help/treat you here's the £. That flags up that you overstep boundaries and, I'm sorry, but it's very controlling. Two weddings if diff cultures are involved is normal. I don't see the problem with being told etiquette for a culturally different ceremony. The wedding meal was crossed wires, not the end of the world. You need to make amends IMO or he's going to keep gravitating to his wife's family.

Right. So the furniture thing was bad (unless you knew they wanted specifically what you sent them). Telling him about you DH being ill was also a bad idea (it puts more stress on him and actually makes you look manipulative). To me it just seems like he is bending backwards to try to get in with her family. Arguably he should need to but if he feels like he wants to for his wife's sake you should be supportive of that. The rest all seems pretty inane. Clearly some has overreacted here. Either you have done something to your DIL that you don't mention/spoken negatively about her to your son or she has really overreacted. I'm not entirely sure what you can do at this point without the full story.

Firstly I’m really sorry your having such a hard time. Being a mother in law isn’t easy. I know you’ve spent a great deal of effort and love creating a wonderful family life but you don’t own your son and he owes you nothing. Family life changes when our children become adults. We parents move from the centre of family life to the outer edges. In my opinion realising and accepting that is the first thing you need to do. Then back off completely, leave them alone, no messages, no calls. Use this time to get used to being a couple again. Find things for you and your husband to do together. Spend your children’s inheritance. There are some advantages to adult children moving away yes you can discuss your pain or how to find a solution but honestly don’t wallow it will make you both ill, unhappy or probably both. In time you can send a message apologising and ask for contact. You’ve got a life beyond your children so live it.oh and by the way do visit gransnet there is only one thread about estrangement all the rest would give you advice and support much the same as here. Bye the bye congratulations on rearing a good man who knows where his priorities lie......with his wife not his mother.

Oh dear Op. I can fully see where you are coming from, I think some of it is unfortunate (the furniture, you were trying to do a nice thing and it backfired) other parts you are at fault, don't ever try to guilt trip when relationships are low and it is traditional for the brides parents to throw the wedding and invite the grooms parents you should have just been polite and gone with it and enjoyed it. Other parts your DS and DIL are at fault, they should have warned you how many people would have come for dinner and helped you to navigate through the cultural differences of the new relationship, which would also have included the wedding which I guess was a bit different to how you would have envisioned it.

I think you just have to sit it out and try and build bridges where possible. Don't try and put across you're point of view, on some things you are wrong, but they will not acknowledge the opposite either so its easier to just try and move on when given the opportunity. Don't share your hurt with them, don't try and justify your errors to them and let the wrongs that have been done to you, whether perceived or real, go and hopefully one day you will be able to have a good relationship again.

OP am very sad for you, you obviously have a lot going on and it is causing you and your DH much pain.
What was the furniture? My DM bought Ex-h and I a bed when we were first married, but she knew where the boundaries were and would not have if she thought it would offend or be like saying "you cant afford it bit we can".
Just a side note - a relative of mine when in the wrong ALWAYS uses her kids/her health/life to take the pressure off of herself and gets the sympathy card - it annoys the hell out of the rest of us to the point where her brother has cut all contact. Please dont be that person who never takes the blame and uses other issues to cloud the situation. Your and your DH health is your business, your son doesnt need to know x

Geraldine170 no defiantly not the dil but I have had a good few similar incidents with my dp's mum.

The wedding was about 5 years ago. Most of the stuff you are talking about seems quite a long time ago. What happened 9 months ago?

It’s hard to know what’s gone on in the past that has resulted in DS and DSIL going NC.

It is hard steering a course when families are ‘joined’ together through the marriage of their DC. When different cultures are involved then that’s a whole other area for potential misunderstandings and misinterpretations to happen.

From what you say, neither the wedding or the furniture delivery sound enough to justify your DS going NC. As others have said, it’s virtually impossible and rather presumptuous to send furniture to someone else without them having chosen it. Forty people turning up to eat where 12 were expected also sounds an unfortunate and tricky misunderstanding.

When you think of other situations where you have come into contact with DIL and her family how did they go. Were you respected and treated nicely. Did you respect and treat them nicely.

My DD married within our culture but we are not observant or religious compared with DSILs parents. I Considered myself very much a guest at their wedding because that’s what I was. I am really aware that DSIL and his parents have their own points of view, own lives and that we are equals. I send DSILs mum pictures of the DGCs when I visit as they do me. We meet for coffee, we send cards at holidays and birthdays and I feel as they are to parents my DD loves and is married to, it’s important to treat them with kindness and consideration. I don’t think it’s ok to express an opinion re our grown up DCs career choices beyond asking if they’re happy because that’s all that should matter (as long as they are doing something lawful and that doesn’t hurt themselves or others).

Do you think both sides in your situation could ‘start again ‘ somehow. To apologise for anything you might have said or done to cause ill feeling and to express your wish to build up a relationship again? As others have said it’s best to start small with perhaps a card and a letter. SayIng you’d like to try, with their help, to heal the rift between you?

I hope there’s some way you can resolve this because life really is too short for grudges. Obviously abuse or real nastiness/vindictiveness of any kind is a different matter and one where NC is absolutely justifiable.

It can be very hard for some parents to accept the changing dynamics when their children make adult relationships and another family is the main one for one of the couple. This is especially true where the birth family has been very close. You forget at your peril OP that whatever you say to your son will almost certainly be relayed immediately to your daughter in law. Many parents learn the hard way that the son or daughter they once could say anything to now has different priorities and that it is best to tread carefully.

I am guessing that you probably liked it when the prospective daughter in law mainly stayed at your place. Of course she would be polite and fit in with your ways and wishes under those circumstance and it would probably seem to you that your ideas culture and wishes would continue to prevail and you could still be central in your son's life. The sending furniture you thought they would like, although a kind and generous gesture, is an example of still wishing to be in control.

The culture clash over numbers invited to your home could have been handled more graciously as even telling son off graciously would get back to dil who would probably tell her parents. You should have laughed it off and sent your son out for Pizza or something.

All you can do is learn from your mistakes as many a parent before you has had to do when adjusting. You're not the first and you won't be the last. Tread carefully bite your tongue even when you are right and hopefully things will resolve. Good luck

That should have read - as they are the parents of the man DD loves and is married to, it is important to treat them with kindness and consideration.

You come across as very controlling and resentful OP, especially after reading your other posts (pointed out by previous posters).

You've left out a fair bit of back story: for example, your DIL's reaction to the unwanted furniture makes more sense knowing you bought them a house they didn't want, in order to keep them close to you.

You need to take a step back and realise that your children are adults, who control their own lives and who are in no way obliged to consider you when making decisions. If your son has decided to base his life around where his wife is happiest, then you have to accept it. Properly accept it and support them, which at the moment it really doesn't sound like you are (blaming them for your DH's depression is foul behaviour).

As someone who has an overbearing MIL, who did a similar thing to the furniture thing OP did, I do have to agree with what StressedToTheMaxx has written down as possibly being the other side to the story. Sometimes things get lost in translation and what one person things is a nice thing to do actually is upsetting to another or comes across like asserting authority.

OP, I think a little break may be needed and then a chat to try to patch things up but without you placing blame on son and wife for illness as I don't think guilt tripping will help.

I definitely can see why she would object to a surprise delivery of furniture I think almost anyone would object to that - if you wanted to help why not give them a lump sum to choose their own? The rest of it is hard to pull apart. I don't see the wedding being a huge problem - it's for the bride and groom to plan and if they were happy with how it went you shouldn't be the ones to kick up a fuss. The large number of family members for lunch would be a bit annoying but it's only one day.

It sounds a bit like you were close to Ddil and felt usurped when her family came on the scene. That's understandable but perhaps your reaction has pushed DS away.

kally OP bought them a HOUSE they didn't want?!

Sorry but to me you sound a lot like my mum. She is bitterly jealous of all her childrens' inlaws, although she'd never admit it. It's just a constant drip, drip, drip of poison. Or grandstanding with extravagant gifts, eg furniture, which scream 'see, I'm the best MIL'. Eventually the children feel the need to pick a size an inevitably it's never the jealous mum.

Agree with mypointofview

Additionally, your whole post smacks of jealousy and disapproval that he hs dared move near her family and dote on her etc etc. Why shouldn’t he? I’m actually a bit 😱 at your attitude and lack of understanding about what has gone wrong. He loves her and she is his wife. He will not choose you over her. My advise is that you need to try to make amends with her, and with him; otherwise accept that you will be NC.

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