9 months on I am grieving for the loss of my son - he has gone NC on us

[birdladyfromhomealone]

I will try not to drip feed, but I am devastated that our son has chosen to cut us out of his life.
Every night I go to sleep thinking about him and wake up in the morning with a pit in my stomach.
I have spoken to him several times since Feb on his terms, when he will allow me to but he refuses to meet us, as he says it will just be another arguement.
Our DS met his DW at uni 11 years ago, she is from a different culture but born here.
For 5 years she kept our DS secret from her family, she had to go home EVERY weekend. Even though she was living with our DS, having a relationship with us, lived with us whilst they flat hunted, holiday's, meals out, staying over etc
She was treated very well by us and was one of the family. Me and my 2 DD and her used to go for spa days, nights out etc .
We all got on.
Then my DS proposed with my DM engagement ring .
A huge diamond with rubies,
We arranged to have it made into a solitare and the rubies into earrings.
This was a huge thing for me to pass on my DM ring, I wanted my DS to give it to her as we loved her.
After they got engaged she told her family and my DS was welcomed into their family ( she said it would destroy her family for her to be with a white man)
Her parents arranged 2 weddings one for their religion and one civil white wedding.
We felt like guests at our sons wedding.
We were told what to wear and how and when to behave.
The next day 40 of the brides family turned up at ours for lunch. We invited her immediate family only.
I told my son off and he got very emotional. I admit I was cross
After that things were never the same.
A year after they got married he gave up a city job in London to work for her father, moved 300miles and moved in with them.
He told us 3 weeks before he moved although they had been planning it for months.
They then bought a house just down the road so she still sees her family daily.
I bought them a surprise of some furniture for their new home, she refused to let the delivery driver take it off the van.
We then had a huge row as she said I disrespected her.
We have not seen them since.
My DH told our DS it had made us ill.
My DH has gone on antidepressants and I have been diagnosed with stomach ulcers.
Our DS reacted very badly to be told this and said he does not have a DF anymore.
Our 2 DD are stuck in the middle as they still see their DB and DSIL (once or twice since) but cant try to resolve this for our family as DS goes off on one if our names are mentioned.
For the last 11 yrs we have been a very close family, holidays, nights out, weekend breaks.
We are devastated by this but there is no talking to our DS he hangs up on us or ignores messages.

I thought Trending was determined by clicks not posts. So people are clicking onto it realising it's a Zombie and hiding it probably.

You were guests at their wedding. What else are you meant to be? King and queen?

Don't order other people furniture.

Don't interfere. Back off.

@Cobblersandhogwash

Why don't people check the last post? This is a ZOMBIE THREAD.

If this is all there is to it then they are being absolutely ridiculous.
My family is entirely multicultural, chinese, Indian, you name it and we've never had problems like this.
I would just sit back and wait it out, once they have been married for a while and the infatuation wears off and he starts to get a bit fed up with the inlaws he will certainly start thinking about mum and dad again and stop being ridiculous.
My son has gone through phases of this it's part of growing up really - taking offence at everything.
Seriously don't worry he will come back again, this will not mean a lifetime of NC.
Her family sounds pretty high maintenance to me and totally unaccepting of your culture rather than vice versa. We had to put up with this kind of thing when we lived abroad with my stepfathers family and quite honestly it all settles down eventually.

Zombie

I know it's a zombie but I still can't belive anger was first emotion when 40 turned up.
Surely anyone would just laugh? And make the best of it? They hosted you for two days

OMFG
@MNHQ for the love of God please archive these old threads!

Buying furniture for your DS/DIL ie someone else's house is a very weird bordering on controlling thing to do.

You have been told this on your other threads (I assume there can only be one furniture buying in laws

Well I didn't click the date and thought you were posting again rather than it be a zombie 🧵

Clearly a zombie but I wonder how OP is getting on now.

Ffs yes zombie but I remember reading it the first time.

The sending of 'the furniture for their house' that pp keep assuming was actually a rattan garden set which they son and his madam wife had admired but mentioned they couldn't afford. What's wrong with sending her son a gift of something they had liked but been unable to buy for themselves??

Then the madam wife phoned the op, not to thank her but to insult her for the gift as she hadn't 'ran it past her first'. So this mother is being told she can't send a gift to her son for his garden??!!!!!!

Not to mention the racist family and their lies and hypocrisy amongst them all. Disgusting people.

Op, if you're still reading I hope you're doing well. Yes, undoubtedly you have made some mistakes but the biggest issue to blame here in my eyes is her and her racist, rude and controlling family. I say this as someone who is now NC with my own MIL for her controlling ways and lack of boundaries.

Step back and be there when he eventually comes to you.

I think this is a reverse.
DD/DS switch
Culture switch

Ugh ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️

I think you've had this thread before I remember the surprise furniture. People told you then that was a bad idea, but you don't seem to have taken that on board. If you can't listen to people, you won't ever change and it will never be resolved.

I feel you could have done more in understanding how to relate with Asian families. Maybe you were naive. Especially if it's wedding related or in the beginning throes. I'm Asian, when we have family gatherings all is welcome. Cousins , Aunts. You can't not assume only immediate family is invited. We don't treat our extended families like 2nd best. Even if you didn't have enough food, you should have welcomed them in your house at least with an offer of a cup of tea. Its much about them approving you as the other way round.

I think some lines have crossed. I've not read the whole thread so will report back later. Sorry you are suffering though but one thing for sure, respect in Asian families is very seriously not taken for granted. It needs to be earnt.

I’m going NC with @sarahlou04 🙄 what a pointless message to reanimate a thread with.

So she must be Sikh, Muslim or Hindu.
40 people for a wedding lunch is nothing in their cultures! I went to a Hindu wedding once and after the actual ceremony, there were 400 relatives and relatives of relatives, neighbours and workmates!

Glad to hear that your son is happy.

I understand what you are saying. Perhaps you could ask your son or DIL to write to you and explain what it is you have done to offend anyone. That is wasn’t ever your intention to do so.
Could they help you understand the differences in her culture that brought this about?
If they will write to you, can’t argue with a letter, Accept their point of view unreservedly and you take some time before you reply or try to make contact.

Do you live near a ‘church’ of theirs. ie: Muslim=Mosque
Ask the iman to help you understand what has caused this. Then you might be able to bring the whole family together again.
I’m sorry that are upset and that he felt he had to go NC, that must’ve been some argument!

Hi OP. I feel very sad for your situation. You obviously love your son very much. It sounds like your sons DW is controlling.

I would give him space. He knows you love him and and there for him but honestly, I don’t think he’s interested right now.

He will be interested again one day. Please just give him some space. Text him again in a month or two, nothing too intense, just simply something like....”love you. Here for you whenever you’re ready” and be there for him when things inevitably go wrong with their relationship.

OP is long gone I fear. It's been nearly a year.

Bah I was hoping for a dramatic update but its just another zombie

I think that you overstepped the mark in ordering furniture for their house. It was a kind gesture, but should have been discussed with them first. Obviously they are excited about their first home together and furnishing it. Both her , your son and you are navigating those difficult few years renegotiating the terms of your relationships. Your son is probably cross because he feels bad at being pulled indifferent directions. If he's feeling pressurised, then I doubt he wants to deal with the additional guilt of being blamed for your ill health. It sounds like he's under a fair bit of pressure right now trying to adjust to a new job and relationships. Son's can also be notoriously bad at communicating with their parents or recommunicating their wives wishes as don't want to be the piggy in the middle. You have too choices. One is to write to him telling him how you understand that he needs his space from you and that, you are always his parents and will love him and hopefully in time you will hear back from him(keep it light hearted and put nothing in it that makes him feel guilty. Apologise if needs be for anything you feel you need to. Alternatively by pass him and see if you can communicate with his wife(if that is an option). If she is wanting to be in control and sees you as a result threat, then this could allow her to feel more in control and takes the pressure off your son. I doubt that he wants nothing more to do with you. You are catastrophising. Esp if he is still happy to talk once in a while on the phone. It sounds like he's just fed up with the arguments and pressure that he's under.

Ffs it wasn't for the house it was garden furniture which the op new they liked but couldn't afford. The wife objected to it being gifted because the op didn't run it past the gatekeeper first!! Very controlling and ungrateful behaviour on the dial part.

Anyway, it's little surprise that op has de-registered her MN account. Posting something so emotional then to be bashed by buffoons who can't even read and comprehend the thread properly