Have I been cruel to my baby?

[NameC123]

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

Someone with a sodding nanny going on at OP about how she should never have left her child for a minute and that people shouldn't have children if they struggle with being tired is either being deliberately goady or is incredibly stupid. I'm happy to accept you're the latter if you'd like.

OP please don’t feel bad. Nothing bad is going to happen to your baby. Don’t beat yourself up!

I'm with LisaSimpsonbff, it's attitudes like this that make me terrified of how I would look after 2 children. Some babies can't be put down or left without crying and most of us can't afford a nanny.

Someone with a sodding nanny going on at OP about how she should never have left her child for a minute and that people shouldn't have children if they struggle with being tired is either being deliberately goady or is incredibly stupid. I'm happy to accept you're the latter if you'd like

It's very mumsnet though basically telling us they can't look after their own kid full time but you're a shit mother if you can't cope if you do. Talk about projecting guilt

Won't do no harm ??? Ffs

Mumsnet is such a toxic environment sometimes. Anyone vulnerable is made to feel twenty times worse. I hope you're ok OP and can move on from this and feel better about yourself.

OP I hope your okay
You were not sitting in the bath reading a book with a face mask on while your baby whinging/crying, you were sitting in the bath crying yourself obviously feeling mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted so please stop being so hard on yourself. You are not a terrible a person for this and the guilt you a feeling shows this, you need to talk to your DP about him being more hands on. You are growing another beautiful baby that needs you to be relaxed and less stressed

I'm OK, I've come to expect a harsh tone from some parts of mumsnet but felt yesterday that I deserved nothing less

I do think about the level of help I'm going to need from DP when DC2 arrives, I'm aware I'm at a heightened risk of PND and so that is a worry. When DS1 was born he was pretty hands on (more so than he is now) but he didn't take any paternity leave so I do worry about the first few weeks with two young children if he decides not to take any this time.

My mum does offer help from time to time but I don't think it's fair for a woman of her years to be thrown back into looking after young children as she's not in the best of health so I'd rather struggle a bit than put upon her

Wait until you hear your 4 year old mutter "for fuck sake" under his breathe haha. You did the right thing. They are testing you constantly - anyone suggesting you should run in straight away every time is a moron. DC turned and smiled, if that doesn't say I'm just testing I don't know what does.

Those sayimg you should run in straight away: are just creating needy children that will never learn to settle themselves and probably never learn to amuse themselves either.

@NameC123 oh my god you have done nothing wrong at all! Some may even say you did something very right! Maybe that little boy needed that to start the process of self settling and also you came back and he was thrilled obviously and smiling so now he has maybe learnt that you will always be back for him.

Your partner has to go to sleep as soon as he gets back from work, this is not normal what he does (unless he was a single man who could then get a full afternoons/nights sleep afterwards).

With a baby/family he absolutely needs to basically get home, shower and SLEEP! He could get a solid 5/6 hours in after his night shift that way and be up for the whole evening helping with the baby. He'd feel so much better too.

This is what any nurses/doctors I know do after there night shifts if they have babies, or even if they don't tbh. Its really just normal to do that after working all night, its kind of the point

@Witchofwisteria wise words, totally agree with this

I've been wanting to speak to my GP about a low mood for a while now but have held back because I didn't want people to think I can't cope. As a whole I cope just fine, but I do have moments where I just feel so sad.

The last thing I want or need would be a referral to social services from my GP if I ended up on antidepressants because that would only add to my stress.

I love my little boy very much, aside him being a very typical baby there has been some outside stressors (courtesy of DP) that made his first few months of life less enjoyable than they should have been so there's a few things going on in the background that I won't go into here because I don't want to derail the thread.

I am determined to be a better mum and a better me, all I can do is try my best and ensure he's never put secondary to my moment of weaknesses again

and it's obviously not 'working' for him if he is so shattered, he is building up a massive sleep debt basically and that is a recipe for disaster frankly whether another baby is on the way or not. He is going to crash

Anybody dramatising this and making it out to be awful should piss off! OP you did nothing bad and the immediate guilt afterwards is what tells you it wasn't an act of bloody abandonment! You are human. You are a mum. You needed help and half an hour to cry out your frustrations. This will have zero affect on your child honest to god. The world has gone mad. Be kind to yourself. With more experience as a mum you will look back on it one day and see it very differently.

You shouldn't be coping with this alone OP

I’m sorry but half an hour is way too long. Not sure why you feel guilty about swearing when you have much bigger issues on hand like a man child DP.

GP won’t refer ypu to social sercices for feeling low.

Oh fgs. It was clearly a "one off" half an hour. On a day that OP will remember and reflect on. It's not like she leaves the baby to scream all the time. I honestly wonder about some people

@SnuggyBuggy what you just said basically sums the whole thing up in one sentence. Everything else aside, this is the 'umbrella' that it all falls under basically. That the op is coping alone. Her partner is actually the catalyst to all this. If he started being sensible with his sleep and took over more in the late afternoon and evening I honestly think so much of this would be 100% easier, more enjoyable, and generally she just wouldn't feel the sadness she does

An attachment parent with a nanny so Mum can sleep during the day 😂 MN is hilariously bonkers!

You were not cruel OP. It's not ideal to leave a baby to cry but hardly the end of the world either. All these wonderful attachment parents are no doubt shoving their baby in the rearward facing car seat where they'll feel abandoned and cry for half an hour on the way to baby sensory yoga 🙄 and this comes from a SAHM who bedshares!

Children can be extremely trying.

@BuntyII this is the best thing ive ever read on mumsnet. Kudos Bunty, you have become my all time favorite poster

All these wonderful attachment parents are no doubt shoving their baby in the rearward facing car seat where they'll feel abandoned and cry for half an hour on the way to baby sensory yoga

With some parents there is so much of this hypocritical behavior and they are so un-self aware its beyond. Fathers included of course!

It's very interesting to hear peoples opinion's about DP. For some reason I've let him get away with parenting the absolute minimum because of his job working nights. I've grown to expect basically nothing from him and feel grateful for the times he takes DS with him to play on his PC game in the morning so I can get an extra hour in bed!

He's not doing me any favours by doing that, all he does is sit DS on his knee and then feed him if he's due a meal.

I actually feel uncomfortable raising it with him for him to go straight to bed because then I'd feel as though I'm nagging, but I will do it.

On top of looking after DS all day and doing the housework I also do all of the food shopping, cook for him on days he's working and act as his personal alarm clock getting him up for work because he's built up such a sleep debt he doesn't wake for shit, and if I didn't get him up he'd be late or miss work.

I've been a mug in overlooking everything purely because he's a good financial provider

Op we have all felt like this at times, it's like being backed into a corner with no escape route. You're not a bad mum
You didn't shout at or manhandle your baby. You had a bit of space, which I think you are perfectly entitled to do. Baby wasn't hysterically crying or in any danger.

Your dp needs a kick up the arse, no wonder you're knackered!

And to the poster who kangaroos her baby and doesn't leave it "for a minute" ...( except for when the hired help arrives of course)

“I've been a mug in overlooking everything purely because he's a good financial provider”

Yep. I’m glad we’ve helped you to realise it