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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:

AntiHop · 23/09/2018 23:58

You're not selfish and cruel op. You were having a bad day. I'm sure you child knows how much you love him.

TittyGolightly · 23/09/2018 23:58

And comparing the thought process of a baby crying in a cot to dumping an adult alone in the wilds is just insane.

Yes. Adults have rational thought. Babies do not. Which is why withdrawing from them is pretty cruel.

It’s bizarre. If an elderly adult was crying and nobody comforted them, that would be considered cruel/abusive. If you left them crying in pain and confusion for 30 minutes it would be considered cruel/abusive. Walking away and ignoring them could see a member of staff being sacked for giving inappropriate care.

But there are thousands of posts on here endorsing that treatment for tiny babies.

Not sure that’s the world I want to live in.

Babies are supposed to be inconvenient. They’re supposed to be needy. It’s how we’ve survived. Why are we so detached from being human?

PiggyPoos · 24/09/2018 00:00

It's not an elderly in pain adult though is it?

Are you high love?

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:00

Name-honestly, you've got to get a hold of yourself here. You are that little boy's mum. And you have to be a tiger now. That's what being a mum's about. Question yourself but don't doubt yourself and never doubt noone loves that little lad more than you and noone would do a better job. If you start letti g other people's opinions really get you down, it's a slippery slope as everyone's an expert when it comes to parenting. If YOU feel bad about what you did then try not to do it again and move on. I've had kids very close together like you and it is really, really hard. You will ignore your little one more than you like when the baby comes. But he will survive! And he will love you and adore you and love and adore his sibling too. You won't even remember this happening next week, unless you choose to dwell on it. Pleeeease, get this thread removed. It was a silly idea posting the question you did on here. It was a question for self reflection, and then move on. Anyway, rant over! I just really feel for you and think you sound a fantastic mum. Enjoy your baby and don't expect to be a perfect mum. And never, ever doubt you can do this, and do it well.

Original poster

NameC123 · 24/09/2018 00:01

It wasn't done out of spite, I broke down with emotion and was overwhelmed. I know that doesn't change anything and if I were reading this from somebody else I wouldn't have any sympathy. I'm not coping as well as I should be and I'm scared.

OP posts:

GlitterGlassEye · 24/09/2018 00:01

Half an hr is fine. Ignore these ppl who say it’s too long. What’s the difference really? The dc is in a safe place. Your dc can’t tell the time ffs. I had to use controlled crying with my ds at 9 months as he was awake every 45 minutes. It was hard, I cried but after 3 days, he went into his cot no bother. He’s 15 now and unaffected by it all.

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:03

Did you feel like this bad and out of control before, or just since you posted this thread?

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:04

To everyone saying this was a bad thing to do, it's been said enough now. Please leave this lady alone.

Cabochard · 24/09/2018 00:04

Sometimes babies cry because they have been overstimulated and need to cry and let it out!
They don’t always cry because of pain/ separation etc... they just do it!
It was a perfectly safe scinario that op worried about today.

PiggyPoos · 24/09/2018 00:05

OP you've got yourself into enough of a state about it without getting a completely unessecary kicking off here.

If you want some help chat to some people in real life, friends and your family.

For all we know Titty could be Gina Fording her kids and come in here to expunge her guilt.

Cabochard · 24/09/2018 00:06

And that was to titty btw.

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:07

I've seen the links you post, and they either just don't support what you're saying (like this one) or are laughably un- or poorly evidenced.

Support for what I was saying highlighted.

Some things are hard to evidence, due to lack of research or, more often, poorly conducted research (such as that around controlled crying/cry it out). Only a matter of time before the freebies on the maternity wards include ear plugs.

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:08

For all we know Titty could be Gina Fording her kids and come in here to expunge her guilt.

I wouldn’t piss on Gina fucking Ford if she was on fire.

NoMudNoLotus · 24/09/2018 00:09

OP please stand back from this thread now and make an appt with your GP.

You sound low and you need real life support.

This thread is not going to help your wellbeing- we have all done things as parents we regret - you need to stop berating yourself now , have some self compassion and seek some support.

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:10

It was a perfectly safe scinario that op worried about today.

Yes. Babies never get so upset that they throw up and choke, do they?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2018 00:10

Your sitting in the bath crying, the baby is on the cot crying. Next time get it the bath and tell DH to look after his son whilst you have a peaceful bath.
You say you aren't chilling and are scared, so please speak to your HV or GP but also tell DH he needs to step up and do more.

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:10

I agree, NoMud

GlitterGlassEye · 24/09/2018 00:13

Most of you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. The op feels bad enough leaving her child in their (safe and cosy) cot to have a wash without posters getting a dig. FWIW my youngest is 4 and only now sleeping through as she was physically sick when I tried to get her in a routine. When she was 1, I was hallucinating due to sleep deprivation as dp worked away. I had 2 older dc to get ready for school so no relaxation time for me. The op hasn’t done anything wrong for wanting to have a bath.

PiggyPoos · 24/09/2018 00:13

Stop posting at her then Titty.

Stop trying to make her feel as awful as you possibly can.

Original poster

NameC123 · 24/09/2018 00:14

He wasn't hysterically sobbing he was whining and he'd stop for a few minutes then start again, in total it went on for approx (I wasn't counting) 30 minutes

He does this when he's fighting his sleep and that happens nightly. Usually I'd be rocking him to sleep whilst he does that or stroking his head through the cot bars. I do feel like shit for leaving him and while I know he was safe (door open, him a stones throw away and the baby monitor screen on with me in the bathroom) it doesn't excuse the fact I ignored my baby when he wanted me. I put my own emotional weakness before my babies need to have me in sight.

In case there's any doubt he was fed, changed and cuddled before I got in the bath and was up until that point perfectly content (and yes we have calpol which I've given him some of)

I can assure all posters he is not a routinely neglected baby and this is the one single incident where he hasn't been put first.

I agree I probably shouldn't have posted this here, but If anything its reinforced my gut feeling which was that I was bang out of order for responding the way I did.

Truth be told I have had a few wobbles and teary moments lately, feelings of inadequacy and fear for the future BUT he is and will always be my priority and I'm going to give myself a kick up the arse and make a conscious effort to be a better mum

Thank you to those of you who showed me kindness and to those of you angered by my post I don't blame you.

I'll probably stop posting now as I'm not doing myself any favours

OP posts:

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:14

Good lord. Titty, why are on this vulnerable women's thread ranting on about controlled crying???? It's nothing to do with her or her situation! Frankly, I'd rather leave my babies with the op any day over you. You are heartless and missing the point totally.

I hate controlled crying also but this is not the place!!

Will be reporting you...

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:17

ranting on about controlled crying?

Erm, what?!

GlitterGlassEye · 24/09/2018 00:19

I’ve used controlled crying before BUT you are reported you vindictive cunt.

PiggyPoos · 24/09/2018 00:19

What do you mean erm what?

You've been copying and pasting it in and even doing little highlights 😂

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:22

The only thing I’ve said about controlled crying is that the research around it is flawed.........

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