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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
Wannabeyorkshirelass · 24/09/2018 00:22

Own oxygen mask first on the airplane, OP. Remember that? Yes your baby needed you when he was crying but more than that he needs a mentally healthy mother for the many, many years ahead. You know it wasn't ideal (and personally I have no idea how that was the less stressful option, as one of my babies crying always feels like a cheese grater on my soul!) but you did what needed to be done for self preservation in that moment. You are allowed to have weakness and you are allowed to matter. You learned something about your limits and about motherhood. It's SO FUCKING HARD. Don't make it harder by beating yourself up. You're a good mother. Bad mothers don't question whether they left the baby for too long in its safe cot whilst taking a mental health break.

If you feel like it's going further than the usual stresses and strains of babies and pregnancy then talk to someone, there is so much help available.

TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:23

You've been copying and pasting it in and even doing little highlights

About SEPARATION ANXIETY. Not controlled crying. Ever likely the human race is fucked. Most of it seems to be devolving.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2018 00:25

OP the issue isn't you having a bath and some peace. The issue seems to be your DH napping on the sofa instead of helping.

DH I need a bath, your on baby duty. Here he is. Enjoy.

PennyxHunterx · 24/09/2018 00:27

My mum used to do the same 😂

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:29

Sounding like separation anxiety is the least of your child's worries, titty. Such a pleasant, positive, uplifting attitude to pass on there.

Not actually disagreeing with you BUT THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE!

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:29

Would I be right in suspecting you're of the male persuasion?

Frazzledkate · 24/09/2018 00:32

Anyway, I'm coming off MN. Not been on that long and it is not a very happy place to be. Too many nasty people on here. I very much suspect a significant proportion are bitter misogynistic daily mail readers but anyhoo, here I flounce....

Original poster
NameC123 · 24/09/2018 00:33

@SleepingStandingUp if only it was that simple with DP, he'd fall straight back to sleep and DS would be in the same situation except at his father's hand and not my own.

A few weeks ago when DP was off work we agreed he'd sleep in our bedroom with baby and I'd sleep in the other room so if baby woke (which he does) DP would tend to him and I'd get to have a full nights sleep.

I had barely been asleep two hours when DS woke crying, after a few minutes it became clear DP wasn't waking up to deal with him so in I go, clearly unimpressed, to find DP snoring blissfully unaware and DS wailing in his cot next to the bed.

I've given up relying on DP, his work pattern and the way he manages his time and sleep when he's not at work makes him totally unsuitable to meet DS needs as and when.

The odd extra hour in bed on a morning every so often is as good as it gets for me in terms of helping with DS, even then its not putting him at any great inconvenience as DS will happily sit on DPs knee whilst he plays a computer game

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 24/09/2018 00:35

Would I be right in suspecting you're of the male persuasion?

Me? Nope. XX from birth.

PiggyPoos · 24/09/2018 00:38

He's going to have to shape up when you have DC2 OP now would be a good time to have a really serious chat about it.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2018 00:49

his work pattern and the way he manages his time and sleep when he's not at work makes him totally unsuitable to meet DS needs as and when
You're going to have two children by him with a very small gap. You seriously need to think about whether he is grown up enough to be a decent parent and whether you are going to ensure child no 3 doesn't follow shortly after.

Shifts are hard but he has two babies he is responsible for. He needs to grow up.

Princess1066 · 24/09/2018 01:21

NameC123 hope you are doing OK - I can't believe the vitriol on here from some people Angry Being a mum is the hardest job in the world - please don't beat yourself up about this any more - you are obviously overwhelmed atm - have a chat to your partner & be honest with him about how you are feeling - point out the obvious - men sometimes need things spelling out very clearly Hmm Sending best wishes to you Flowers

ChristmasArmadillo · 24/09/2018 01:40

OP. It’s fine. When you have two, especially that close in age, there will be plenty of times when one has to grumble for a while as you tend to something more urgent with the other one, if 30 minutes of fussing in the life of a loved, cared for baby caused trauma and brain damage nobody with a sibling would be alright. Please step away from this thread, people are being appallingly cruel to you. Flowers

Strokethefurrywall · 24/09/2018 01:41

Have you been cruel to your baby?
No, and certainly not as cruel as Titty has been to you.

I don't even think it was that bad, he was whining not crying, you needed some down time so you took it. Bloody good for you. You love your baby, and are a good mum.

Titty, on the other hand, seems to be determined to make you feel as shit as possible.

I'd say this thread is a perfect example of a too much internet being a bad thing, seeing as people like to read whatever research they want, and twist it to suit their own agenda, without applying any common sense at all...

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 24/09/2018 01:47

No, 30 mins is far too long to leave an 8mth old

Sashkin · 24/09/2018 01:56

You were a bit cruel, yes. Won’t have any long term effects, but at 8mo they don’t understand that you will come back so it is really not fair on him to leave him crying for that length of time.

I sympathise, I expect we have all done similar. But it isn’t a good thing to do.

Vanessatiger · 24/09/2018 02:20

Maybe I’m a bit paranoid, but I’ve never left my children out of sight, not even 1 minute, they would come to the bathroom and bath with me. You just never know what they can get up to (in my mind they could be suffocating themselves crying alone).. yes it’s cruel leaving a baby crying for such a long time.
But I do attachment parenting. I carry them like a kangaroo everywhere and they sleep in my bed. Babies are only babies for a wee while, why confine them to a separate space. Why have babies if you aren’t going to do broken sleeps?
But I’ve got huge help daytime to catch up with my sleep by having a daytime nanny. I know I’m lucky. As lucky as people used to have their mother or aunt looking after the baby whilst they caught up with sleep.
I’m sure I’ll be vilified by the mumsnetters!

SnuggyBuggy · 24/09/2018 04:10

Is this work pattern going to be an ongoing thing? It's going to be very difficult with two and a DP who can't be bothered to get up and help.

glitterystuff · 24/09/2018 06:46

Even if 30 min was a bit long, the thing is that you've now learned what you are comfortable with. It's done, it's in the past, he's alright, you're not a bad mummy, and maybe it'll prompt you to arrange a bit more help for yourself or to learn techniques to help if he's crying a lot in future.

Getting frustrated is completely normal! But you've found an unmet need in yourself there. Heed it, and you'll be an even better mummy to your little beloved.

Flowers
AnotherEmma · 24/09/2018 06:48

“ its a pattern he has followed for a while and gives him chance to do his hobby before retiring to sleep.”

His HOBBY! These lazy selfish “fathers” always have a fucking HOBBY. Angry

My DH didn’t hear DS at first. I woke him up. He sleeps more lightly when he’s on duty now.

“DS will happily sit on DPs knee whilst he plays a computer game”
Great favour he’s doing you there, not even putting himself out to do any of the actual hard parenting.

His hobby isn’t gaming by any chance?!

How do you think things are going to work out when DC2 is born? If he doesn’t change you’re going to have PND and/or some kind of breakdown. You can’t carry on like this as it is.

oflow · 24/09/2018 07:09

Hi OP.

You'e not harmed your child (coming from an attachment mum with a velcro baby!)

Can I recommend something like this is your baby's outgrown the bouncer. When my baby outgrew hers I got this so now she can come to bathroom with me or sit in it while I cook.

www.mamasandpapas.com/en-gb/baby-snug-and-activity-tray-soft-grey/p/412646801?pdg=aud-381455739536:pla-432919212953:kwd-432919212953:cmp-800059846:adg-40366779805:crv-192270971497:pid-GB_GBP_412646801:dev-m&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6OaiivvS3QIVEOh3Ch3OiwbTEAkYASABEgJpBvD_BwE

oflow · 24/09/2018 07:11

Sorry for the typos! My baby loves this and will do 15 mins or so in it supervised while I do something. The tray with toys suctions on so it is hard to knock off.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 24/09/2018 07:45

at 8mo they don’t understand that you will come back so it is really not fair on him to leave him crying for that length of time.

By this logic it's also not ok to let an 8 month old cry for 30 seconds, since he doesn't know she's coming back. It's not like they can reason 'ah, it's been 22 minutes now so she's definitely abandoned me'.

And Vanessatiger I don't know if you're a troll or just an actual idiot, but either way I think you posting on this thread is pretty horrible.

Vanessatiger · 24/09/2018 08:10

Why is it horrible? She asked if she’s cruel. Some people thought she was and some not. People relay their experiences.
Some people are bad mummies and some good. Some are in between. Not all parents are good parents.
The OP by the sound of it is struggling, she was cruel at that moment but she isn’t a bad parent by the sound of it.

So expressing an opinion now get called a troll. No I’m not a troll thank you very much.

Chocolatecake12 · 24/09/2018 08:11

Please stop feeling guilty. None of us are perfect parents.
Guilt comes hand in hand with being a parent though!! There’s always something we will feel bad about - shouting just that bit too loud, getting cross instead of showing patience, I could go on and on.
I have teenagers now and believe me that I worry each day that I’ve not been the best parent for one reason or another!
We all do things differently and you need to find what works for you xx