DD moving back in and insists we allow her to bring her dog. We can't have the dog. What do we do?

[ShitZ]

Our daughter lived in a flat with her mate. She got a dog, she has had him 3 years. Unfortunately, her friend is moving away and she can't afford that place on her own, so she is moving back home (she is still saving for her own mortgage). We have a cat who is disabled and can not be around other animals, it absolutely petrified her as we tried with the dog as I was going to help when she was at work but instead she paid someone else as our cat just couldn't cope.

I don't know what to do. I'm really funny about giving loved pets up. Even if she found somewhere to rent, they don't usually allow dogs and she would ideally like to save.

I don't know what the answer is and wondered if anyone could come up with some ideas? Would be so grateful.

you can deff make it work.dont make someone give up their pets unless it is the last ever option and for me it isn't.the pets will adapt.and do that with help by helping to avoid eacohter.becasue its for a short time and not permanent there are things you can to keep them separate.itl take some getting used to and bit of slog at first to find what works for you all but it can.there are also shed or even some brick adapted outhouse,kennel you can erect pretty easily.if its wind proof and everything even if its put there for trougout the day not at night maybe in cold days come but then itl be easier to monitor them and keep them out the way.i think you can do this I really do I think getting rid of the dog will hurt the both of you and your relationship.

And - just to reiterate the point, please don't put the dog in a kennel. That is incredibly unfair, the cat will still know its there, the dog probably won't cope and you'll end up with barking complaints 😒 I also suggested daughter rehome it if insists on moving back- not because I think people should give up on dogs but because she is not making the effort to put her dog first it's better it is rehomed now whilst young and healthy then when she gives up on it again when not convenient to her plan. If you take on animals you make the choice that the animal's welfare comes before your choices. I don't regret a single thing I have given up or had to pass over due to the wonderful creatures have had over the years though

How long have you got until DD is due to move in? Could you try and get a behaviourist to come and work with you, dog and Dcat and tell you whether or not they will accept each other? She thinks it might be okay for the dog to stay in her room and her carry it to the garden for the bathroom Please don’t fall for this. Poor dog will be scratching peeing and whining at that bedroom door and you’ll have to let it out yourselves. She’s pulling a little emotional blackmail. If she really thinks this is a decent existence for her dog, she will quickly forget about it once it’s rehomed. Be clear and stand firm about what you can do, and what is fair to everyone in your household.

What psicat said above. If the dog can't be in the house and she can't/won't find a dog-friendly place to rent then it would be better off being responsibly rehomed to a stable, loving person/couple/family than kennelled outside or left in a crate all day and/or all night. Bichons are small companion dogs, they're not a hardy double-coated breed suited to being kennelled. For the love of god do not turf the poor dog out to languish in a bloody kennel or shed in the garden.

The cat will be horrified and offended and probably very dramatic initially, but after a while will settle down, and the dog will not bother the cat as long as it's taught to respect it. I have multiple pets, including several disabled cats. They're far tougher than we give them credit for and disabled cats have no concept that they're limited in any way! Just bring them together, keep the atmosphere calm and no nonsense (from either pet) and let the dust settle.

So agree with Namechange! Very sensible advice. Animals need time to adjust, and adjust they will. The cat will get over him/herself and the dog will manage behavior around the cat. You can facilitate this. I once owned a Siamese cat who was totally in charge of three German Shepherds! Good luck.

How long has your dd got before she has to leave her friend’ flat. If it’s not too soon could your dd bring the dog to your house a few times for short visits but keep it on a lead while she’s there to maybe get the cat used to the dogs presence, then stay longer and longer each time. Before you do this get gates put in and make sure the cat is behind the gates with you comforting it. Then when you think the cat is getting used to having the dog there start taking the lead off but obviously still with the gates in place so it can’t get at the cat. Different circumstances I know but when I got a rescue kitten I put my yorkie on a lead for the introduction and I thought all hell had broken loose... with kitten hissing and spitting and dog barking for Britain I thought I’d made a huge mistake as this went on for hours, but at the back of my mind I was thinking other people have managed to make it work so it must be do-able. we took turns in holding the lead, Then Penny eventually stopped barking and was just curious about the kitten who was only spitting just occasionally now. Anyway, after an extremely long day they got used to each other’s company and ended up the best of buddies sharing their food and cuddling up to each other to sleep. So there could be a happy ending with some work and a lot of patience. All the best op I really feel for you both and your beautiful pets. xx

Namechange has it. As long as they both have their own space to retreat to they will be fine after a few days.

@Pagwatch
Living as an independent adult includes not taking the ridiculous decision to get a dog when you are 20 and living in a mates house. Most sensible sentence on the whole thread.

daughter has now discovered the 15 year inconvenience, cost and stress involved in volunteering to have a dog.

tough. She deals with all of those by herself.

being young is not an excuse for being stupid.

Cat or no cat, I wouldn't have a dog in my house full stop. Couldn't be doing with the hair etc. Or the dog pooh in the garden--my neighbour is outside in her garden every day shovelling up the shit from her dogs. Ewww! If I was in your shoes op, I'd tell the Dd that she can come home but without the dog.

I agree with namechange, as long as your house isn't tiny I think this could work fine..it's pretty easy to keep a cat and a small dog in separate areas- I don't think it's fair to just expect your own daughter to rehome a dog she loves. And if your cat is elderly it might not have that long to live anyway- sorry. I know it would be a total pain for a while, but she has the dog now, so it might be best just to try to make the best of it rather than turning them away?

Mumsnet is such a strange place sometimes...

‘Tough. She deals with those all by herself’.

Why the vitriol? Why can’t the daughter look to her mother for help when being made homeless with a dog she must obviously love? Presumably the mother/daughter have a good relationship so why not look for a solution?

Simply stating she should rehome the dog is cruel and makes you really wonder about some people. How many poor dogs are sitting in rescue centres because of that throw away attitude.

Yes, the cat matters very much in all this but I’m sure everyone could cope for a short period.

The daughter perhaps needs to realise that saving for a mortgage in your early 20s is fairly unrealistic - not that she should give up but the goal probably needs to be stretch a few more years.

Previous generations could have had the dog and the mortgage - since when was having a small dog some kind of extravaganza. I’ll tell you when - now, this poor upcoming generation who are expected to have nothing even when they work hard!

I’m in my late 30s now but I had a dog at 20 - yes it restricted my housing opportunities but it certainly wasn’t a stupid decision, I just worked around my circumstances. Didn’t move back in with my mum though - daughter just needs to find suitable housing even if that means moving out of town.

If the OP's dd really wanted to save for a house she wouldn't have got a dog in the first place. They are expensive.

You mean you're not a selfish arsehole who gets rid of family members (that's what they are, if you don't think they are, don't get one) if they become inconvenient?!! Temporary stress for the cat vs lifelong fucked up abandonment issues for the dog

What an overreaction. Dogs are animals, not humans. If they have a good home they won't care who they live with.

And perhaps the OP just doesn't want a dog in the house, cat or no cat.

If someone were proposing that my cats would adjust to having a dog in the house - quickly or eventually, whatever - I'd tell them thank you, but they won't need to adjust at all because the dog isn't coming.

I worked in a cat shelter and have seen too many poor moggies pushed out, stressed and called 'unmanageable' by people who added a dog to the household later. I wouldn't even contemplate giving a dog a chance in my house. If that sounds harsh, it only comes from a place of having commited to giving my furry idiots a peaceful retirement when I adopted them, one which doesn't include compromising the style of living to which they've become accustomed.

I like the idea of a summer house for DD and dog.
Surely a 23 year old would like a bit of her own space aswell and this kind if makes sense to me if you have a big enough garden.
If I needed to move home at 23 a summer house type idea which is insulated and heated would be nice.
I know it would cost a couple of grand but if she's not paying you much/any rent it would make her stay more comfortable and means she could keep her dog.
Win win xx

I get that some people just really really don’t like dogs but even so...would you not just help out your daughter for a short time?!

Might be worth remembering that the op might need some help one day in the future, perhaps when she’s more elderly. All these mumsnetters who think that young adult children should be given absolutely no help whatsoever and should deal with everything on their own - despite modern circumstances being much harder than they had it - should think that eventually they may need a sympathetic response from their children in the future.

Rehoming the dog when it could be a short stay while the daughter finds somewhere else (which she absolutely would be able to find) is just a nice normal thing to do!

Bichon Frises are tiny- does her dog terrorize the cat? They might well come to like each other over time?

for those supporting namechange's suggestion, I will just repeat whta i said up thread.
We have a young healthy cat who has put up with visiting dogs before.
We got a dog. It has taken 10 months to get the cat and dog to live happily together, 20 months where we have had to make careful provision for the cat, and train and train and train the dog.
Finally we have doe it, and we don't have to shut the dog in the lounge to let the cat in for food, and then carry cat upstairs.

It isn't always easy.
A lot depends on the dog, we have had doggy visitors who ignored the cat, and so the cat was fine.

10, not 20, don't know where that came from

not vitriol, facts. Daughter made an adult decision in full knowledge of the committment involved like fuck she did but tough and now needs to deal with a change of circumstance.

Yes she did make an adult decision - three years ago during which time it sounds like she has behaved in an adult way, caring for the dog and saving for a mortgage (no easy feat in today’s climate at such a young age). She now finds herself unexpectedly to be homeless - half expecting that she could turn to her mother without having to rehome her dog isn’t crazy at all. The daughter should absolutely find somewhere else to live, quickly, but if for the sake of a few weeks the cat wasn’t particularly happy (but the situation was managed to the best of everyone’s abilities) then I’m saying it would be a very normal thing for the mother/op to simply help her daughter!
You don’t simply rehome a dog (or cat) except in the most dire circumstances.
Now, if the daughter is insisting she live with the op for a long time then that’s ridiculous - she can find somewhere else.

And it is vitriol - you called the daughter stupid because she got a dog...

...it sounds like she’s working, pays for her dog to be cared for during the day etc and finds herself in an unexpected situation with her friend changing her plans. She’s been saving for a mortgage so it sounds like she had a plan.

None of that sounds stupid - times are tough enough when you’re young and trying your best. Having a small dog isn’t exactly ridiculous and I think it’s incredibly harsh to call her stupid

PP keep saying the cat will get used to the dog, but what if it doesn’t? Some animals are best by themselves, or at least incompatible with other individuals. I was raised in a house with a fucking menagerie of cats, dogs, rabbits and dear god, some of the cats would fight each other/the dogs and bugger off for months on end, pee upstairs so they wouldn’t have to go past another animal to go outside...

I think the point is the cat shouldn’t necessarily have to get used to the dog completely - I 100% think the op should help her daughter and should never expect her to rehome a loved and cared for dog but...only temporarily. The daughter can and should find somewhere else as quickly as possible. The cat might not like it but hopefully it wouldn’t be for long.