DD moving back in and insists we allow her to bring her dog. We can't have the dog. What do we do?

[ShitZ]

Our daughter lived in a flat with her mate. She got a dog, she has had him 3 years. Unfortunately, her friend is moving away and she can't afford that place on her own, so she is moving back home (she is still saving for her own mortgage). We have a cat who is disabled and can not be around other animals, it absolutely petrified her as we tried with the dog as I was going to help when she was at work but instead she paid someone else as our cat just couldn't cope.

I don't know what to do. I'm really funny about giving loved pets up. Even if she found somewhere to rent, they don't usually allow dogs and she would ideally like to save.

I don't know what the answer is and wondered if anyone could come up with some ideas? Would be so grateful.

why doesn’t anyone acknowledge that her DD may also love her dog and be really upset at the thought of rehoming it?

They are acknowledging it. But there’s not a lot you can do if you’re housing situation isn’t secure and you become homeless. It’s not nice, or easy, but it’s life.

Making decisions and then expecting everyone else to compromise because of those decisions isn’t adult behaviour.

Sorry but agree the DD was irresponsible- she was renting a room off her friend, this was never going to be the housing arrangement for the 15 or so years the dog would live. It was always a temporary lifestyle, and ridiculous to get a dog when you aren't in control of your own housing (and yes, renters can have dogs, but do need to be in a position to afford the higher deposits if you need to move).

She can't live in your house with the dog. So the dog is rehomed, or goes to foster care, or your dd finds somewhere to live with the dog.

Taking on a dog when your mum has a cat means a choice to no longer be able to move back 'home'.

I have certainly acknowledged that the DD will love her dog and is probably very upset at the thought of rehoming it.

That is what makes the situation far from simple.

I think it depends on the temperament of the dog and cat in this situation. If the dog is exciteable, yappy and wanting to chase things then it would be very difficult. If it is a quieter nature then I'd certainly try giving it a go using child gates. Dogs can be trained to accept cats and the cat will normally get used eventually, provided it knows it is safe and can get out of the way if it wants to and meetings are positive experiences.
If that isn't possible then your daughter needs to find a good home for the dog, and be sure she doesn't put herself or a dog in this position again.. Keeping the dog in a bedroom and carrying it outside is really unfair on the dog and selfish of her.

She has to find somewhere else to live that takes the dog.

NailsNeedDoing
It might be worth talking to an animal behaviour specialist type person to see if the cat can be trained into tolerating the dog? There must be something that could be done by professionals and your dd could pay for it with her saved rent.

Have you ever had a cat? They are pretty much untrainable and anyway why should the OP's cat be subjected to that?

OP, as others have said, if your DD pays a higher deposit, she is likely to find somewhere to rent. Could you maybe help her with the extra if she needed it?

Will the dog go in a crate type thing at night? I'd be wanting to help her out but any disruption for the cat and there would be problems!
Can she buy an insulated kennel at nighttime for the garden or do you have a utility area for the dog?

Really difficult

Oh no :-( I would try it, the cat and dog will surely work something out? Or could you limit the dog to a certain couple of rooms and the cat elsewhere in the house? It seems a shame for your daughter to lose her dog.

Also ditto the behaviourist idea, really good one - but train the dog to leave the cat alone, not the cat, which is quite a difficult animal to train)

I'd have thought a Bichon Frise would be fairly easy to rehome.

My elderly cat wouldn't tolerate a dog. I don't see why the OP's cat should be expected to either.
Why hasn't the daughter explored alternative rentals offering to pay a higher deposit?

In the dd defence. She has been a good ddog owner for 3 years.
More than some recent posters in here!!

I don’t doubt your DD is upset but I don’t think you should allow her to bring the dog to your home within any makeshift arrangements in place - child gate, outside kennel, dog being kept in her room, cat being medicated, etc.

These arrangements are likely to break down and when they do, your daughter will make it the cat’s problem, i. e. your problem.

Check out a dog sharing site, borrowmydoggy.com etc. If the dog can live in a kennel at night/ with the dog share and she can arrange to either take it out herself or for her dog share partner to have it in the day?

Even if she's owned the dog for three years it doesn't give her an entitlement to move it into someone else's house.

The term 'someone else' is a bit wide ranged. Expecting your dm to be supportive to the extreme is natural and acceptable imo.

Can you have like a temporary home in the garden? Like a summerhouse (but with electric and heating) or a caravan etc that your dd and her ddog can live in? And then just use your home for kitchen/bathroom?

“Sorry but agree the DD was irresponsible- she was renting a room off her friend, this was never going to be the housing arrangement for the 15 or so years the dog would live. It was always a temporary lifestyle, and ridiculous to get a dog when you aren't in control of your own housing (and yes, renters can have dogs, but do need to be in a position to afford the higher deposits if you need to move).”

Yes this was an utterly selfish move that OP’s daughter made . I have wanted a dog for over years since our family dog (ie when I lived at home with mum and dad) died. I was single, 23 and living in a rented flat working full time and pretty much skint. It woukd have been insane and selfish
to get a dog in those circumstances. It just wouldn’t have the stability it deserved for the next 15 years.

Since then, I met DH, had to move across the country for work, moved accommodation and jobs about 3 times, had kids, been even more broke etc. Now that we have a house we own big enough for a dog, DH and I both work full time and STILL won’t get a dog because they are pack animals and need someone around during the day more than we can provide at the moment.

Dogs are not an accessory or a baby substitute. They deserve a settled life with their owner for many years and no owner can provide that at the age of 20 when they are just starting out in life.

Yes, there are people who provide the ideal environment for a dog and have bad luck with terminal illness/poverty or whatever. The responsible owners rehome the dog as they know the dog’s welfare is paramount and trumps any feelings they may have for the dog.

Who has been looking after the dog while she’s been at work up to now, OP?

I know you’re trying to ensure that she keeps the dog but it woukd be an open-ended arrangement if you agreed to let her bring the dog to yours. BIL got divorced and went to live with his parents, brought the dog. It literally lived in the kitchen for the rest of its life bar a walk round the block each night. DBIL’s next wife didn’t want the dog so it becAme DPIL because they felt guilty and felt they had to keep it. It was fed and taken to the vet and dog groomer but it wasn’t loved like one of the family as dogs should be. And they didn’t even have a disabled cat to consider!!!

I’m not a cat fan at all and am a real dog lover but even I feel so sorry for the cat. You CAN’T make his life more stressful than it must be already as a disabled cat, by bringing this dog into your house, OP. You just can’t.

I do love how mn flips.

Normal thread about can’t find a new place to rent. Terrible person for possibly considering to rehome your dog.

To ops dd.

She should just rehome it.

The dd will clearly feel her mum isn’t picking a cat over her. I’m not sure why it couldn’t be kept in her room when home and carried to the garden to be honest she has already said it will go to doggy day care while she’s at work and it’s not exactly a huge dog.

Feel her mum is. Not isn’t.

I’m a dog person and your dd is being very unreasonable. She can’t insist on anything.

You already know the dog and cat don’t get on as you tried to help before. Your cat is elderly and disabled. Yes you could try again with behaviourist help but imo your cat is still likely to be upset. I wouldn’t put such a frail cat through that.

Yes the op is her mum. But the dd has to take all the responsibility here. She got a dog. An animal that can live 20 years. If she wants to come home and save money for a mortgage she has to face the fact her dog will have to go elsewhere.

I would have loved a dog when I was that age. But I knew I couldn’t as I didn’t have that stability to ensure the dog would be properly cared for for its whole life.

As an aside... does anyone know if dog ownership in the U.K. has gone down in correlation with house prices rising? In our road hardly anyone owns a dog as in nearly all households the occupiers all work full time. They have to, to afford the mortgage (and we are not in an expensive part of the country) . The only ones that have dogs are the few households who have one member of the family at home most of the day.

I do hate this “lack of choice” aspect of the inflated housing market. No choice whether to be a SAHP or not. No choice whether to get a dog or not.

If the daughter insists on coming home she is effectively prioritising her saving over her obligations to her dog. She's obviously expecting her mother to cave in and accommodate her dog so that she can avoid the difficulty of finding an appropriate rental.