DD moving back in and insists we allow her to bring her dog. We can't have the dog. What do we do?

[ShitZ]

Our daughter lived in a flat with her mate. She got a dog, she has had him 3 years. Unfortunately, her friend is moving away and she can't afford that place on her own, so she is moving back home (she is still saving for her own mortgage). We have a cat who is disabled and can not be around other animals, it absolutely petrified her as we tried with the dog as I was going to help when she was at work but instead she paid someone else as our cat just couldn't cope.

I don't know what to do. I'm really funny about giving loved pets up. Even if she found somewhere to rent, they don't usually allow dogs and she would ideally like to save.

I don't know what the answer is and wondered if anyone could come up with some ideas? Would be so grateful.

At least it is only a dog. So many other people moan about not having a mortgage despite having kids, a nice car on payments, a nice phone, sky, holidays etc the list goes on. Getting a dog is only a minor mistake in comparison given her housing situation but the dog should be a responsibility your DD can keep and manage if she is responsible and carefully plans her next steps.

Dog ownership has actually increased this year for the first time in a while

Someone was saying on another dog thread that dog ownership had not increased but I couldn't but think that it had. In any event dogs are far more visible and people expect them to be accepted everywhere.

Anyway, OP you have a choice here:

You rehome your cat OR

Your daughter (temporarily perhaps) rehomes her dog.

I know which option I'd choose.

Ive a houseful of rescue cats and dogs and am fostering/adopting another mumsneter's dog as we speak. But the lady I fostered from was in a really horrible situation and needed help. This young lady is not. She should never have got the dog while not having the funds to afford where she lives without someone else's help. Tough shit if she can't afford to save up for a deposit - she chose to get a dog, caring for that comes first, she'll have to shelve ideas of buying a house because of the commitment she made when she got the dog. That's life. You have to think about thing and deal with the choices you make. This dog really doesn't deserve to be rehomed because this little madam has decided buying a house is more important and the parents (for genuine reasons) won't sort out her mess for her. I don't blame the OP. The daughter might be upset, but hard luck, it's all of her own making, she doesn't NEED to rehome the dog, she's choosing a life where she has to.

Bichons are usually very good with other animals, maybe trial your daughters idea and get a stair gate just incase

dont know wher eu live but everytime my dsil has moved shes found somewhere that allows dogs she needs to broaden her search

Split the house so that the cat never sees the dog. This will likely mean that she will have to come and shut the cat into a room whilst she takes the dog outside/brings the dog back inside. (Sorry, I can't do paragraphs for some reason my return key wont work) Then she can have a bit more time to look for a landlord that allows pets. Many actually DO, but you'll need to contact them direct or ask the lettings agent to speak to them. It can be useful to put together a folder on the dog, including details of training, insurance, vaccinations etc AND, offer a bigger deposit and a professional carpet cleaning every 6 months/at the end of teh tenancy as part of the contract.

maybe your cat will get used to having the dog around? it can happen we have both cats and dogs, all introduced at different times,. and I have a disabled cat too, they are sitting on the sofa as we speak, a puppy and the cat, cats are always in charge, we think we are, but no way, cats always are... my dogs know this, they were introduced after the cats were here and they all get on fine, just take your time introducing them. It is your home, but she is your DD, I would personally agree as its a temporary thing, and she is paying for her dog to go elsewhere while she's at work, its not as if she's just dumped the dog on you.

Im going to say something totally different.Ive often introduced new cats and dogs and heard people say they dont get on but actually they can.Itll depend on what her dog is but it takes time and patience.as long as your cat can have safe space and peace it should work fine.I know people suggest its your daughters problem but as a mum I know you would like to help her.A kennel in the garden could work as could crate training the dog.Dogs generally love crates as they feel safe and secure in them.Maybe give it a go and be prepared for a few hard weeks that will probably settle down.good luck

If she's willing to buy a large enough shed and pad it with warm bedding etc then that sounds like the best option to me

If my child needed a helping hand to move forward in their life I would find a way to make this work. I’d keep separate areas of the house for each. They will learn to live with each other in the house, even if they do need to be kept apart. If you make her get rid of a much loved dog (presumably) it will prob get thrown back a lot in the future. Dog day care when you’re daughter is as work and cat will get a break. Sorry but if a family memember wanted help I wouldn’t make it contingent on giving up a dog anymore than giving up a child. Both are family members. Mind you I’m a dog person not a cat person

Lots of places say they won’t rent with pets but if you speak to the agent they will for an extra deposit. I know because I have paid the extra before! In her shoes I’d rent somewhere like a house share or a studio. What happens to the dog when she works?

The op described her cat as ‘petrified’ when they attempted to look after the dog before. It is totally unfair to force this on an elderly cat. The op isn’t choosing between her daughter and a cat. The daughter is choosing between saving for a mortgage and her dog. It’s her choice. She doesn’t have to bloody move back!

This may have been suggested before - but why isn’t she trying to find someone else to share the current place with?

This decision is down to the daughter's choices and priorities. She has to decide whether coming home and living cheaply in order to save for a house is her priority or whether her priority is her obligation to the dog she took on. If it's the latter she needs to sort out an arrangement where the dog can remain with her in a new rental. It isn't up to the OP to accommodate anything.

The cat would soon get used to the dog, why don’t you at least trial it? I can’t believe people think rehoming the dog is a solution, it will be far far more distressing for the dog to be rehomed than it would for the cat adapting to live with the dog.

Mushlett the op has already said they did trial it. The cat was distressed. Plus the cat is elderly and disabled.

Gosh, kind of gobsmacked at reactions that this is her problem, not yours - when did we all get so heartless? Surely your daughter is always your daughter irrespective of age. There is no way I would put a cat's needs above the needs of my daughter.

The cat is elderly and disabled and was distressed by the dog before. Why should the cat be made unhappy when the daughter can behave like an adult and very probably get this sorted without rehoming?

Why is it heartless to expect a 22 year old to take responsibility? The problem is hers to sort not the OP's. The OP can obviously support with looking for a suitable rental but why should she have the dog in her home?

There is no way I would put a cat's needs above the needs of my daughter's dog. Fixed it for you.

Of course your daughter is always your daughter. But her need to save a deposit isn't exactly life and death, is it? There are alternatives.

We have a Bichon. I would say the idea of the dog living in the garden given the breed is a definite no go. Depending on how long she needs to stay with you to save then I think the combination of doggy day care and staying in her room could work for a few months. I would give the idea of dog in room a trial period see how the cat reacts, our Bichon can seem pretty full on at first but after a minute calms down and I think with perservence it could work

This drives me bonkers. “Oh I want a dog so I’m having one”. No thought for their long term plan. No thought for the impact on the people around them. Both of my sisters are guilty of this. Bought huge dogs and my mum gets stuck with them out of sheer guilt and obligation when they’re at work or on holiday. Of course she could refuse but she won’t. As they know. But did they discuss the dog acquisition with my mum before it happened? Of course not.

It says in the OP that she has tried to help out by having the dog before but the cat was terrified so they couldn't continue. Are some people not reading?

I can’t believe how many people are suggesting your daughter just rehome the dog! A dog is for life... I was 20 when I got my dog, it was difficult at times, I had to move and it was very hard to find somewhere but I did. You should help your daughter, make it work even if just while she looks for somewhere else - my dog and I had 14 years together, she was my best friend through some very hard times. Your daughters had the dog for three years - they will be very attached to each other.