DD moving back in and insists we allow her to bring her dog. We can't have the dog. What do we do?

[ShitZ]

Our daughter lived in a flat with her mate. She got a dog, she has had him 3 years. Unfortunately, her friend is moving away and she can't afford that place on her own, so she is moving back home (she is still saving for her own mortgage). We have a cat who is disabled and can not be around other animals, it absolutely petrified her as we tried with the dog as I was going to help when she was at work but instead she paid someone else as our cat just couldn't cope.

I don't know what to do. I'm really funny about giving loved pets up. Even if she found somewhere to rent, they don't usually allow dogs and she would ideally like to save.

I don't know what the answer is and wondered if anyone could come up with some ideas? Would be so grateful.

I don’t think it’s heartless to expect an adult to stand by their responsibilities. Presumably she knew what entails when you get a pet. One that can live 20 odd years. It’s fucking outrageous she expects the elderly disabled cat to be ‘absolutely petrified’ for entirely her benefit. She is also going to work. So she wants to keep the dog locked in one room all day (with presumably a dog walker visiting as before). The daughter doesn’t seem to have given anyone else’s best interests a single thought.

Clyd- what about cats? Are they not for life? Or does their distress not matter?

Cats are for life too. I haven't suggested rehoming the dog - just that the daughter finds a suitable property and offers extra deposit. There's no evidence she's even tried to do that.

Obvs she shouldn’t have got a dog at that stage of her life. But, understand young people are impulsive. Have been there too many times, fortunately not involving animals. Now she needs to grow up. Get dog rehomed. That will be easy with a young bishon frisée. Far better than keeping it in a bedroom. Think of the dog. And yourself. And your cat. Daughter will be fine once you’ve made those choices what is best for them. Tempted to say I’ll have dog!

Of course the cat matters - I’m actually suggesting that the daughter sort this out for herself (as I did at the time - it’s tough but possibly if you’re willing to overpay/live somewhere you don’t love!). I am saying that I’m sure everyone could cope if that takes a few weeks rather than rehome the poor dog!

Yes me too a bit. The dd didn't think this would happen when she got the dog I dare say-and it couldn't have necessarily been predicted.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it's absolutely possible to have Dog and even a stressy cat cohabit.
I've got an ageing cat that is developing dementia. He now finds the wind stressful. We also have two quite boisterous younger dogs.Cat was ok with dogs initially but as he has got older gets stressed by them. The dogs live mainly in the kitchen-the cat lives mainly upstairs. We seperate them with doors and a baby gate when needed. Got a Feliway plug in thing to calm the cat down. After a week or so Cat was fine, Dogs are fine. It's doable.

for dog She can bring the dog home if she buys one of these and has it installed before she arrives. Dog resides there, except for when she takes it for walks.

Clyd - how do you suggest the op ‘makes it work’ with an ‘absolutely petrified’ elderly disabled cat? How can you say ‘everyone will cope’? She’s tried. It didn’t work. Anything else is tantamount to cruelty for the poor thing. Of course the op could and should help her daughter - by discussing her options. The daughter does have options but returning home to save money with the dog is not one of them.

I did actually say the daughter should sort it out herself - as in find somewhere else to live. I certainly couldn’t have saved for a mortgage as well as rent. Stressy cats do live with dogs - it is possible that the cat would calm down and rehoming a dog after three years with its owner (over possibly just a short term stay) is also very cruel. But - for the last time - I do think the daughter should just find somewhere else to live. I put my decision to get a dog first and adjusted accordingly - tricky at times for 2/3 years but ended up fine.

Rehiring a dog after three years is cruel? Yeah. But whose fault is that? It is all totally the daughters responsibility. It’s appalling the op is being made to feel responsible. But I sense the op is a kind soul and the daughter knows this so by playing on her heart strings she will get bailed out by her mum. It’s a highly emotive subject (as seen by this thread) but there’s not just two options. If the op doesn’t take the dog in it doesn’t have to be rehomed.

Rehoming not fucking rehiring autocorrect

As someone said on page one - dog foster care. If she'd be able to afford dog daycare for her work day anyway, get her to look for a local dog foster carer. It might be within her budget.

As long as an our building is dry and windproof and had adequate bedding a dog will survive. There are small heaters kind of like the ones used in a greenhouse to keep frost at bay. One of those coukd be used in the winter. Other than that a foster carer if your DD doesn't want to regime.

Sorry - rehome not regime.

Can she not find a friend who can look after the dog for a few months until she can find somewhere new?

TheLastNigel - I do think it could have been predicted though - she knew that she was just renting a room from her friend, so that wasn't a long term housing option. Then she would need to find somewhere else to live, and knowing that her mum has a cat, that means she couldn't come home with the dog. That many landlords don't allow pets is hardly a secret. Hard lesson to learn, but the dog needs to be rehomed or the DD needs to find somewhere else to live and give up the chance to save a house deposit at her Mums.

I believe for a little while you CAN make this work in your home.The cat could be upstairs sleeping while the dog is downstairs-get a crate which will also help and gives the dog its own space and somewhere to shut him for a bit when needed. I have a cat which is quite nervy and does not like our two dogs,the dogs just love the cat and want to lick him.I just have to move them both around so they give each other space,the cat is usually out or upstairs and when the cat comes down for food/cuddles I shut the dogs out or into another room for awhile-they all survive and adapt which I think could happen with your daughters little dog and your cat in time.Please dont rehome the dog with out really trying(whch could take a month)

Of course it can work. We very unexpectedly got a rescue dog, we had found him abandoned. We brought him home and our cats made sure that the dog knew that they were all the boss! We have a stair gate on the stair so that he could come into our room, but the cats have somewhere safe to be if that’s what the want. Our very elderly cat, who was quite poorly, was quite ferocious with the little dog, we think that it gave the cat a new leases of life! Doggie sleeps in our room, as do all three cats. Sometimes if we have guests he has his ‘indoor’ lead so that he isnt bullied by visiting children. It can work, if you work at it. 🌺✅

Thehappygardener - it didn’t work before. What makes you think it will now?

It does sound like it was tried in a very short/haphazard way with the op having the dog briefly when the daughter was at work - potentially different to setting up a proper (short term) living arrangement. The cat doesn’t have to love it, but obviously not be completely distressed, if the daughter is looking for somewhere else to live fairly quick. It may turn out to be fine after a few weeks anyway.

Even as a cat lover who thinks dogs are the most disgusting creatures, I would never suggest that my responsible DD who has lived on her from the age of 19?, is working, saving to get her own house, and has been a responsible pet owner for 3 years, give it away! I would definitely go all out to find a way of the cat and dog co habiting (the bastard cat won't love you more because you put it first!). Her living with you may be a short term solution to her housing issue (which isn't her fault and she probably thought she'd go from her friends place to her own) when she could have the pet for another 10 years. She could re-home it then the cat croak it if it's old, what then?

You're funny about pets being given up? You mean you're not a selfish arsehole who gets rid of family members (that's what they are, if you don't think they are, don't get one) if they become inconvenient?!! Temporary stress for the cat vs lifelong fucked up abandonment issues for the dog.
Set a time limit for her staying, keep them apart as best you can. Everyone get on the case for finding a dog friendly rental.

If offer to pay the higher deposit of a pet friendly flat. Assuming she's responsible you should get it back. A lot of "no pet" flats will if asked take a pet if you're willing to take a higher deposit.

You need to step back. She has her options, now she can make her decision.

But it's the daughter's responsibility. I made that choice younger than her - to choose my dog over other plans. It worked out in the end but I had to rent for a bit longer. It doesn't always work out when introducing cats and dogs. I have successfully done so myself with all kinds of combinations of the two but equally I have seen it not work with friend's animals - a dog with a high prey drive (ironically has been the cute fluffy ones that have been the worse), a particularly nervous cat. Cats that have run away from home at the stress of it. It can end badly. Again, it's daughter's personal choice, she is not homeless.