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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

287 replies

Merryoldgoat · 22/09/2018 22:54

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

OP posts:
WelshRobyn · 23/09/2018 11:57

How on earth did you let them leave this mess? Why didn't you make them clear it up? Even better, you should of intervened before it got into that state! Making that much mess wouldn't have been done quietly!

MadameButterface · 23/09/2018 11:58

op knows she should have intervened by now

she has and and was hocked

maybe glance over the thread before you tell her what she already knows huh

MadameButterface · 23/09/2018 11:59

*she was in shock

Passthecake30 · 23/09/2018 12:00

Wow. How does your son feel about having them back?
My dd has had a couple of friends round who get out every single thing, spread it round her room like a toy shop, so it's completely packed out, but an organised mess. She won't have them round anymore which is a shame.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 12:04

@fudlite

Your post has honestly made me cry - thank you for your kindness.

Welsh

I didn’t want my friends sorting through my dirty underwear and some private medical paraphernalia. I was really shocked - I just wanted them gone and to not see me cry.

OP posts:
LoisEinhorn · 23/09/2018 12:14

All the comments about supervision and putting the blame on the op...what about teaching the children respect? boundaries?
Sounds like these children have been taught neither

KERALA1 · 23/09/2018 12:20

Plus the kids are school age! They are not toddlers. They know it's wrong. That's why that and the parents reaction is so upsetting

klondike555 · 23/09/2018 12:24

although your photo does look extreme, it's fairly normal

No, it's not. Not amongst decent people anyway.

RangeRider · 23/09/2018 12:39

I’ve said I got it wrong with the supervision
Children shouldn't need supervising to prevent this sort of behaviour - it's feral! Their parents should be appalled with their children and with themselves. You're not being sensitive OP, you're being normal.
(Quite Shock at people who think this is fairly normal - I'm guessing they have the same attitude as OP's friends)

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 13:01

Female half of couple came over to drop off sorry letters the children had written and to apologise again.

I thanked her and told her to have a nice day as they were heading out.

I wanted to just leave it but I wasn’t able to - I’m still quite upset and to be honest I find that confusing in itself as I’m normally quite resilient.

I asked her what happened, made it clear I knew my son was involved too and has been told off and disciplined, but I did say he’d not have come up with it alone and told her how long it had taken to tidy and that I was up at 4 with the baby so feeling pretty rubbish.

She was apologetic but if I’m honest she wasn’t as contrite as I’d have been which reinforces my belief that she can’t really see the fault in her children. He son did, however, admit the game was his idea and he was the instigator.

Im going to cool it a bit, see them a little less for a while but not talk about this anymore.

The room’s tidy, a few toys are broken but nothing precious and I’ve learned a lesson.

OP posts:
FrightsaidRed · 23/09/2018 13:03

I’ve had a similar situation but nowhere near as bad - it was just the kids room with every box emptied - and I messaged the other Mum as I found it afterwards. After that we always checked the room after play and I’ve always checked since. If it’s ridiculous I make them all tidy up, if it’s just average mess from play my DCs have to do it with some help from me. Going through your laundry etc is bloody unacceptable though and I’d be really upset and I wouldn’t have them back again, or if I did, when they arrived I’d use a very strict voice telling them no way was it ok to make a big mess and they would be helping to tidy at the end so to think about what they got out. The parents should have done more, I bet it’s not the first time either. I still remember a family of kids coming to play when I was little and they broke our toys, behaved horribly and were awful little shits. Still friends as adults and watching them raise their kids...feral would be a word I’d use.

FrightsaidRed · 23/09/2018 13:05

Best of luck OP, take care of yourself - PND is a bastard and it makes everything seem much worse. But even then, yanbu, your friends are a bit selfish is all. The sorry letters were a nice thought though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2018 13:17

That sounds like a plan. They have different parenting styles (if we can even call it that). But at least your friend recognises the children upset you even if it’s not a really a big deal for her. So she is making an attempt to modify her behaviour, which is a positive thing and does mean she values your friendship.

SeaToSki · 23/09/2018 13:35

I had this with a really good friend, I didnt want to loose the friendship so had to come up with creative ways to prevent carnage. Her dc were the same ages as my dc and they loved playing together but her dc were just permanently on a mission to destroy and make a huge mess.

I took it quite hard at first. I took great pride in choosing nice toys for my dc and helping them keep sets together as who wants to do a puzzle if half the pieces are missing. I have 4 dc so the toys also needed to last a long time. When friends dc would destroy, mix and mess it did feel like an attack on my things.

In the end we only played outside unless the weather was dreadful. If we had to go inside, i would take most of the toys and put them in my bedroom before they came over (we had a hook eye lock on the door) my dc got told to hide anything they would be upset if it got broken and then I would insits that my friend and i would have our coffee in the playroom with them.

I also mentally gave myself a budget for replacing stuff that was purposefully damaged (which just helped me feel in control)

My friend just didnt know any different, so just thought her dc were normal just a bit rough. When (aged 10 and 8) they flung a pull up full of wee (one dc was wet at night until age 10) into the ceiling fan and it shredded and spun the urine soaked granules all over her dc bedroom she went ape shit and finally realised that she needed to change her expectations. Unfortunatley it was too little, too late

reallybadidea · 23/09/2018 13:38

She was apologetic but if I’m honest she wasn’t as contrite as I’d have been which reinforces my belief that she can’t really see the fault in her children.

I think she's "sorry" that you're upset, not really that sorry for the behaviour of her children.

TemptressofWaikiki · 23/09/2018 13:39

Glad your friend recognised that they upset you. But I think very drastic differences in parenting is a very common reason for cooling off or even dropping friends. Neither DH or I are especially tidy or clean freaks and our DC are lively and definitely not super well behaved. We have four large greyhounds too, so have dog and child-proofed our home with loads of hidden, inbuilt storage. We have stopped socialising and inviting over a couple with their DC because of a total lack of basic manners and their kids having zero respect for boundaries by trying to access our private spaces. The kids’ playroom is fairly ‘bomb proofed’ and we really aren’t too fussed about mess after playing but these former friends would not stop their DC from going into other rooms, especially my work room with expensive equipment, despite me asking them to please tell them to stop. Got some smug and sanctimonious sermon about not limiting their kids’ creativity etc. Fair enough but not at our home and at our expense. Sometimes, you just accept that you are not compatible with other families. It’s only after we binned them off completely, I realised just how bloody hard work they were, the parents included.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 13:40

Yes reallybad - that’s exactly my take.

OP posts:
PiggyPoos · 23/09/2018 13:45

Seeing as she got the children to hand write the notes I think that's a good effort to apologise and she must have spoken to them about it.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 13:49

I agree piggy and I’m putting it behind me but in my gut, I think she feels I’ve been a bit OTT and that her children just got a bit carried away.

OP posts:
picklepost · 23/09/2018 13:50

Is the mother called Jenni?

That is an extreme mess. Understandable for young children to create mayhem, not acceptable for the parents bot to address it.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 13:59

No Pickle - not Jenni

OP posts:
picklepost · 23/09/2018 14:04

Totally agree with waikiki
Ditch them, you won't miss them.

PorkFlute · 23/09/2018 14:13

She brought round apology letters but it wasn’t contrite enough??? Jesus what did you want?
Since your ds was happy to join in it’s entirely possible he could behave the same way in someone else’s house? What would you do differently considering they may well not want you going through their stuff to help tidy it. How would you apologise better?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 14:21

Understandable for young children to create mayhem

Well, up to a point, maybe. But a game called, "Let's make a mess?" In someone else's house? When their parents knew they'd done it before, with the likely outcome? And didn't stop it?

You can do without these people in your life. You're clearly on different pages.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 14:35

Pork

I’d have said ‘I’m so sorry - their behaviour was entirely unacceptable and I’ve told them so. I’m so embarrassed by the way they behaved and I will not allow them to disrespect anyone else’s house again. This is a game I’ve allowed in the past and really didn’t make it clear enough that it’s not ok but it’s not and it won’t happen again.’

I very much appreciated the notes and as I’ve said, I’ve moved passed it but we are all adults and know the difference between a sincere apology and one given for a quiet life when you don’t really think it’s owed.

Hers was the latter and for me it makes me think less of her.

I would also have told my son off vociferously at the time and left him and them in no doubt how angry I was. I would’ve stayed and tidied the room after sending my husband home with the children and if she didn’t want my help I’d have understood but offered my time elsewhere in lieu.

OP posts: