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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

287 replies

Merryoldgoat · 22/09/2018 22:54

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

OP posts:
HettieBettie · 23/09/2018 18:26

ALWAYS AWLAYS DO A TIDY UP TIME. I make a point of it with all the children, make it a game put on a timer or some music and always get them to do it. They do it at school - they do it in my house

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 18:37

And lots of children will do as much or as little as they can get away with.
I teach this age, and if anyone makes any sort of mess in class, they jolly well know they are involved in the clear up. At school, at least. I have a fair idea of who might get away with it at home.

Roussette · 23/09/2018 18:42

OP you are spot on with everything you did. A bit of space and knowing to watch them next time is the way to go. if there is a next time

PorkFlute · 23/09/2018 20:25

Hmm earlier in your thread you say your ds must have followed because he doesn’t usually play like that and now it transpires one of the other children admitted they started it Hmm
I’m not blaming the ops son. I’m saying she doesn’t know who started it/made the most mess as she wasn’t supervising. Even when she knew they were making a mess she was unbothered to check on them. But this is apparently the parents fault as obviously they must have made the exact amount of mess that they have previously made in their own house.
But whatever. A typical reaction would be to be annoyed and supervise the kids in future. Talking about cutting them off, apology letters not seeming sorry enough and suggesting the parents should have done some unrelated household jobs for you to sufficiently apologise is an overreaction imo.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 20:31

What are you on about, PorkFlute? Confused

PiggyPoos · 23/09/2018 20:44

Totally agree about festering.

I would far prefer someone to tell me if they were annoyed about something, far better than just never asking them over and not saying why.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 23/09/2018 21:18

I think it is time for OP to step away from the thread now. She's shown the chaos and mostly we've agreed it's unacceptable behaviour for a 5 and 7 year old. She's had apology letters and half-arsed apology from the adult. She was there, we were not. Each to their own on how your house should look with kids etc. MN has a horrid way of taking over lateral thinking where this could create future problems IRL. Let's just stop hereabouts and acknowledge the fact that someone hosting a playdate with pnd and a newborn was up at 1am tidying up with their son asleep in their bed.
Personally OP you handled this very well. Contrary to other posters on this thread, I would suggest you go to playdates at other people's houses before hosting them at your own. I've definitely found those with normally messy houses behave worse at my (usually tidy) house. Although on the first play date many will pre-tidy, so maybe even worth going twice before agreeing to host. You'll get more inside info on how they allow their kids to behave too. Flowers

sunsunsunsunsun · 23/09/2018 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/09/2018 22:46

It's great that you told your friend you were unhappy. So many people just seethe quietly - much healthier to say what's on your mind.

bumblingbovine49 · 24/09/2018 10:26

I have seen similar rooms in various people's houses with various combinations of children playing together over the years (DS now 13 so over that stage just about). He had a group of about 5-8 friends who regularly played at each others houses in various combinations and they would sometimes play more wildly than others

Experience taught me:

1 always set boundaries really clearly before children 'go upstairs to play' eg
I didn't mind toy mess but my room was out of bounds and children had to help tidy way at the end (which meant I had to end the play date 10- 15 mins early for them to help do that), after that they had to do quiet time, have a snack if it was a bit early to go home

Another friend didn't mind them going in her room and always just brushed off any mess at the end of the play date, saying she would sort it
Another was clear that any toys played with had to be put back before another came out. She was really clear and enforced this the first couple times (asking one parent to collect a child that wouldn't do as they were asked, though not demonising them as they were welcome back the next time). The children then just knew that they couldn't do any running around wild making a mess at that house as they would be sent home otherwise.
What is important is that any visiting parents support the host rules.

2 Help the host child to put away any really important/precious toys that they don't really want to share before the playdate.

3 - Regularly check on them to see what is happening. If you are unhappy with the mess, make them tidy up there and then if you had said no toys to be left around. Or remind them they will need to tidy up at the end and to treat things carefully not break anything . Remind them which rooms are out of bounds etc. If they refuse to listen then maybe set some consequences.

4 - Get them to come down for a drink/a snack to reset them every 45 mins to an hour

The weird thing is that this definitely did not always happen, sometimes the same groups of friends would play more quietly and sometimes they seemed more rambunctious and difficult to reign in. DH and I used to wonder how we could tell what sort of playdate it would be as it seemed to be random and not always related to the combination of children. We sometimes joked it was probably the stage of the moon that caused it Grin

Actually some of my fondest memories are of groups of children running around my house playing hide and seek/other games while using a lot of DS's toys as props, resulting in a LOT of mess. Similar scenarios in friends' houses told me I was not the only one who didn't mind the mess too much as long as things didn't get broken etc.

Some friends did mind the mess though, and if we went there I always warned DS in advance and supported the host parent apply their rules. You do need to be clear what your boundaries are though, otherwise your visitors won't know

klondike555 · 24/09/2018 14:58

I think I just must be over reacting

No, really you're not. Flowers You've handled it remarkably well.

The childrens' behaviour was atrocious and the parents' attitude, stinks, quite frankly. I'm getting an overwhelming sense that they only apologised for getting caught (so to speak. It was obvious that it was them), not for what they did. Unfortunately I doubt their behaviour will change after this.

Coyoacan · 24/09/2018 15:49

bumblingbovine Have you read the OP?

This not was the normal mess resulting from children playing together, this was a deliberate game called "Make a Mess" mixing in dirty clothes and ironing, on top of all the games being emptied out.

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