To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

[Merryoldgoat]

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

So because she has pnd she’s right about everything?
It's not about "being right" or wrong. We are all entitled to be upset about whatever upsets us.

However you’ve all just encouraged her to lose a friend just over a bit of mess! No, we haven't "all" done that. RTFT properly.

And learn what "empathy" means.

This is why when my children were small I refused to have children over for play dates. They would make this mess in front of my eyes. It was horrendous.

It did take me about 3 hours to clear up when my friend's son's did this. We had a lot of jigsaw puzzles and board games with tiny pieces, and they all needed sorting out. It was tiring and soul-destroying and I didn't have pnd at the time.

I never told my friend how long it took, and how many things got broken. She was upset enough already. I think that after this happened, she did start expecting more from her kids in the way of tidiness.

It's not what happened (although that is painful if you have pnd). It's the reaction that's the problem.

That’s horrendous. When mine were small they were given a 15 minute warning that we were leaving and I always checked that they had left their friend(‘s) rooms as they had found them. If not, there was trouble, apologies and I would help the Mum clear up and monitor DCs doing the same. Not acceptable to leave someone’s house like that. Disrespectful and selfish.

Not saying she can’t be upset but in my opinion a woman with PND and heightened stress levels needs to be told hey, chill, tidy it up, have a cup of tea, think about it for 24hrs before you go starting any arguments of telling off other Adults. You might need them kids to play with your kid or that friend might have some really good points and you really do t wanna fall out with anyone right now because that will not help your mental health and will bring you anxiety.
Why take advice from people using word like “furious” and “angry”.
I just think you’re stirring the pot by encouraging her to confront people and never see them again etc. Live and let live. Don’t bring more anxiety into your life at an already hard time. Who wants to be someone who is always furious and livid?
Follow the path of least resistance! If she was still really mad a few days later then she could just decide not to have the kids to play again in the considerable future. If she’d have taken that path she’d have felt fine about it in a cpl if days but now she will have anxiety relating to this person because you always do when there has been a disagreement or argument, there’s no escaping that.

OP I think you've handled this commendably. I think you were really Barve to raise it with your friend, and in a nice way too. Looking at the photo I felt really upset for you. I'm definitely in the 'kids will be kids' camp but this is a disrespectful amount of mess.

It's disappointing when your parenting style and expectations don't match up with friends. It sounds like the children are old enough to understand it wasn't OK and for you all to put it behind you.

But the OP hasn't confronted anyone and is merely cooling off a bit, not ending the friendship.

Vinyl, maybe you're a bit too chilled and your comprehension is a bit out of whack? I think telling someone to 'chill' and dismissing their anxiety is when they're suffering from PND is not quite right.

Well it works for me. Never fall out with people in RL as don’t want the anxiety that would accompany that.
Definitely get pissed off but just try and let it go. Always frustrated with myself when I don’t. Don’t hang around with the kind of people who are spoiling for drama all the time so tend to get talked down instead of up if anger arises. Try not to cry about spilt milk, just mop it up. How you chose to live is up to you. How do you think a really peaceful person would of handled it? Do the same.

But she did handle it in a 'peaceful' way. She didn't create any drama. And she was right to feel upset as it was an upsetting situation. You no more tell a person with PND to 'chill' than you tell a person with depression to pull themselves together.

YANBU. I also wouldn't expect to have to watch a 5 and 7 year old, we've had children from school that age to play and they are perfectly capable of playing without being watched 24/7.

I have family members who would do this. I try to avoid having them over as their mum doesn't tell them. We have had food throwing and getting toys down that were deliberately out of reach and throwing it around. She can't understand why I block areas they aren't allowed to go in and they are banned from upstairs. But when mine were young, she got incredibly stroppy because my 4 year old picked up a remote and picked up a cushion! And I mean, lifted carefully from where they were, not brandished it and lobbed it around the room whilst fighting over it with his sibling.

Well I do have a right when she came on a public forum asking for advice! I wouldn’t have walked up to her in the Street and given it to her would I. She asked and that’s my advice. But hey, each to there own. Sit about and fume about it if you wish.

I would be fucking fuming if that had happened in my home when my son was young and even more fuming if my son had done that in someone else's home.

These people (not friends) are fucking pisstakers and I would stay well clear from them in the future.

Sweetheart, I am angry for you not only because of the disrespect in your home but also because you are upset and PP have told you to "chill".

Vinyl, You seem to be having trouble comprehending people's posts on this thread. YoutheCat didn't say you don't have the right to express your view. She said that telling someone to chill (or a person with depression to pull themselves together) didn't seem right.

And no one is sitting around fuming about this either.

Ah, apart from PersianCatLady!! X posts.

Nope. Absolutely not fuming. Just about to go and do a yoga class.

You seem to be assuming that everyone but you is frothing at the mouth.

This is all I've ever know happen on play dates- and my kids are angels who stand back in horror and watch. So I no longer do play dates - I got sick of spending hours tidying up afterwards.

That's shocking, some people can be so disrespectful. My DC used to have friends who did this and I totally dreaded the play dates. One boy in particular used to tip out every box of everything he could find, games, jigsaws, boxes of cars and lego, the dressing up box, just everything. One time he was hanging from the curtain and ended up pulling the entire curtain pole down! His mum said not a single word. Not even a sorry. He hasn't been back.

I've been in this scenario. The trick is to meet them at their house, in neutral territory or if they must come to your house keep them downstairs or in the garden where their parents can see them.

Ive used all sorts of excuses why I don't want them playing upstairs, and I think some of them have been pretty transparent. But I don't care.

I am angry about the disrespect that the OP suffered but not frothing at the mouth

Thank you for the supportive posts.

I think that the reality is that there are a few things going on here:

1. I’m upset at the lack of respect for my son’s things.

1. I’m embarrassed that my dirty underwear and other private items were strewn about.

1. I am very tired from a night of very little sleep.

1. I have to deal with the emotions of realising I don’t really like the way my friends have brought up their children and the realisation that this will have an impact on our friendship regardless of the next steps as I can’t ‘un-know’ this and ignore my feelings.

I’ve had a good think and I’ve decided that I really haven’t overreacted - I wasn’t rude or unpleasant when I messaged them and spoke to my friend. If I had upset someone I would absolutely want to be told. I also know that if I didn’t deal with it and left it to fester it would’ve made me feel worse and on balance I’m glad I confronted it today.

I don’t think my son is blameless and I’m just as annoyed with him. But the reality is my friends’ son admitted he instigated the game and that it was his idea.

And I’m telling you now, no one could’ve fixed that room in 15 minutes. It was fucking shocking.

Good for you, Merry.

op, I think you handed it well.

Porkflute I think you are a parent to avoid, blaming the ops son when she had already said repeatedly he does not play like that ever! And Op had already said that the other boy stated he had instigated and started the game. The other parents had also mentioned the make a mess game.

Yet you then still turn around and blame the ops son.

I can only imagine that you would do this in real life.

I know you've had plenty of replies but I just wanted to say that the mess they left is not normal and you haven't overreacted.

It's clearly your friends not giving a shit about all your personal things being disrespected that's really upset you. You've got a new baby, pnd and they should care more, it's as simple as that.

I think you've handled it very well and certainly been more gracious than others would have been. I really hope you feel better soon.

You haven't over reacted. Not at all.

I would have been furious, and I wouldn't have had those children back in my house for a very long time.