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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

287 replies

Merryoldgoat · 22/09/2018 22:54

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

OP posts:
PiggyPoos · 23/09/2018 10:23

If you want to have people over for DS maybe a friend of his without the parents, can be a lot easier to manage as you are in charge!

I still have to supervise my 5 year old. He gets carried away sometimes and could easily just do something silly that could make a mess. Especially in a bathroom scenario!

JellyBears · 23/09/2018 10:23

I think your overreacting tbh. That is a horrible mess and the kids should of known better. However they are just children and sometimes children get over excited and so stupid things like deciding to play trash the bedroom game.
I wouldn’t ruin s friendship over it, I would make it clear next time that game is not allowed!!!!

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2018 10:23

Don't tell me that's the first time those children have behaved like that!

The parents must have known the likelihood of something happening upstairs!

I must admit I'm surprised you didn't hear some of it but I don't think I'd be considering them to be particularly good friends after this.

reallybadidea · 23/09/2018 10:30

Some of the responses playing down the awfulness of the mess remind me of the time dd and her friend sneaked some eggs up to her room and had fun smashing them and grinding them into the bed and carpet. I was told to calm down and get a grip Grin

I'm not surprised that you're upset OP, I'd be absolutely livid. You've probably said already, but how do you know these children have played this game before?

Courtney555 · 23/09/2018 10:31

Yup. Had this once before. When DS was 7.

I'd never been "not in your room please, stay in here" or constantly checking on him and friends that came over. They'd say they were off playing, and yes, his room usually would be in a mess, with cuddly toys on the floor, a few books on the floor, three games all set up and not put away.

Acceptable mess. Kids that have been playing mess. Mess that would take ten minutes to clear up mess.

Then he had one boy round, new boy that had just started at his school, they went off to play, he left, and DS didn't want me to go upstairs. So when he said, "Please don't look, you'll be mad" I knew something was up.

Everything in his room had been thrown on the floor. Some trampled on. Some of his toys had been urinated on. All the clothes were out of his wardrobe. To this day I've never seen anything like it.

The Boy had trapped DS in the corner and told him if he said anything he'd hurt him. DS was petrified, and watched this little prick destroy his room with a grin on his face.

I lost it and yelled at DS for not saying anything before he left, or coming to get me, which looking back I didn't handle well, because he obviously felt too intimidated too. Seeing the safe code "Mum, can we have some jelly" as "Mum, you need to come here, I need help in this situation" is a bloody excellent idea, truly. I'm sharing that one with my friends.

I phoned the mother, explained what had happened, I'd bloody want to know if my child had pissed allover someone's things, and her response was "Well he wasn't the only one in there was he." And hung up.

The next time I saw her in the playground it took all my strength not to urinate on her Hmm

Your picture looks relatively similar, I'm so sorry you've experienced this. I now check on DS and mates too much, as a result.

Take a deep breath, get a bit of perspective because I know how mad you'll be feeling at this level of disrespect, no one got hurt, etc, so force a bit of calm, and know you'll never have those little swines anywhere other than under prime supervision, if you choose to let them come to your home again.

KERALA1 · 23/09/2018 10:34

There's something elementally awful about having your house purposefully trashed. That scene in the BFG where the bad giants trash his cave - both my dds were in tears and they 10 and 12. There's kids mess made in enthusiastic play by smaller kids and there is malicious destruction by older knowing children. They are very different things.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 10:46

I mentioned my DS is autistic and has some trouble with making close friends. However, he’s had play dates with school friends - I heard carnage upstairs and went up and it was fine - cars everywhere but just boisterous play. It took literally 5 mins to clear up after both of them.

really bad idea

They said ‘we’re playing the making a mess game’ and their parents said something LIKE ‘oh yes, they like that game’ so I just assumed it was ‘normal’ mess.

No more assumptions from me in the future

OP posts:
YouCanCallMeNancy · 23/09/2018 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nordicwannabe · 23/09/2018 10:49

YANBU. It's the parent's reaction which is the problem. Yes, kids sometimes do nuts things, and it's upsetting but you're not going to lose a friendship over it. But the parents' attitude - letting it continue once they'd seen it, and not trying to help you fix it - showed poor judgement and a lack of respect towards you.

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 23/09/2018 10:50

FWIW - I did try to keep calm, extra supervision, move kids into the garden when weather was good etc. But often parents want to catch up and have things going on in their lives - OP has said she has PND. You should not need to supervise a 5 and 7 year old (same age incidentally as my two terrors). They can make a quiet mess surprisingly easily and quickly and it isn't always immediately visible. In my case the mother was going through a separation so we had a lot to discuss and I was trying to support her - frankly her kids and the mess were secondary. However it does put a strain and a sense of dread on the friendship. If you stay friends with this couple in the future, perhaps only do play dates at their house.

YouCanCallMeNancy · 23/09/2018 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvaHarknessRose · 23/09/2018 10:58

Well done OP you are right to be upset and I think you handled it appropriately. If the dc want to go upstairs next time you can remind them that you had to change the rules as a consequence of their make a mess game which you did not appreciate. And then if you wanted to you could say to them (including your son) after a couple more times ‘well as you have played nicely the last few times, you may play upstairs - please ask permission to get anything out and put away anything you use before the end’. They have to learn from someone and it will be a useful learning point for your ds on peer pressure.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 10:58

Re: remaining friends with the parents, whilst I don't think I'd banish them from my Contacts completely, it would undoubtedly taint my view of the relationship. I mean, all kids can be naughty. If they're playing a game, some mess is inevitable. Even making dens out of bedding is constructive play.
But this?! And posters saying they've had kids urinating in bedrooms? Shock That's a whole different league. And I would be asking myself what the hell was up with their parenting standards that they would downplay it as they have. Not only have their kids hugely dis-respected your home (because they presumably haven't been taught to), but so too have their parents. I know that you wanted them gone once you realised your underwear was scattered around, but they could have expressed absolute horror and sent flowers/chocolates (from the kids?) as an apology. Presumably they also know that you've been suffering with a new baby, and have a (recent?) diagnosis of Autism with your ds to manage.
Not my idea of friendship.

Bigheadache · 23/09/2018 10:59

The OP said they were checked by their parents who said ‘its a bit messy’ but as I said, I thought ‘normal’ mess

If my friends had checked what their kids were doing in my house and said this I would assume toys there is no way I would think they were making a mess with my laundry, toiletries etc! The other parents knew what was going on and let it happen imo which is disrespectful!

I hope you are feeling better today OP and manage to get some rest.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 11:10

These stories about urinating on toys! I’m just speechless! Shock

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 23/09/2018 11:10

We still remember 30 odd years on the wrecker family - mum friends with their mum they came to "play" and proceeded to intentionally trash our room. My sister and I were quite meek we were horrified but couldn't stop,them. My mum was fab she knew it wasn't us we all spent ages clearing up after they left.

Amusingly my younger sister married into the wreckers family we all hope her kids haven't inherited the wrecking genes Grin

reallybadidea · 23/09/2018 11:14

They said ‘we’re playing the making a mess game’ and their parents said something LIKE ‘oh yes, they like that game’ so I just assumed it was ‘normal’ mess.

What absolute fuckers. That kind of disrespect towards your home by the parents is almost contemptuous I think. At the very least it shows a massive lack of awareness of what it would mean for you in practical terms.

Candymay · 23/09/2018 11:21

That’s absolutely disgraceful! I feel so sorry for you. If you live in London I will come and help you. What did the parents say? Have they offered help? I’m livid for you. Honestly- absolutely awful and you should never have them over again. Ever. Get new friends.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 11:30

Candy - you are so kind x

I am in London but DH and I put the room back together last night - finished just before 1am!

OP posts:
Candymay · 23/09/2018 11:34

I’m so glad you have managed to put it back together. I hope you get to have a peaceful day today!

Ophelialovescats · 23/09/2018 11:36

This thread is bringing back so many memories of 'wrecker kids'.
Looking back I can see that the parents would simply abdicate responsibility on entering other's homes , perhaps they were exhausted with parenting as saw visiting others as a break.

MadameButterface · 23/09/2018 11:49

I am no neat freak but that would break me, esp with a newborn, I would have burst into tears on the spot tbh

and if it was me I would tell the parents that you were tidying up till 1am then up with the baby at 4

and it would affect my friendship going forward - I have posted before about how when you have different parenting styles you just have to meet up without the children, it gets easier as they get older etc etc, but to leave your house like that when you have a newborn, that is fucking next level and I would struggle to be ok with them

fudlite · 23/09/2018 11:51

All I’m going to say is I think the OP sounds brilliant.

She has been polite even when others are rude to her, has fully admitted her own DS was part of it and has been disciplined and all in all I think she sounds fab.

OP, I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope it gets better. In the meantime, those kids of yours are bloody lucky. I really do mean that.

hmmwhatatodo · 23/09/2018 11:54

Why are so many people tidying up after their children make a mess? This is why they go into nursery and reception and think it’s ok to tip everything out of the boxes, throw things on the floor and generally make a mess and then refuse to tidy it. Not helpful!

MarshaBradyo · 23/09/2018 11:54

That is terrible I’d be upset if they did that to one of my dc’s bedrooms

Yanbu to feel annoyed etc