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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

287 replies

Merryoldgoat · 22/09/2018 22:54

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

OP posts:
cactusplant · 23/09/2018 14:37

OP I'm not saying you are wrong, or that it was ok of them to do this at all. But I do think you are overreacting.

They are just children. They made a mess. They weren't supervised. You were hosting so you should have let them know what is expected or is not in your house, or kept a closer eye on things.

Their parents have not "let them" do that. They have been invited to your house and their kids have been a nightmare upstairs and haven't been supervised. It's not right but it's not worth ending a friendship over. Your child won't be perfect at that age either. It doesn't mean it is anybody's fault. Sometimes things like that happen and it's up to the grown ups to react in an adult way and move on. Your reaction screams childish to me. This is the first time your poor lads had friends over and he probably won't want to again.

cactusplant · 23/09/2018 14:40

Some kids are born evil

Jesus Christ, over tipping out a box of playmobil?
Where can I get a coupon for a perfect child like yours? Star

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 14:43

Fair enough cactus - I understand that’s possible.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 14:46

Their parents have not "let them" do that.

Well, they have, effectively. They were told they were playing "Let's make a mess" and understood what that meant as they said "they like playing that." And then they went upstairs to check and came back saying it was "a bit messy." Presumably thinking it was OK.

They've seen them play this ridiculous and unacceptable game before and not put a stop to it. Therefore they've effectively "let it happen" here.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 23/09/2018 14:46

You can easily tell the difference between a genuine apology and a "politician's apology" which is "I'm sorry if you were offended or upset" which means that you're not sorry at all about the initial incident.

I agree with you OP - had my children ever behaved like that they would have been cleaning it all up and I would have been grovelling to you in apology. Just awful behaviour and despite what people are saying it's really not normal to trash a house for fun. Hope you're feeling better today, OP.

3WildOnes · 23/09/2018 14:46

My kids have never made a mess anywhere close to that, it just wouldn’t occur to them and they would know they would just have to tidy it up. They can be bratty in plenty of other ways though.
I once looked after the sweetest three year old and put him to sleep in my son room. When I came up the room had been completely trashed, including toys broken and pages ripped from books! I was so shocked! He was actually a very sweet boy. I guess he had a moment of madness.

PorkFlute · 23/09/2018 14:54

You can’t even be 100% sure your son didn’t start it. Kids don’t play the same way alone as they do when they are excited and have friends over!
And I’m sorry but your idea of an acceptable apology is ridiculous. You would offer time in lieu if they didn’t want help tidying???? I’ve got an image of you down on your hands and knees weeding someone’s path and apologising repeatedly for your sons awful, evil behaviour while they’re going ‘really, it’s fine!’

Loopytiles · 23/09/2018 14:55

Bad behaviour at ages 7 and 5.

Very rude of your friends not to offer to assist with the clear up.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/09/2018 15:00

The worst thing here is the parents attitude - it wouldn't be nearly so bad of they were apologetic and helped to clear up. I think it is worth risking a friendship over because it's about the parents lack of respect for you and your home.
People who allow their dc to trash other people's homes, often have pristine houses themselves and would not tolerate this behaviour from their own or other people's dc in their own house.

Maintaining friendships with people whose parenting is very different to your own, is incredibly hard, unless you only see them without the kids.
None of thrm would be welcome in mine again - it's tempting to bill them for the broken toys!

jalopy · 23/09/2018 15:01

Looks like my son's room at university.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 15:03

I would have been beyond mortified if my kids had behaved as these two did. Result: they never did, because my expectations and boundaries were a bit less lax than this.
The casual response of these parents indicates that their kids might not be receiving many play-date invitations in future. Anywhere. Word gets around.

PorkFlute · 23/09/2018 15:03

They offered to clear up but the op didn’t want them going through her stuff.

Vinylsamso · 23/09/2018 15:08

I’ve only skimmed the thread but I can’t see I’d of taken the same course of action. MN leads me to believe that I must be in the top 1% of laid back people as I just don’t get why people get so upset over things that are non issues to me.
I reckon it would take me about 20 mins to tidy that all up. When my Son has friends over it’s quite normal for every toy to be pulled out on the floor. Not as bad as above admittedly but still enough to make your heart sink.
I admit I would have thought they were little shits and I’d probably of loudly told my child off so the parent knew what was going on but I’d never have txt them or told them I was mad with them. Personally I can’t fathom the upset. Just one of them things, supervise more next time or don’t have them over again. Thank your lucky stars you have a tidy kid. Issue over surely?

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 15:15

It took over 3 hours vinyl and that was 2 people (although admittedly we tag-teamed as we had the baby to look after)

Pork - her son told her it was his idea and he instigated it and it’s their game.

I’m saying I’d have said something like ‘ok, I’ll go and clean the kitchen for you whilst you start this - again, I’m so sorry’

We have different viewpoints and that’s fine.

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 15:15

Personally I can’t fathom the upset
Then maybe you should find some empathy.

The OP has PND and a young baby. Little sleep. The embarrassment of her underwear strewn around for all to see, plus medication.
You think 20 minutes would be enough? To sort out jumbled jigsaws all over the place?

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 15:16

Vinyl - would you honestly be ok with your dirty underwear strewn everywhere?

OP posts:
Aprilsinparis · 23/09/2018 15:17

This happened to me when my nephews, the same age, were visiting. I thought they were playing nicely upstairs, with my two DS. After they left I went upstairs, and it was a replica of the mess you were left with. I was feckin fuming!

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 15:17

Sorry - I’m crying again now. This is obviously more about my PND than anything. I’ll just try to shrug it all off - I think I just must be over reacting.

OP posts:
madeyemoodysmum · 23/09/2018 15:18

Friendship would be over. When mi e were tinies my mates always did a bit of clearing up before they went home.
We all pitched in and cleared up the worst mess.
And it wasn't ANYTHING like yours!!

madeyemoodysmum · 23/09/2018 15:21

You really aren't over reacting.

Kids do this yes but your friends lack of concern says it all.

They are not true friends.

Pinkyponkcustard · 23/09/2018 15:22

That sounds is horrendous, the kids behaviour is bad enough but I would have expected the parents to help tidy up.

Absolutely not normal and not acceptable.

Vinylsamso · 23/09/2018 15:26

No I’d be pissed off and embarrassed my knickers were chucked about but just not to an extent where I was really mad about it. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me as much as I’d be able to tidy it up much quicker. I could steam through that pretty quick.
Your saying I need empathy? So because she has pnd she’s right about everything? I don’t deny she is upset and this is probably linked to her pnd because I just don’t think a happy, grounded person would find this so distressing.
So therefore is she right to go mental over this? In my opinion no. Does the fact she has PND mean it’s more likely to effect her. Yes. I’m sorry she has PND and I’m sorry her friends kids are a bit wild. However you’ve all just encouraged her to lose a friend just over a bit of mess!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 23/09/2018 15:28

You are absolutely NOT over-reacting.

And how long it may or may not have taken Vinyl to clear up, and I call bullshit on that is irrelevant. It took you and your dh a long time, and you shouldn't have been put in that position. You're well within your rights to be upset about that.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 15:30

I’ve already said many times I’m not cutting off my friendship - just that I’m going to have some space for a while.

I do think less of my friends but that doesn’t mean I hate them or never want to see them again.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 23/09/2018 15:31

@merryoldgoat it doesn't have to be either or.

It was a shitty parenting moment from your friends, you don't allow that type of game at another persons house - if they had the slightest inkling they should of had a brainwave and put a stop to it. Your not solely responsible for supervision just because it's your house.

However I wouldnt call off a friendship over it especially if overall your son enjoyed having people over. Just meet them at a park next time.

Wishing you well as I know PND is hard (personal experience) but you don't have to feel like all of your emotions are caused by it.

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