To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

[Merryoldgoat]

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

They did try to help a bit but as I said before I didn’t want them going through my underwear, medication notes etc - I was genuinely so shocked. I just wanted them to go.

We’ve just finished tidying the room - toys away etc and clothes out but the clothes are yet to be sorted - that’s for tomorrow. Over 3 hours. Lots of toys have been broken and trampled. Boxes are all squashed.

I said I’ll cool off a bit. I won’t end the friendship at all - I’m just saying that if they see this thread THEY might!

I’m going to bed now. Thank you for all of your replies.

I’ve learned a lesson today.

I'd be fuming too OP!! How disgraceful of the parents who had seen it but didn't bother to tell their kids off or even offer to help. How embarrassing!!
This post has reminded me of two different occasions at my house.
One was when we had a friend over with her son who is a simular age to my daughter (They were around 5 and 6 at the time). They get on fairly well and would play upstairs so I'd expect some mess. However, this particular child would trash my daughter's room, break her toys on purpose and the final thing was when he PISSED on my daughter's bed!! I was absolutely livid!! His mum and I questioned him about why he done that and if it was an accident because he didn't make it to the toilet in time but no, his reply was 'I was bored and thought it would be funny because you (his mum) don't let me do it at home' seriously wtf?!

An other time was when my SIL was visiting with her son (3 at the time) and my DPs mum. Don't get me wrong I love my nephew but he really is a spoilt little shit and has now developed an awful attitude to match. He also played the same game of let's tip every box out in my daughter's room despite her telling him no he shouldn't do that (shes quite abit older than him) but he would answer back with I don't care what you say I can do what I want. Of course when SIL and MIL heard of this they insisted he would never say such a thing or tip all the toys out.
When he was alot younger and had just learned to walk, he would get all the items from the units in the front room and try to smash them, SIL and MIL would never tell him off at all and would just laugh and say oh look bless him. My DP ended up telling him off.
The final time on a different occasion was when he was round and went up to my daughter's room to play. I then here my daughter say NO stop doing that, You're being very naughty. I went up to see what was happening and the little shit had drawn all over my daughter's wall and then picked at the wallpaper to teared a HUGE bit of. His SIL and MIL came up to see what the fuss was about and instead of telling my nephew off they laughed and MIL said ooh dear! Kids will be kids eh? rolled her eyes and chuckled. My SIL had the cheek to say 'oh nevermind, you were going to decorate in here anyway he's just given you a head start' she then turned to nephew and said 'come on darling, we've got to go now, we will get you a new toy and a happy meal on the way'
I had to walk passed them and lock myself in the bathroom before I punched my SIL and MIL for their shit parenting! There reason for everything and for never telling him off is because he was born premature. Drives me fucking mad.

Is this a new normal?

When my dd was young my house would be full of children every afternoon and I never, ever had to deal with anything like that.

Where they trying to get your child in trouble do you think.
Bet they don’t play that game in their house.
By the attitude don’t think you have lost anything by cooling the friendship and certainly not have them over your house again

Something that takes you 3 hours to tidy up isn’t normal mess. The parents must be ferrals if they thought that was just a “bit” messy. I’d never have them over again. I would also let the parents know how long it took you to clean up.

If they don’t send you flowers or something as an apology (a 3 hour clean up is LONG) I would end the friendship. Dealing with a family like that will be too much like hard work in the long term, they’ll always be doing things that are socially unacceptable or just plain rude.

It sounds so dramatic, but I feel like I can’t see them again. I have a real emotional reaction which might be OTT but they knew what that game entailed and didn’t stop it.

I honestly feel like my son was a bit taken advantage of. He’d obviously very easily led. I’ve absolutely told him off and hold him accountable too, but he’d NEVER do that alone. There’s plenty he would and I’m on alert for it when I’m out as well as at home and I properly monitor him.

And to the earlier poster who said I sent ‘arsey’ messages - I didn’t. They were not confrontational, rude or unpleasant. I simply made clear this was way more than normal mess and that I felt upset.

These people are feral.

It seems quite a few people are missing the real point. It's not just the mess they left behind; it's the disgusting attitude that they can treat someone else's house and belongings in such an appalling way. That's never okay.

People like this would never be allowed to set foot in my house again, and I wouldn't have any interest in associating with them in any way.

My friend's boys once played EXACTLY this game in my son's room. They also called it the mess game (they were 9 and 5 and their home life was difficult at the time). My son came downstairs and tried to tell me how bad it was, but I didn't believe him really.

When my friend saw what they had done, she was mortified and tried to help me clear it up. She also made her kids help, but I could see that she was close to tears, so I sent her home and told her it wouldn't take long.

It didn't end our friendship at all, and I did have her kids round again - but we supervised them quite closely for a while!

Not destroyed. Not bumped, damaged, ruined.
But, Yes,a very big mess. Which has probably now been cleared up. Every right to be cross. Disgraceful from 2 that age. Spoilt entitled children is my guess. The parents seem clueless, which probably means your friendship won't be that close anyway?

I would expect visitors to leave a place as they found it. This certainly looks extreme and I wouldn't be inviting them back anytime soon. It shows a lack of respect for other people's things. Yes, it looks like this friendship is over, I'm afraid. This isn't normal in my book - there are lots of nicer people around to make friends with.

I'd be upset as well OP. Those kids and their parents have behaved appallingly.

You've obviously got enough on your plate with PND, a SN child and presumably a small baby as well. It's really crappy that your friends are ok with the idea that you'd have a trashed house to deal with as well.

They are selfish jerks, they've shown you exactly how much they care and I wouldn't see them again if I were you.

I would be so angry! I’d not have them back and when your son have other play dates in future have a rule that the room is tidied before the children leave. I had a friend over with her 8 year old a while back he jumped all over my furniture (think sitting on the back of the sofa with feet on cushions) and she was so ineffective and sorting it out. When they left I found he had spilt Ribena on my brand new light grey sofa!! I will not be inviting them back (was to polite to tell her what he’d done afterwards)

I can understand why you cannot see them again. I don't think it is unreasonable to not be forgiving of people if they don't take responsibility for their actions. If they are defensive it is precisely BECAUSE they know they done fucked up.

Maybe don't NC them but have a long gap - only be polite and neutral unless they do offer to fix the damage.

I had a friend like that - her children came around and destroyed things - like smashed to pieces a chair by jumping on it so all the wood joints were broken. She denied it was her children - my children are older and had tried to stop them - we had had that chair for 10 years with lots of children visiting and I saw them do it - told them to stop which they ignored. They broke other items too. I stopped inviting the children over and now friendship has broken down

I really don’t know what goes through people’s minds when they think that’s acceptable - from what I can see it’s selective blindness because the would not let other people’s children do that in their homes

@Merryoldgoat I totally totally understand your feelings, you feel disrespected and justifiably.

But you are suffering from PND are these people good friends who help you with that?

Will the children have been told off a d be more respectful next time?

I suppose what I'm saying is don't let this incident take away good parts of your friendship?

I’m chronically ill and disabled and have always been too ill to tidy dds room. Dh had to come home from work clear up each time dds room was messed up from having friends over when she was younger. She’s 10 now. I have never had such extreme mess though and goodness knows how I’d cope if we did. That’s disgusting.

You are also vulnerable. You have pnd, a child with sn and a small baby, I assume. You say the parents knew what the game entailed? This really is not a good friend if she and her husband cannot see how inappropriately they let their children behave. If she sees this post and decides she no longer wants to be friends with you. So be it. She / her dh don’t sound like a good friends anyway. Good friends don’t let their ill friends be taken advantage of like this. Disgraceful.

No wonder you need to take a good break from them.

This happened to me pre kids. So no toys but they ripped books and broke other things which were out, constantly banging doors and looking into every cupboard in the kitchen. The friend didn't stop her kids at all. I shouldn't have to be the one to tell them no? They weren't listening to me when I did either.
I let them come again and it was worse. After that I stopped. I had to spend hours cleaning up little crumbs in the carpet as it wasn't easily being hoovered up (think rice). Things broken. I would dread to think what would have happened with kids toys.
Sadly you get two opposites. Either their house is entirely messy or really clean. Kids go haywire at your place.
I always tells me kids at home and at other places how to behave as this is what my mum did with me and I'm not as stern as my mum was but it instilled values and respect for other people's things whereas certain cousins of mine had no respect at all and as a kid it didn't feel good. I am too nice at times and now as a parent I need to learn not to be as they obviously do not care about my kids feelings!
To be honest play dates and catch ups less often are more than welcome with a certain type. I know many others who will absolutely clean up their kids mess or keep an eye on them because their kids are their reasonability and won't use another person's house as a reason to turn off completely. Any kid could get easily influenced. I'm not saying my kids are perfect but whilst they can make a mess at home (not like the photo, they wouldn't think of it) they certainly wouldn't do that at another's house and my siblings and friends have more kids and craft for their kids than I could imagine.

This is awful. If my kids had done this I would be mortified, they would be punished and I would be round like a shot to help tidy up.

Mess is when they mix up some toys. I do like having all the legos one box, playmobile in another, etc but I accept that play dates mean they get mixed up - that is fine. Purposefully trashing a room is not. I had 10 kids over yesterday ranging from 3 to 13 and my DCs rooms were impeccable hen they left, they put everything in its place. The odd toy was in the living room/dining room but that was it.

I am sorry that this happened and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. How old are the kids? Irrespective though, we nearly had this when my kids were younger, but the noise alerted me to something being off..... so went and found something similar. My kids were as involved as their guests and were simply caught up in the moment. For a long time play dates were structured with supervision, now they are older they do go upstairs but the rules are clear to all as they enter, they are directed to toilets and reminded that my bedroon is out of bounds. At the end of play dates we go round together and tidy up.

That's horrendous op. And I am astonished at people saying you have overreacted.

Almost everybody seems to have overlooked the fact that you clearly have quite a young baby, are suffering from post natal depression and are presumably also knackered given you have an older child too. In that situation any of my friends who came around would have helped entertain my eldest, made the tea and done a brief toy tidy-up before they left. What kind of a person visits someone with a new baby and makes their life harder?!

Bunch of arseholes.

I don’t mind if it’s toy mess, ie get all the toys out to play with but I’d be upset if they emptied out cupboards, wardrobes, bathroom etc, that’s not playing, it’s being naughty.

And any play dates upstairs I am strict about where they can play “you can play with the toys in DS room and if you need the loo, it’s here but you are not to go in my room or DS brother room.”

If they ever come again you make them tidy before they leave!

Everything we've had friends with kids over, I've been shocked at how the children rampage through the house...even daring to go into our bedroom and the parents don't say anything so I have to explain myself to their dc that they are not allowed in our room. Why don't parents tell their dc not to do this?

I never answered the question. With children this age. “What’s going on in here.” In a loud, parental voice. (Energy permitting). I don’t care if the parents aren’t taking control. I would tell them to stop. This is my home. If I’m not well, I would tell the parents their kid needs to stop NOW and tell them they need to tidy up. If they refused I’d ask them to leave to prevent future destruction. That is if I feel I can with these people. It would be different with nasty family members, who pose a physical threat.

Did the parents see the dirty laundry? From the photo it’s difficult to see as the room is an almighty mess.