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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with the incredibly spoiled children of your friends?

287 replies

Merryoldgoat · 22/09/2018 22:54

Just that really.

We’ve had some friends over today with their children.

It was awful. They’re overindulged little drama lamas and they absolutely destroyed my son’s room.

Their parents were entirely unconcerned.

I sent a message after they left to explain the extent of the horror and they’re apologetic but I honestly am shocked.

My son is no angel by any stretch but he’d never behave like that, never.

I feel very upset by the lack of respect.

I’m suffering from PND so am a bit sensitive and I don’t really know what I want to say. I just had to vent a bit,

OP posts:
ZeroThirty · 23/09/2018 07:50

I'm sorry but you clearly admit that no one was checking on these kids playing a "messy game".

Your son was involved.

I think you're finding comfort in blaming the other kids too much

loveisland · 23/09/2018 08:00

So you were so engrossed in the convo downstairs and the new baby chit chat that none of the 4 adults thought about checking what was going on upstairs being that you just said your son is autistic? And that amount of mess would of caused noise that none of you picked up on?
So depending on the friendship I would swallow my pride and text my mate sorry about yesterday I was a bit stressed about other things, we have cleared the room, you're welcome to come over but we will have to keep a closer eye on the rugrats when they get together.
Those kids aren't spoilt they are 7 and 5, you let them have free run with no supervision and boundaries!

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 23/09/2018 08:00

As you know these children have form, why didn't the alarm bells go off when they said they were making a mess, or the parents said it was a bit messy?

I agree this is shocking - toy boxes tipped out and stuff left on the floor, fine and normal, but board games and puzzles deliberately tipped out for the sake of tipping out, dirty washing (!) and clean ironing (!!!) dragged in from elsewhere and thrown around - that's deliberate destructiveness for the sake of it. I'd go as far as to say it's either about the thrill of seeing how far you can go in someone else's environment or enacting values learned from the parents to the effect that others' spaces don't matter, are there for their entertainment and they can do what they like in them.

No reason to demonise the children, every reason to have very strong words with the parents and not invite back for a good long while.

coolcahuna · 23/09/2018 08:08

I've had this too with friends. We were hosting a party for a big group of friends - I was busy doing food etc so couldn't be checking kids all time.

All parents were present ! 2 kids totally trashed our playroom and trod mud everywhere. My two were really upset and we've never had them back! I feel your pain.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 08:12

I’ve said I got it wrong with the supervision, 100% and my son is not at all blameless and was told off and punished.

I was naive - I had no idea they would do that - it’s just nothing like I’ve ever seen.

I didn’t send nasty texts and I’m not going NC but I need a bit of space from the situation.

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 23/09/2018 08:13

Friends wouldn't go home leaving a mess like that behind them for you to deal with.

My dc have run a bit wild and done out of character behaviour when we've had other kids visiting. Lesson learned.

oohyoudevilyou · 23/09/2018 08:13

Bloody hell...the state of that bedroom!! Shock Didn't you HEAR them wreaking havoc? I'd've been up their bellowing at them way before it got that bad - they'd all have been brought downstairs under the watchful eyes of the adults and stuck in front of a DVD. I'm afraid I never leave kids of that age upstairs for more that a few minutes - I tend to set up some toys or activity on the dining table if it's too wet to play outside. We only have a small house though.

famousfour · 23/09/2018 08:16

That is bad. Deliberately making an enormous mess is basically disrespectful. And 7 and 5 is plenty old enough to know how to behave. I say this as someone whose kids have misbehaved on a play date by making a big mess once (no idea why - it’s not how they usually behave) and they got an absolute rocket. And they were considerably younger.

Nicpem1982 · 23/09/2018 08:17

You have my sympathy op

I had a friend who let her son trash my living room whilst i was making lunch she literally sat down and watched as he tipped every game and toy out of its box abd threw the pieces around.... Took ages to sort out.

They havent been back

abacucat · 23/09/2018 08:18

You should be able to leave a 7 and 5 year old to play and not have that happen. And I bet they do not do that in their own house.

Cachailleacha · 23/09/2018 08:19

I wouldn't expect that from a 2 year old, let alone school aged children.

Schmoochypoos · 23/09/2018 08:20

This is awful OP, I’ll admit I wouldn’t have even thought children would do this, for fun!? But then my DS wouldn’t play like this either.

I have a friend with v spoilt children, she doesn’t believe in saying no!? The eldest and youngest are by far the most badly behaved children I know. Last time they were at mine her DS 3yo went upstairs (we don’t play upstairs particularly as we have a play room) and went into DS1 room ripped a page out of a book and broke a clay model he had made. Didn’t say a word to his mum so I didn’t spot it until later on and then I felt too awkward to mention anything

SweetheartNeckline · 23/09/2018 08:24

Hope it seems easier to tackle this morning. It looks pretty bad but at the end of a long day must have seem insurmountable

We have regular playdates with up to 10 kids aged 2-7 - they've been brought up playing together so boundaries are firmly established and we've never had anything like this - Lego all over, sure, but not deliberate trashing. Even so, we take it in turns to pop up every 5 minutes or so which is probably not a bad strategy for next time. We also have no qualms about talking sharply to any of the kids. Appreciate this is more difficult if you don't know them well but at 5+ they are presumably at school so used to boundaries there if not at home.

I hope you enjoyed catching up with your friends Brew

eddielizzard · 23/09/2018 08:27

I would be beside myself. No way would I ever invite them again. Ever.

I think you handled it remarkably well. You've told them you're upset and that it's more than just a little mess. That's what they need to hear. I'd be tempted to send them the picture, but since you've already texted, it's probably too late for that.

Next time? There's no next time. I would have done exactly the same in your shoes.

And never never never ever have them over again.

finn1020 · 23/09/2018 08:29

I absolutely don’t think you were in any way to blame because you didn’t go upstairs to check on them. They had plenty of supervision that was age appropriate. Their parents went upstairs to check, the kids had been downstairs a few times and you had no reason to think your guests would trash your son’s room. There should have been no need to helicopter parent at the ages of the visiting kids. What they did, and the parents reaction was simply unacceptable.

TheProvincialLady · 23/09/2018 08:30

Not worth losing a friendship over? It absolutely is. I could not be friends with someone who saw the mess their children and had made and didn’t try to clean it up immediately, with apologies.

As for being left friendless in a tidy house - I have never had to end a friendship this way, never mind all my friendships, so OP I
think it’s worth the risk.

MsDugong · 23/09/2018 08:33

YANBU

One of my children once made a huge mess in a friend's bedroom, aged about 5. It wasn't on the scale that you've just experienced but it was bad, especially considering it was all done in the space of about 5 minutes (we were checking on them). I was mortified and utterly apologetic. My child got a telling off there and then and was told to go and tidy it. The other parent said not to worry too much but my child still did a few minutes tidying before we left. My child then got another telling off at home and was told that any sign of repeat behaviour like that would mean no more play dates for a while. I also pointed out that this type of behaviour could lead to her not being invited on play dates again anyway! The other parent got another apology from me and I told her what I'd said to my child.

Kids will be kids but parents need to be parents!! And what those children did in your house is waaaaay beyond typical kid stuff.

Thatstheendofmytether · 23/09/2018 08:33

My son's have a couple of friends who are brothers and wmeverytime they come round they do exactly what those kids have done. My son's don't do that when they have other friends in but when they're here the room gets trashed in about 3 minutes. It's infuriating and I give them all he'll everytime.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 08:37

Honestly, I take some responsibility for not checking on them - I was very naive.

People asking if they’re good friends - they are VERY good friends and we’ve known them years but we don’t often socialise with the children and in the past they’re played downstairs.

I’ve always thought the children were a bit overindulged but that’s not my business, they’ve never been destructive, and I just parent differently. Today was probably the longest time we’ve all spent together and as the afternoon progressed I saw behaviour I felt was spoiled - it’s not just based on the room being messed up.

Those of you that offered words of support I am really grateful. I’m feeling very vulnerable and this was just hard to cope with.

I’ve not slept very well as the baby did his best impression of a limpet all night but we have a quiet day today so I’ll get the chance to rest later I hope.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 23/09/2018 08:37

I have a friend with a kid like this, has no respect for other people’s stuff and has been known to deliberately break things as well as make a horrendous mess. He’s not allowed in my house any more.

Santaclarita · 23/09/2018 08:43

Jesus if a kid of mine did that they wouldn't be leaving till it was tidy and they'd be grounded, no TV, no games, nothing. Rude little shits. And people think that's OK? God help your children.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 23/09/2018 08:47

Dont have them back

BakedBeans47 · 23/09/2018 08:51

The “make a mess game” disrespectful little fuckers. At 5 and 7 they should be beyond this kind of thing.

YANBU

Roussette · 23/09/2018 08:51

I said I’ll cool off a bit. I won’t end the friendship at all - I’m just saying that if they see this thread THEY might!

My best friend had 3 DSs who were complete horrors. When we went to her house, I cannot begin to put into words how they behaved. They lived in a huge 6 bedroomed victorian house and had masses of toys, jigsaws, lego etc.

Their favourite game was to literally make a mountain of all the toys, jigsaws, lego, all emptied out, and trashed. Then they would strip all the beds and pile all the bedding on top in the high ceilinged hall, until it reached about 8 foot. My friend used to think they were having fun, boys will be boys, my DCs were just agog at it, and they aren't perfect but just could not comprehend how their Mummy would let them do this, so they just watched.

When they came to our house it was a complete nightmare because I was on their case the whole time, there was NO WAY they were going to trash our house.

The way my best friend parented really tested our friendship and now all the DCs are adults, we aren't so close because the DSs at times treat her like mud on their shoe with their entitlement. (She hasn't had a birthday present from them ... ever, for instance). We have different values and have grown apart.
So, OP, if your friend thinks this is OK, that will probably set her style of parenting for good. It is NOT OK to leave someone's house in that mess. Sympathies.

TomHardysNextWife · 23/09/2018 08:52

OP just the fact that they saw the mess and left a couple with a young baby to deal with it on their own is appalling.

I've got 3 DDs so we've had a lot of playdates over the years, but there have been at least half a dozen kids that came once and never got asked back. We had a playroom and I remember walking in once to every box turned upside down. It took about 3 days on and off to sort out puzzles, lego sets, etc. I think you were very wise to text them and say how upset you were. And don't ever have them back Flowers