Ungrateful f#cker!

[LostPuppy]

Am I being unreasonable?

Ok here's how it works.

I get up around 6.40 every morning and have a bath, shave and get dressed. Then around 7 I get the boys up, make their breakfast, make my own breakfast, empty the dishwasher, make my lunch, then get the 2 year old dressed, change his nappy and clean his and his elder brother's teeth and wash their faces. Whilst this goes on DW has a bath and makes the bed.

This morning I got delayed (putting the bins out) so didn't have time to change and dress DS2. When I said I wouldn't be able to do it, I thought I'd be helpful and put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, a 30 second job unlike changing and dressing that takes 5 minutes or more.

Rather than be grateful for this, DW sarcastically remarked "oh you've got time for that but not to get him dressed have you"!

Well frankly f#ck you was what I thought. I was running late and was trying to be kind, but all I get is abuse. I couldn't be much more helpful in the mornings. I am tempted to work to rule and just get myself ready for work rather that feed and dress the three of us.

Personally I wouldn't dream of criticising in such a manner if the roles were reversed and all I'd done was have a bath and made a bed. It hardly makes the person getting the children ready for school feel appreciated does it.

Another example of what lawyers might call "unreasonable behaviour" is this. Occasionally I'll forget to give DS2 his fish oil, but rather than say to him, "did dad give your IQ" and just give him a sachet if the answer is no, she'll be like "how many more times has this happened" and start a row in front of the boys.

I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't good enough. If DS1 has had porridge and made a bit of a mess she'll criticise me for not completely clearing up. If that was me I'd have thanked her in my head for feeding him and simply got out the kitchen roll or a sponge and in 10 seconds the mess is gone, but she'll seemingly seethe about this and give me a hard time for it

Am I being unreasonable not to expect abuse? Sounds to me like I'm being taken for granted.

This isnt to say that DW doesn't work bloody hard by the way! She cooks, cleans and generally parents whilst I am out at work. But the point is I often thank her for this and never criticise. Its a job I dont think I'd have the patience for. But if I think something isn't right I'll say something when the boys are in bed, not start a row in front of them!

Frankly I'm just whipped aren't I!

She shouldn't be starting a row with you in front of the kids. Have you told her you don't like the way she speaks to you and it has to stop?

I'd be utterly delighted and most appreciative if my dh did half as much as you do each morning!!

I don't think you're being taken for granted as she probably feels that you are their dad and it's your responsibilty too. However, a thank you on your dw's part wouldn't go amiss.

Hope you get it sorted

No you are not being unreasonable BTW - BUT

Sometimes it can feel that the other person is getting all the 'good' bits of parenting - and you are getting the cleaning up.

for example - you fed him his porridge - feeding toddlers is fun! Cleaning up after them isn't.

Maybe if this happens a lot she is feeling a bit skivvyish.

ae you my dp?

not that he does any of this in the mornings btw, but he is generally as hands-on as me however I am uber-critical if anything goes awry.

I do apologise afterwards though - bet she's feeling bad about it too.

You're not being unreasonable at all. My dh is like you and does a lot in the mornings while I try and get an hour more of sleep as I'm up 4/5 times a night feeding ds2. I really appreciate what he does though and thank my lucky stars that he's so helpful. We have our ups and downs but nothing really serious and we get through the bad times. You've reminded me I owe him a thanks

I do thi to my shame, DH is very hands-on and helps lots with the kids and the house, but I do get annoyed with things like cleaning up after he has fed the kids, forgetting that he has done the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, and tidied the living room.

Colditz,

There is certainly a lot of skivvying to be done as a parent, which is why I am more than happy to do my morning routine.

I have told her several times to not have rows in front of the kids, I cant remember a single argument between my mum and dad though clearly as I got older I could see things weren't always a bed of roses. Whether this made me a better or worse person no-one will ever know.

But the point is 'dont pick on a husband who tries to help out cos all you'll do is push him away'.

you're welcome round at my house any day!

"feeding toddlers is fun!"!!!! Can I send you my toddler? You obviously have more patience than me for the endless playing with food, trying to shampoo hair with weetabix etc etc

I am like this sometimes. My explanation (no excuse really) is that I feel overwhelmed with responsibility and that I am drowning in all the humdrum stuff that needs doing every day. It sounds like she is struggling with tiredness, boredom and feeling like a drudge (not your fault, just the joys of being a SAHM). Does she get enough sleep? Does she get time to herself? Does she exercise and see friends without the children? These are all ways of improving her mood and coping with the ennui of it all.

Also I think we all tend to reproduce ways that our parents did things and it is very hard to break the cycle of that.

I think it is worth bringing this up with her but also cut her a little slack about it if she can't always be cheerful. It's great that you thank her and don't criticise - keep on with that and show her ways to deal with conflict without undermining the other person.

Crikey, I think your DW is being extremely ungrateful. I wish my DH would do just one of the things you do, let alone all of them. I wonder if there's something bothering your DW and she's taking it out on you? Is she happy being at home or does she find it frustrating or boring? Might be worth a chat to see if there's anything on her mind which could explain her behaviour.

Sorry, I do think you are being unreasonable.

If you do a chore half hearted so she has to finish the job, forget to do a chore or plain don't have time...you are not helping.

When is your wife meant to fit in all these additional chores ? If she has to follow you around finishing chores, checking you have remembered to do chores in the first place and find time to do the chores you didn't have time for...in the long run she is more stressed out, than if you did nothing.

Hmm, the whole doing the dishwasher as opposed to dressing ds2 thing... is she quite rigid about how she wants things done? I say this because my dp isn't very good with priorities.

As in when we have people coming round for dinner and I ask him to take something upstairs for me, he'll take it upstairs, notice the spare bed still needs putting up (which I asked him to do months ago) and start doing that while I'm racing around downstairs trying to wash up, hoover, empty the bins, brush my hair and find suitable sandwich fillings all at once!

He doesn't understand why I get angry when he's still "helping" in his eyes. Perhaps you need to talk about both your expectations about the morning routine? She shouldn't be shouting at you in front of the kids, and it does sound like you do quite a bit fwiw.

Lots more than my dp does anyway! This morning all he did was wash himself, eat the cereal I had put in a bowl for him, and put on the shirt I ironed for him. (He's not usually quite that useless in fairness but he got up late for work)

How is she managing in general? Maybe she feels that you're all in control and can manage everything and she feels she can't compete so when you get things "wrong" she jumps on it to make herself feel better.

Or she might just be an ungrateful cow!

You know your wife, is there something deeper going on or not?

she should be more nice to you and not pick about the small things, lots of men would use going to work as an excuse not to do a thing around the house so she is lucky to have you.

you seem to realise what she does for you so I can see why you would want her to notice the effort you make for her.

I would also like to say that the title of this thread shows a less than respectful attitude towards your wife.

Do you expect too much gratitude from her?

BabiesEverywhere,

By your reasoning it would be better if I did bugger all. That way I couldnt upset her by doing half a job, right?

Can you imagine the seething resentment that would cause over a number of years though? Suddenly having two teenage children and realisng you actually are a slave rather than a parent.

I share the cleaning and cooking and parenting as much as I can because much of it is thankless and frankly shitty (literally in the case of nappies). I know several men who have never touched their kids nappies, and I bet their wives secretly hate them.

Actually babieseverywhere has a good point. If a job is done half-arsed then it may as well not be done, there's nothing more frustrating than having to say re-wash the pots because you discover your dp has washed up in cold water using the wrong sponge, or hoovers the middle of the carpet but none of the edges, or puts some washing on but leaves a pair of dirty knickers gusset side up halfway down the stairs which you only notice AFTER your visitors have gone.

and breaaaaathe....

so, let me get this right.... you have a full time job and she is a SAHM?

She is critical of you because you don't do enough?

that right?

In our house, dp goes out to work at his full time job, and I stay at home with the kids.

He does help out, but I don't expect him to do anything. It's my job to get everything done, and anything that he does for me is a bonus.

I for one don't think you're being unreasonable and I think the thread title is appropriate.

Cascara

The title was just deliverately provocative to bring people here thinking this was a rant about a husband.

I respect her and what she does for me and the children immensely. I tell her this, and I tell my friends of all sexes this too.

Maybe she is just fed up, and feels her lige is mundane. Never mind the helping out with the children and giving them their IQ oil - what about arranging dinner at a nice restaurant and a babysitter?
I am sure you are not one of these, but there is a tendency amongst some men to assume that changing a baby's nappy or stacking the dishwasher means a blow job at the very least.

Ah okay! I actually assumed it was going to be a rant about a friend!

Look, the best person to talk to is your wife. Get someone to mind the kids, sit down and discuss it as calmly as you can, explain how you're both feeling so you can move past it. It sounds like you both want the workload to be more or less equally shared, so just talk it out and make it happen, even if it means a dreaded rota!

I would certainly never recommend couples have the 1950-s model of wife at home and husband working. It's a recipe for disaster in 2007 and most couples avoid it like the plague for obvious reasons but the original post here is more about personal relationships in general and not treating people nicely which we all shoudl try to do.

Tihe solutino is to get her back to full time work as soon as possible. Being a housewife is just too depressing for many women.

If this thread was about a husband I bet everyone would be sympathising with the op, I've noticed this before, the double standards.

Agree it may well be the frustration of having to finish off jobs someone else is feeling very virtuous for half-doing. Plus it sounds like she's really not a morning person - is she a lot nicer in the evenings? Dh and I sometimes end up rowing in the morning because I am NOT a morning person and he gets in my way/starts faffing around doing things that don't need doing right now rather than doing the urgent stuff in order to get ds off to school (he makes me a cup of tea which is very important but apart from that I'm lucky if he chucks ds a toothbrush).

Suggest you have a chat about not rowing in front of the kids - something ridiculous like putting a cross on the noticeboard to remind you to have a row later might be absurd enough to make you both giggle and forgive each other. Or at least have a chat when you are both calmer. And discuss morning routine and what would work for you both.