Ungrateful f#cker!

[LostPuppy]

Am I being unreasonable?

Ok here's how it works.

I get up around 6.40 every morning and have a bath, shave and get dressed. Then around 7 I get the boys up, make their breakfast, make my own breakfast, empty the dishwasher, make my lunch, then get the 2 year old dressed, change his nappy and clean his and his elder brother's teeth and wash their faces. Whilst this goes on DW has a bath and makes the bed.

This morning I got delayed (putting the bins out) so didn't have time to change and dress DS2. When I said I wouldn't be able to do it, I thought I'd be helpful and put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, a 30 second job unlike changing and dressing that takes 5 minutes or more.

Rather than be grateful for this, DW sarcastically remarked "oh you've got time for that but not to get him dressed have you"!

Well frankly f#ck you was what I thought. I was running late and was trying to be kind, but all I get is abuse. I couldn't be much more helpful in the mornings. I am tempted to work to rule and just get myself ready for work rather that feed and dress the three of us.

Personally I wouldn't dream of criticising in such a manner if the roles were reversed and all I'd done was have a bath and made a bed. It hardly makes the person getting the children ready for school feel appreciated does it.

Another example of what lawyers might call "unreasonable behaviour" is this. Occasionally I'll forget to give DS2 his fish oil, but rather than say to him, "did dad give your IQ" and just give him a sachet if the answer is no, she'll be like "how many more times has this happened" and start a row in front of the boys.

I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't good enough. If DS1 has had porridge and made a bit of a mess she'll criticise me for not completely clearing up. If that was me I'd have thanked her in my head for feeding him and simply got out the kitchen roll or a sponge and in 10 seconds the mess is gone, but she'll seemingly seethe about this and give me a hard time for it

Am I being unreasonable not to expect abuse? Sounds to me like I'm being taken for granted.

This isnt to say that DW doesn't work bloody hard by the way! She cooks, cleans and generally parents whilst I am out at work. But the point is I often thank her for this and never criticise. Its a job I dont think I'd have the patience for. But if I think something isn't right I'll say something when the boys are in bed, not start a row in front of them!

Frankly I'm just whipped aren't I!

Xenia, what if people believe that having a parent at home to bring up their own children is best for them? As I do. I'm a stay at home mum through choice, I gave birth to my children and wanted to bring them up myself not pass them over to someone else. I don't think it matters who stays at home (once breastfeeding is over as this is also important if you can do it) but for us it was always the plan that I would and I chose that. When the children are all at school I'll work again but I still want to be here for them when they get home from school to help them with homework, any troubles and generally be there to parent them.

Lostpuppy, sometimes when someone is feeling unhappy they take it out on those closest because they feel they can (as in they wont leave etc). Is your dw happy/ok at the moment. Has she always had high expectations or is this a recent change in behaviour?

Edam

Morning routine works great normally, its just this morning I was running late.

I appreciate the annoyance of a job half done, and I do TRY to do everything properly. but there are ways to handle those and arguing about it in front of the kids isnt how I'd choose to do it. We've discussed it before but she doesnt seem to think its an issue.

Xenia I totally disagree I am afraid. i would far rather my wife brought my children up than some spod at busybees!

Oh, and DW thinks so too by the way, I am not forcing this upon her!

Xenia, this isn't the right place to debate the old SAHM vs WM chestnut. The OP askes for advice on a specific problem, not a lifestyle choice. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh but it's an interesting thread and I'd hate to see it degenerate into an age-old argument.

Sorry, asks, not askes!

So you need to discuss how to handle it when you are running late without rowing in front of the kids, then. Preferably at night after the kids are in bed rather than in the morning...

I don't think seeing your parents row is the end of the world if you see them apologising and making up, btw. And if the row doesn't get completely OTT.

Lost Puppy

I am sorry that you have been ticked off.

Your situation does sound unfair. Think you should talk to her about it and maybe some relationship counselling?

Would it be possible for the children to spend a day a week in nursery or something just to enable DW to be able to do something for herself? Sounds like she is suffering from low self esteem.

I think you do a huge amount because you work full time too.
You are not being unreasonable.
Maybe, however, she is angry about something and that is why she jumps on you. Doesn't make it ok though...

LostPuppy - I do not think you are being unreasonable and if my DP just did one of the things that you do in the morning it would be a godsend! I work full time and so does he - but I do everything with regard to DD apart from one night a week when DP picks her up from nursery so I can go to the gym...! He has never bathed her, changed her or got any of her dinners ready. I think your DW is a very lucky lady and you show her some of the comments on this thread to prove it!

I think I am guilty of this sometimes. For example, dh bathed the kids on Thursday night whilst I was at spin cycle [me time!]

When I came home, with my sister in tow, he had left the bath water in the bath, left the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor & dd had been put to bed with wet hair.. I had a go at him Never mind that he had saved me from bathing them in the morning before school

However, I am always greatful to him when he does things like leaving washing away, emptying the dishwasher.. he doesn't wipe the table after dinner etc... but it's all ebb & flow isn't it, as I piss him off when I move his tools, or throw out the paper before he has read it...

You have definitely given me something to think about Lostpuppy

Lolly - I don't mean to cause offense, but your partner's deficiencies don't mean that normal parenting is saintly.

Lolly68

You see I just dont understand that. I havent progressed at work as far as i perhaps ought to have done because I leave shortly after 5 so I can be home to bath the kids and read one a story.

fireflyfairy2

Its like an episode of wife sawp isnt it )

Oh dear, you dw is very ungrateful isn't she. She should count her lucky stars that she has such a caring and considerate husband. I think you need to be firmer with her and not put up with such nasty bullying behaviour.

Lost Puppy, I am with Squonk!
However, I suppose some of the others had a point when they said you and your wife need to talk!
ROFLMAO at Xenia....you couldn't resist bringing the whole working out of the home mum vias SAHM thing into this then, lol!

Thanking her lucky stars is going a bit far though

~By your reasoning it would be better if I did bugger all. That way I couldnt upset her by doing half a job, right?~

Yes, I do believe that if you do a job you do it properly or not at all.

I bet if you asked your wife, she would rather you did one job properly, in a complete way and never needed reminding about it...than to do 6/7 jobs half arsed.

LP, you sound like my DH who does a lot for our 3yo DTS. I think your DW is being unreasonable and should be grateful for your efforts because a lot of guys out there do absolutely nothing.

I also agree with JodieG about the double standards on this thread. If it was the man behaving like that, many posters would be baying for his blood rather than trying to understand him.

I'm like this .

If he cooks dinner, he cooks the wrong dinner for them (lack of veg etc), if he does bedtime, clothes are randomly dumped where they stood etc - and it is that that I comment on rather than the job being done.

It is wearing though to be finishing jobs all the time.

With this morning and the child dressing/dishwasher - I think I would have felt the same tbh. If you always change DS2, and she always puts the dishes away and it suddenly changes it throws you, and it seems a bigger deal than it its (rationally, yes the dishes was a quicker job to do, but in the moment it just seems like you are saying you're late but then still faffing about iyswim).

You do deserve thanks though - but not everyone thanks in the same way. I don't often say a direct "thank you", but I will do little things that show I am grateful.

lostpuppy, you have reminded me I need to appreciate my dh more. He does not do any of what you do in the mornings (he works ft, me pt but currently at home on maternity leave). But he is pretty much flatout with childcare and chores when he gets home and weekends.

Is your dw feeling that you have the easier time by being able to go out to work? I personally find working much easier than being at home with children - like a holiday. So when my dh complains he is tired or does a half-baked job at home, I think well at least you got to "rest" by being at work, so what is your excuse? He gets to go for nice lunches, read on the train, sit at the computer without little beings crawling all over the keyboard.

Maybe your dw thinks the division of work is unfair? Truth is, both of you are probably working flatout anyway ( I assume your sons are below or around 5), but the grass just seems greener ... It is a tough time

Squonk,

I dont think she's critical because I dont do enough, there isnt much more I could reasonably do. I think she's just naturally critical. And I dont do it for gratitude, i do it because I know what a shitty thankless task being a SAHM can be.

I dont take criticism well, (spoiled child)so if I've done all the jobs as per a usual morning to get criticised for not doing something to her satisfaction just makes me want to say 'sod it' and bugger off and leave it all to her.

Plus, DW doesnt expect me to do anything, I do it because I can. But she does appreciate it, so it is a dangerous route for her to take to start criticising.

Ok, I will confess that I nipped at dh this morning because last night he said that he'd give ds his breakfast (and actually went on about it a bit as obv otherwise he wouldn't get to feed him). This morning he said he didn't have time but did get up and change his nappy after I fed him earlier on.

I was grumpy about it as I was looking forward to getting that little bit of time in bed and 15 minutes quiet time to myself. As soon as ds gets up that's me "on". I'm not a morning person and probably find this time the hardest part of the day.

But, I think it's completely fair enough for you to share chores & care when you're not at work. SAHM/SAHD shouldn't = work 24/7. So while your dw shouldn't nip (but we're all human) I don't think she's particularly lucky that you do all this stuff for your home and kids. We should all be able to expect it.

Definitely worth a chat to see if she needs a break from home/kids and this is why she's taking it out on you. It can all get a bit relentless sometimes and it's difficult to communicate this to someone who's not in the middle of it. Sometimes that tiny bit of time that delays the start of the day feels very, very precious.

But his problem stems from making his wife do a dross unpaid boring job (cleaning up and looking after children). No wonder she's fed up. Thus work for her is the solution. If he wants a parent at home then he knows what to do - resign and become the house husband.