Ungrateful f#cker!

[LostPuppy]

Am I being unreasonable?

Ok here's how it works.

I get up around 6.40 every morning and have a bath, shave and get dressed. Then around 7 I get the boys up, make their breakfast, make my own breakfast, empty the dishwasher, make my lunch, then get the 2 year old dressed, change his nappy and clean his and his elder brother's teeth and wash their faces. Whilst this goes on DW has a bath and makes the bed.

This morning I got delayed (putting the bins out) so didn't have time to change and dress DS2. When I said I wouldn't be able to do it, I thought I'd be helpful and put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, a 30 second job unlike changing and dressing that takes 5 minutes or more.

Rather than be grateful for this, DW sarcastically remarked "oh you've got time for that but not to get him dressed have you"!

Well frankly f#ck you was what I thought. I was running late and was trying to be kind, but all I get is abuse. I couldn't be much more helpful in the mornings. I am tempted to work to rule and just get myself ready for work rather that feed and dress the three of us.

Personally I wouldn't dream of criticising in such a manner if the roles were reversed and all I'd done was have a bath and made a bed. It hardly makes the person getting the children ready for school feel appreciated does it.

Another example of what lawyers might call "unreasonable behaviour" is this. Occasionally I'll forget to give DS2 his fish oil, but rather than say to him, "did dad give your IQ" and just give him a sachet if the answer is no, she'll be like "how many more times has this happened" and start a row in front of the boys.

I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't good enough. If DS1 has had porridge and made a bit of a mess she'll criticise me for not completely clearing up. If that was me I'd have thanked her in my head for feeding him and simply got out the kitchen roll or a sponge and in 10 seconds the mess is gone, but she'll seemingly seethe about this and give me a hard time for it

Am I being unreasonable not to expect abuse? Sounds to me like I'm being taken for granted.

This isnt to say that DW doesn't work bloody hard by the way! She cooks, cleans and generally parents whilst I am out at work. But the point is I often thank her for this and never criticise. Its a job I dont think I'd have the patience for. But if I think something isn't right I'll say something when the boys are in bed, not start a row in front of them!

Frankly I'm just whipped aren't I!

I object to the she should be thankful or she's lucky comments. Personally, I chose the kind of husband I could rely upon for support in all areas of life, be my best friend, closest confidante and above all be willing to adapt and change as our life circumstances changed and I would also bring all these things as a wife. There was no luck involved and I wouldn't put up with the kind of husband that my own dad was to my mum.

And while I treat him with respect and thank him for things I don't go out of my way to be so thankful or grateful or think myself lucky just because other men are not the same.

But this thread has brought up something I think is often an issue in relationships. That the partner, usually the wife, expects the husband to have the same "standards" as she does and the same priorities. My DH will often need reminding of things, that's who he is, so I remind him, I don't get bitter or pissy because he doesn't remember. I also know his idea of cleaning and my idea of cleaning are different, he just doesn't see some things or think of them as important. So I am happy that he does what he does and will ignore the other bits or do them myself. A job mostly done takes less time to finish than it would take to do it all myself. And so he has a life without constant nagging and I have a life where things get mostly done and I don't get all bitter inside about it.

Xenia - do you cut and paste the same speech into every thread regardless of the topic?

Not sure that I've seen you say anything different.

My first post did say this was about treating people with respect and not being rude to each other which is really what it comes down to.

There is however the important political issue - that the person working and earning often does feel the other is a lucky so and so to sit arounda t home. Another issue is the extent of the housewife job - you;'ll see on this thread - some think it's to do everything whilst he does all the work. Other housewives are as lazy as anything and the man gets home and does his own second shift with teh hoover. The inherent inequality in the one person earns and the other serves model is the flaw.

Xenia - Do you think the pressures of having five children and you not wanting to be a SAHM were contributory factors in the demise of your marriage?

In an ideal world both partners take an equal share of the chores before work (whether thats work at home or at work away from home), after work and at weekends. That sounds like your approach too lostpuppy? The issue seems to be your DW l;ack of fliexibility (we're all late sometimes and need to be cut a bit of slack, aren't we?) and perhaps also an issue of you not doing things the way she wants them done.

However in my world there is no DP to share chores so, as I said, open door here for you LP...

but Xenia - if his DW's issue is that she doesn't really want to be at home then she has to be grown up enough to say so and for them to work something else out. I don't think thats the issue here at all, I think its control.

I think there is somethinmg in Xenia's response.
Parenting is a long grinding gruelling cycle of repetitive jobs with very little 'sense of achievement' that comes with the quick win of celebrating the end of a succesful project, say. Yes, i know, lots of pleasures, milestones. delights, too - but maybe your DW is resenting (even without knowing it) that you are about to depart and leave her with the rest of the day.

I can absolutely see why you are feeling badly treated - you are. And she shouldn't be stirring things up in front of the cjhildren - but that's what makes me feel she might be a bit emotionally in some sort of mini-skid over it rather than meaning to treat you so rudely and critically.

Don't bring it up in the heat of the moment. Can you manage to spoend some couple time together do something nice, and also talk about how the daily grind affects you both, and how you feel about this?

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to feel narked off. Parents do different things, and try to complement one another. If someone doesn't have time to do something, the other person picks it up - it's the way these things work.

You should remind her about all the stories on here of people's DHs who do NOTHING in the house all week while they are at work, and some who then also spend all weekend out at the golf or football, citing the fact that they have been at work all week. And all the women on here who MOAN constantly about this!!

It's not good to get into "competitive housework" - there will always be some things you do and some thigns DW does, and you help each other. DW does all the hoovering and I do all the lawn-mowing, for example; I do 80% of the cooking because I work from home and she works out of home; we split the school-run; etc, etc.

Kewcumber

I am certain my DW does not want to go out to work, she enjoys being a SAHM 90% of the time.

This, for me, is about knowing your husband and understanding that criticising him is not the way to make him want to carry on helping out as much as he does.

I'm not saying I want a medal, I just dont want to be told off like a child for getting a small detail wrong occasionally

Disagree Xenia because you can have both spouses working and one of them may still end up doing the bulk of the domestic chores. I think it is about habits,expectations, attitudes and respect.

I work part-time and my DH works full time. We have divided the domestic chores between ourselves. DH cleans the bathroom and cloakroom every week, empties bins, and does all the DIY work . I do all the clothes washing, ironing and vacuuming. We share the cooking, gardening, general cleaning and dusting and rearing of our DTS. I know what is expected of him and vice versa.

no no no... I've have been dragged in. Will not discuss SAHM vs WOHM...
Will not discuss SAHM vs WOHM...
Will not discuss SAHM vs WOHM...

BUT - Caroline1852 I find that comment offensive (and I'm not even Xenia), which one of those statements (number of children or going out to work) do you feel should be grounds for divorce?

Oh please let's not turn this into another attack Xenia thread! I lurked for long enough before joining and surely everyone must have it out of their system by now!

I think bitching from both sides is awful.
At the School gates some of my friends will snigger and say 'oh look so and so has had a boob job' and it makes me cringe. (I feel that some people know too when theyr'e being taked about and i hate it, i often shh people.)
I have a sister who has always done this to me just picking away. I didn't like the most fashionable clothes or music and i liked poetry. Always little sniggers and comments. I'm getting married soon and i don't want her to halp me get ready as i know there'll be a comment thrown in somewhere.
I really truly beleive life is way too short to be bothered about how other people look.

LostPuppy, leave your DW and come and live with me. You can bring your DSs if you must. I think you sound fab, and I will lavish praise and appreciation on you when you do all of that for me. My DH gets up, downs the cup of tea I've made him, shaves, whosers and legs it off to work. I, on the other hand, make the breakfast, packed lunches, stack the dishwasher, make sure the DDs have got everything they need, write the necessary cheques/sign forms, take DD2 to school, then go to work - late. I think you're fab!

oops wrong thread!

Xenia,
if you look back you will see that LP has stated that he and his wife both want her to be the one at home with the children rather than leaving them with a string of nannies. This is not the issue. You have an obsession with this don't you?

I do 100% of the housework and the teeth cleaning and the breakfast (etc etc) but I'm happy because I don't criticise myself when I leave it half finished (often) or skip the boring bits (often).

That's my point gamegirly,

Criticising your spouse when they are doing fairly tankless and shitty tasks is likely to make them consider such offers.

Where do you live btw?

Hey I asked first! And I live in lovely leafy Kew...

Lostpuppy no you are not being unreasonable. BUT if she wrote down why she was stressed out and snapped, we would probably all say that she was not being unreasonable either.

Your comment "I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't good enough" is thrown at me all the time by DH (back to the jobs half-done thing) and to be honest it ISN'T good enough from where I stand, but doesn't mean he isn't (and you aren't) doing his best.

Take deep breath, head down to Waterstones and pick up "How to babyproof your marriage" Might not get you the answers but think you should have a read. I did, and felt much better for seeing both sides of the arguments (and very funny book as well)

Sadly, LostPuppy, my DH may be a hopeless, selfish git, but I know he loves me to bits, as I do him, and I think it would be a little crowded if you came along too! Seriously, though - I think that if at all possible you need to try to have some time alone with your DW away from home and chat through these issues. My DH also says that it's pointless him doing anything to help because he can never live up to my high standards so he always gets yelled at, and he does have a point. I'm a stroppy mare (so you don't really want to live with me!)

Gamegirly,

you need to update your profile )

lost puppy....
dh is like you..helps out big time in mornign (and evenings and weekends)..works full time and i am sahm..i dont do jobs the way he does and vice versa and its important to realise this..
..criticising/arguments in morning ..there is just no time / no need for this..crap way to start day too..

as F&Z said..does she have some 'me' time? now and again?
and definately a meal out to discuss things including manner in which issues are addressed ie not shouting arguing infront of kids..and any other stuff including, of course her gripes...

book meal it now! do it today!

Was not meaning to be offensive to Xenia at all. As soon as a SAHM is mentioned she immediately assumes that there is some deep rooted dissatisfaction on the part of the woman (or at least should be). Am therefore wondering whether she has been sensitised by her own experiences.
And back to the OP. Why should she thank him for dressing his child before he goes off to work? Having children requires you to be on the same team, working for a common good. It is not necessary to go round thanking each other for changing that smelly nappy or encouraging child B to brush his teeth. To do so sort of acknowledges that one of the partnership is doing the chores of the other which is surely not the case since children are a shared responsiblity.

Caroline,

I am not asking for thanks, I just dont want to be criticised, especially in front of the kids.